Uncanny.

Heya!!!! It's FREEDUMB!!!! I have survived the Duel to the Death! But honestly, I think I barely survived it and I'm bruised and have got battle scars all over now. It was tough. Not in the sense that I studied so hard and I'm exhausted and the questions were tricky etc. More like, tough because.. I don't know. I was battling with myself? My past boring posts have been about me trying to get over myself, get back to who I was and what I was capable of accomplishing. And I hit rock bottom on Wednesday, the day I put up the motivational video. Haha, it was actually so bad that I youtubed motivation. Whatta joke!!!!! But yea. My written exam on Monday was absolutely horrible. Every time I think about it, my heart skips a beat, my palms get a little sweaty, and I'm sooooo scared of failing. The shock my parents will get if I tell them I failed will be unbearable. They'll kinda be mad, but they'll be pitying me because I'll definitely be so upset, but then they might feel guilty too? Because I've always been a high achiever and now BAM. Resit a paper. And not to mention the embarrassment as well, especially when people ask about me and they have to . :(((((((( I'm always kind of an embarrassment to them lo to be honest. The only thing I've made them proud of is my Leaving Cert results and me getting into a uni in Ireland. :/ The rest of my life has just been blunder after blunder, and poor decision after poor decision. 

But anywho. My written was crap. Then. I didn't really study because I'm just a lazy ass. Then on Wednesday, I had a biochem lab at 9am. It was a four hour lab and we only had 4 of those. It was the last one and they were all compulsory and carried like 2.5% of your end-of-the-year marks. And I overslept. -.- I must've turned off my alarm instead of snoozing it and I woke up at 12pm, when the lab was over. How bad was that?!?! And we were supposed to work in pairs so I ditched my partner and made her work on her own, and also, I had already done all the pre-lab questions and preparations. I was so horrified that I missed the lab. Not to mention frustrated, disappointed and angry at myself. Then slowly, I just felt so hopeless. I felt like I was a complete screw up. Like what the characters in Away We Go felt like. I felt like a mess, with no control over my life, just blunder after blunder. I felt really bad. Then it made me wonder why I was so unmotivated. Was it because I had no purpose over here? Was it because I didn't feel any passion for what I was studying? It made me so scared because at that time, I honestly 100% felt like I could quit now and never look back. I was without a purpose. Basically, I really felt like giving up. 

On that day, I felt like I was on the brink of tears the whole day. So after an afternoon Biochem lecture, I kinda stayed behind and then I talked to Mohammad, the guy I mentioned before, as well as Pouya. They made me laugh and we just talked about preparing for the oral exam. Then I got up the courage and asked him to let me know if there was any group study session thing so that I could come along. We exchanged numbers and stuff and I left feeling a bit better. Mohammad was kind, he reassured me that I wasn't going to fail, though I'm not sure I believed him 100%, but it did help a little. Then I went to return a book to the library, talked to them more because they hadn't left the building. Then I went to take a walk to, I don't know, clear my head? I went the far way to post a bday card to Kev. And I just walked and walked and breathed and hoped. And after I posted the card and I was on the way home, I got a whatsapp message from Aunty Ping. It was one of those "send to 10 people and a good thing will happen to you in the next 10 minutes" messages. It was weird because Aunty Ping never sent me those before. The message said, "I'll start with you :)... Dear God, the sweet lady reading this, is kind and I'm proud of her. Pls help her live life to the fullest and bless her in her chosen field!" and the rest was the ridiculous "share with 9 ladies you love" stuff. 

Honestly, I think I stopped right there. There were tears in my eyes and I knewwww God was with me. He always is. Just sometimes you get so caught up in life you forget to look. I'm proud of her... In her chosen field. Wow. I know it might just be some silly coincidence to some of you, but to me, it was a sign from God, and He was just letting me know that He hadn't given up on me. So I shouldn't give up on myself. It kinda let me feel a bit more at peace with myself. 

Sooooooooooooooo yeap. In the end, I'm here, it's Sunday, I made it through my oral exam on Friday. It wasn't perfect, but I was really happy with it. I was really lucky. I got really easy questions compared to Yong who got the same examiners as I did, but got really hard questions. Some were saying that, if you did well in your written exam, you'll get harder questions in the oral as they would try to push you to get a first class honours. But then, some just said that the questions get harder as the day goes by because the people who have their oral later are at more of an advantage because they can get the details from the ones who went before them. I don't know. That freaked me out completely, because if the former is true, then I did horribly bad in my written because the difference in difficulty between me and Yong's questions is hugeeeee. But it's over now, there's nothing I can do about it. But God is good la seriously. If I had gotten any of the hard questions Yong got, I wouldn't have known how to answer them AT ALL. I didn't even know DMFT existed!!!!!!!!!!  And Yong got a bunch of questions regarding that DMFT index. 

Now, I feel fine. Feel a bit stronger. As if I constructed this bubble around myself that holds me up and keeps me standing, making me feel stronger. And I don't know if this will last. But I honestly just hope to be better than I was. Because being lost is scary. Very very scary. Cuz you don't know if you'll be able to find yourself again. Was whatsapping my mum and she said to focus on my needs. I asked her what my needs are and she said "your needs- your space- time to do things for yourself- time to study- time to eat". Honestly, I don't really fully get it. But thanks anyway. I kinda told her that I did really bad and I was worried that I might have to resit. She just said "can't be emo. Get down to serious business". Haha easier said than done. But thanks. :)

Happy St Paddy's Day guys! Went to church today after missing it for two weeks. All is well. :)

Sun 17/3/13 17:33

Life is tough for every one in different ways.