Heya! Yes, I've changed my URL again. When this all started back when I was young and had gotten tired of hand-writing my diary cz my entres were so long, I started this blog with the URL geekooutlet. Then after some time, I added a "refined" at the end of it. It marked my decision to grow up slightly and use proper capitalisation and punctuation, instead of just letting everything be small case and using ... to separate sentences. This was inspired by my big sis, Kel, who would always type properly. So I just decided to follow in her footsteps and do the same. :D
Then, I replaced "refined" with "confused". This marked the phase where I was at major crossroads, where I had to make decisions and choose where I wanted to go in life. To study in Melbourne? Followed by what course to study, and where. Honestly, I don't think my decisions have been very wise. I'm sure we can all agree that choosing to leave Melbourne and go back to TTSS, though it was fun and eventful, wasn't the smartest decision. My mum said it was a regression. :/ But anyway. I was so confused for so much of my life. Sighface. Even the me that made the decision of doing Dentistry is still kinda confused. As confused as the me that chose to come to Ireland. Like Kat said, you never know whether the decisions you make are right or wrong, but you just gotta make the most of it, do your best, and not regret!
Finally, we come to the replacement of "confused" with "strive". Honestly, part of me is still unsure about whether where I am in my life now is where I'm supposed to be. But then, I think after all the lying face down on the ground, after all the self-doubt and the low points I've reach, which forced me to drag myself back upwards, I've somewhat come to terms with all of it and can now kinda accept it all. I think I kinda have to thank Denise for this too. I don't think anyone really knows how low I felt a couple of weeks ago. The words I used were "without a purpose" and "hopeless", and I don't know if you know how that really feels. All I can imagine is me standing in this foggy street, where everything I see is blurry and I can't make anything out... directionless. But then Denise gave me a really looong Whatsapp message, telling me off for whinging and feeling sorry for myself and all that. And that message almost broke me, the words really hurt especially since I was already down. But I do see her point, I've said the same things before. Having seen what Melina goes through, (my friend who has cancer in Melbourne), I have said before that we have no right to complain when she, like others out there, can't even sit on the ground without being physically incapable of getting up. Just like what The Frenemy said in Dear Penny, "I have felt so empty in a way that felt selfish for a girl like me, a girl that had hands and feet". Do you get what I'm trying to say?
Anywho. Now I'm fine and back on my feet, thank God, cuz I don't know if I would've had the strength to stay in Ireland if I stayed in the hole any longer. But now, after Denise screamed at me with what seemed like very harsh words at the time, and maybe also because of my birthday presents from my beloved friends (KTPS and Jason), I can see that I am truly blessed. Be grateful, don't complain. :) And also that finally, I can really accept that I have people who have my back, that though we hardly talk, I'm not alone!... I'm not scared of being alone!
All these things, as well as conversations with Jason, made me realise that I really shouldn't complain, I can support my own weight on my two feet!!!! I may stumble and I may trip and I may fall into a deep deep hole and it may hurt so bad and I may feel so lost I want to give up, but... I can do it. And I don't really wanna say this out loud cuz it's kinda.. bleh. Basically, I've stopped Skyping all the time, and it was not by choice. ......... I will slowly get used to it. But I've realised that this has been good for me because I've stopped being so... dependent I guess. I dunno. It feels weird but then I'm not hanging around waiting for the person to come online you know? UGH. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. Also, I've been reading before bed so that's really good too.
I guess what I'm trying to say that, yes, I may still be slightly confused and unsure about whether I'm on the right path. I may not be entirely satisfied that I'm here instead of there. I may struggle being here by myself away from home. But I've come to accept that this is where I am now, that this is what my life looks like now. And so with this acceptance comes with it an acceptance that all I have to do is keep going forward, all I have to do is strive! :)
EXCELSIOR!!!!
Love y'all yo! PEACE OUT.
Thurs 00:35 21/3/13
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