To My Toes.

I cried a bit yesterday night before bed. Don't know why. A few reasons I guess. 

Was thinking about how low I've sunk and I was scared of failing. And I was praying and praying that I would change but I know it's unlikely because it's not the first time I gave myself an ultimatum to change, and maybe I did for a day then I went back to this me that can't do anything. I felt hopeless and frustrated because of that. 

And I thought about how Denise has a new bff (hahaha so dramatic!) and she's moving on with her life and I'll always be the one whom people "look for when they need advice" but never the one they just company from. How people just leave me and I always just wait for them till my heart is so bruised that I'll finally give up and not wait and pack up and leave. But if they come back I'll let them in and forgive them because I'm a pushover. But that's my own choice because life is short so why keep count or hold a grudge or love less than you are capable of. So I just choose to forgive/forget about it and let myself be a pushover, though it hurts my heart while I just sit there and wait.

Also, I watched the movie Daniele asked me to watch while we were walking back from the hospital together. And it's an amazing movie. The screenplay is excellent. I have absolutely no idea why it's so underrated!!! I was just thinking about that scene (SPOILER ALERT) where they were in Montreal, and their guy friend was talking about what you needed to maintain such a great family, a great marriage, and keep it all together. And he said LOVE. Not just a drop of love here and there. But a whole tub of syrup of love on that small area. It's so true you know. There will be things that happen in a marriage that makes you want to get out of it. Maybe your other half won't pay enough attention to you or life just gets to the both of you and you drift apart from each other. So many things could go wrong. You could get seriously sick and the marriage becomes one person just holding up the other, both of you not living. You know? Stuff like that. Like in The Fault In Our Stars, where the guy with eye cancer had to get his eyes out and go blind. And his girlfriend who promised to stay with him forever and always left him. And the main character was saying that what he did to the gf wasn't very nice of him. He said "you think I wanted to go blind?!". "No, it's not your fault. But I'm just saying it wasn't very nice". So true you know. Like how you plan to have children and nurture them as they grow up and set them free into the world, and you get to live life as free parents with older independent children. But what if one of them was seriously sick or handicapped in some way, and you don't get to ever be free because your whole life will be taking care of that child? And alllllll these thoughts made me so sad because life is so unfair. 

Life is so so so unfair. Like when I study about amino acids or enzymes and hormones and stuff. And there are so many million things that could go wrong with us. A change in a single amino acid can cause some horrible disease or condition, and we have so many thousands of amino acids in our bodies. But I'm here and I'm perfect in the sense that I'm healthy. My teeth are fine, my negative feedback system works, I get sick then I get better, my hair is good and so is my skin. I have ten fingers and ten toes, arms and legs for that matter. My bones are creaky but fine. I can eat and drink and it all digests properly. I get mood swings but I'm mentally stable (kinda). And my friend is there, and her cancer is back for the third time. And her remission wasn't even for that long. 

What the buck man seriously. Life is so unfair!!!!! And I'm so scared that she won't make it because cancer is tough and the treatment is even tougher and she's so weak and I'm scared that she's not living while she's alive! 

I really don't know what I was thinking about yesterday. Too many thoughts. But yea. I just felt really low, down down down to my toes. :( 

What am I doing with my life? 

Tue 17:13 12/3/13