Honestly. Me being stuck in my room trying trying trying, just trying to study but not actually getting much done, it's really. It's just not going well with me at all. Staring at my laptop screen or phone screen, playing stupid games that I never even normally play, having a ridiculously long Youtube session where one video leads to three more, staring at the words on the papers piled high on my table surface, taking an hour to read a page. I haven't hung out in the living room for weeks now. I'm getting fat, haven't gone to the gym in weeks. Not even to volleyball. I can feel my underwear not being able to cover my butt properly now. (hahaha. Don't know if that's actually true). I have this perpetual neck pain after noon, and headaches in the afternoon. But the point is. I feel soooooo. Empty. Lost. Kinda the same I guess. How I can't focus on studying. How I am procrastinating so much even I can't stand myself. I feel so much stress for the upcoming Physiology test and the DS (dental science) EXAM. Really. Just so. UGH. I honestly can't wait to go home. I don't know what's wrong with me. How I feel so far from... myself and God. Hahaha. I don't know what the point of this post is.
Celebrated Sam's bday just now. It was a surprise and it was successful. :) But then, I don't feel awfully awfully close to her. We get along, we care about each other (enough to celebrate each other's bday and make it special anyway), but I don't know. Is it silly to say that I feel kinda... off because she's so much closer to other girls than I am to anyone else at all? Oh well. I'm glad her bday was a success. But miss the crazy surprise bdays we used to have back home. Hahaha.
Steph told me to pray more to God in the letter she sent me for my bday. I know, kinda ironic that I'm posting such a down post when the last one was so high. But anyway. She asked me to pray before studying and stuff like that. :) I really should try harder.
I reread the Penny post from The Frenemy. It's still really powerful.
I don’t know where you get those “more things.” I think, though, that you get those things with battle scars and with your bare hands and your fight. Be ugly about it. Life is kind of ugly, sometimes, before the promise of something else.... there is beauty in the things you work for. And work for this, Penny: work to feel full.
Feel full? I think that if I worked steadily with my academic stuff and studied hard and did well, I would feel full in that satisfaction. Part of me says it's too late to start now for these upcoming tests. But the other part says it's still possible, just have to make full use of the time I have. If I prayed more, skyped more, wrote more, I would feel full. I just have to. Take control of my life, which was funnily my new year's resolution. And it's so true too, life is kind of ugly before the promise of something else. Because, promises come along, promises of being loved and wanted, and then life turns ugly again. Just like how huge news will eventually fade and become old news even if it "shocked the nation" or whatever. It turns ugly again, back to normal after the hype descends.
Anyway. After Sam's bday, walked home, dropped my phone, bag got stuck on the door knob, the heaps of clothes on the back of my chair fell off. So I took a shower. Skyped my mum. And now I'm typing this. No studying tonight because I. I dunno. Trying to find the restart button I guess. I should sleep. I'll try take control tmr. :) It's all in me. Willpower. Where there's a will, there's a way. It's all my choice, my decisions, my fuggle bubble actions!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those are what will make the change.
Gnite yo! Haha. This was the lamest rant ever. A pep talk for myself. And I
Sometimes life is tough, but someone else's life out there is always way, way more tougher than yours.
Wed 01:29 6/3/13
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