Heya. So very quickly, FIRST YEAR LECTURES ARE DONE! We finished our last test on Wednesday. OMG it was kind of a joke la the test. The lecturer gave us the exact same paper as last year's one. He didn't even bother changing the sequence or whatever. I guess he didn't think we would have last year's paper? I don't know. It was ridiculous though. The amount of time I could've saved NOT studying extra material. UGH. But oh well.
It was fun!!!! Yong and I ordered food from Mania Stream, the Malaysian chef that delivers food to your place if you order, and it's only 3.50euros. That night it was Nasi Dagang with chicken or fish (Mackerel) curry. It was SOOOOO yummy. It was kinda like nasi lemak, it was coconut milk rice (according to the internet anyway) and then it had half a boiled egg, and then the curry was so yummy. OMG. I had no idea why I hadn't ordered her food more often. Oh and we fried an egg too!! Then we watched Tangled!!! HAHA BEST MOVIE! Sam joined us a bit later. We watched the movie together then at the end when the credits rolled right, they played a really happy song, and you can just imagine the actors and actresses dancing in a silly way in front of the camera like they do in some of the typical movies. So I dunno why, Sam and I naturally started becoming spastic or like Yong said, as if we had seizures. It was so fun oh.. just dancing like that on the bed while sitting down hahaha. Then Sam left after we had a chat, and Yong stayed till 3.45am!!! We just watched a couple of episodes of HIMYM, watched Youtube videos. It was kinda nice, but I kinda wondered why it had to wait till we're at the end of first year to actually hang out you know?
High on life!!
Then on Thursday, went for lunch in the city with Sam, Yong and Andrea. Ate in the Natural Bakery or something like that, the orange shop. Had smoked turkey sandwiches with BRIE in them, SO YUMMY. Had dessert after that with Yong, I had an apple crumble I think which was 2.60euro (30 cents for cream!!!), and I have to pay Yong for that because I didn't have cash then!!!! (I haven't paid her, gotta remember to do so!). Then bought some groceries stuff in the English Market. I actually bought ONE chilli padi and one tomato for an Asian spaghetti meal I was gonna have with pan fried cod! And the scale couldn't detect the negligible weight of that one chilli padi, so the asian lady at the till just charged me 15cent for that. T.T I FELT SO CHEATED!!!!!!!! But oh well my meal was yummerz! I gotta learn how to pan fry fish properly!!! Yong came over after dinner to print her tickets, and stayed after that to hang out till about 1am. :D
Today (technically ystd) was Good Friday. Didn't go to church tho because it wasn't in the Honan. And I didn't wanna go to some boring church where I can hardly understand the priest. Feel kinda guilty :( But I spent some time with my flatmates in the living room. They had a party last night at our place. Oh gosh. Someone set off the fire alarm, they hit the button that you're supposed to hit when they're actually a fire. -.- Don't know if we're gonna get fined for that. :/ Then, some half naked guys no one knew broke the window in the stairwell outside our apartment by kicking it. Sigh. -.- and our toilet's blocked too. THANK GOODNESS I'm leaving tmr, hope it gets fixed by the time I get home. :D Then I ironed my clothes at Yong's place. Then dinner at hers too. Pan fried cod, garlic chilli broccoli carrots tomato spaghetti, and boiled potatoes cuz I love eating butter with boiled potatoes. Hahaha. Had strawberries with dodgy Tesco chocolate mousse and a great chat with Yong!!! We talked about boys and funny stories etc. It was so nice to be talking on topics which you talk about in high school you know? It was great. :D Packed and I skyped my mum!!!!! It was so funnyyyyyy. She was at the Sutera gym (weird cuz she doesn't go there often) and she was lying on the floor, she said she was doing stretches. OMG. So there she was, lying on the floor IN A PUBLIC PLACE and SKYPING her daughter. HAHA she always does all these embarrassing stuff UGH. Love her for it though. So funny.
So yea. I'm gonna open a Savings Account in AIB cuz they have the best interest. :D Oh, I'm going to London btw to visit Ray. I'm leaving tmr!!!!! And I'll be able to see Aunty Doris and Emer too cuz they'll only be leaving on the 1st! I'm SO EXCITED OHHHHH, cuz I'll be seeing someone from HOME. :') Can't wait!! Spending a week there, then I'll come back and hardcore study cuz I'm so ashamed of my DS exam that I don't ever wanna repeat it. Remember! Pack your toiletries and chargers tmr!!!!
The reason I asked my mum to skype was because I had a stress episode. About how life is short and all that. It was brought on by seeing Yee Kee post on facebook about the anniversary of her dad's passing. :( It's so sad. And I'm always just absolutely terrified that that will happen to me. It's so scary. And I don't skype with my parents often at all. The last time I skyped my dad was the 20th of Feb. That's more than a month ago!!!! We just don't have the habit I guess to skype regularly. :( This needs to change!!!! So yea. I had a good chat with my mum tho. It was nice.
Appreciate ok! Don't wait until misfortune hits for you to learn how to appreciate stuff. :)
Nights people!!! I've been sleeping so late these past few days. -.-
Sat 30/3/13 04:04
I LOVE THESE BISCUITS SO MUCHHHH I DON'T CARE THAT THEY EACH CONTAIN 85 CALORIES AND 35.1% FAT. And yes, I just googled these figures because... well, I won't know them off the top of my head. I DON'T COUNT CALORIES!!!!! (Haha, remember when we were in Raleigh during Project Phase, we were all under the tarp for lunch or something and they were talking about how many calories our high-calory lunch contained etc, and Alice kept saying exasperatedly that IT'S STUPID TO COUNT CALORIES. Hahaha well maybe she didn't say it like that, but yea. GOOD TIMES). JAMMIE DODGERS NOM NOM.
Oh, I watched Easy A just now though I'm supposed to be studying. It's a greaaaaat movie. I think Emma Stone is absolutely beautiful. The colour of her eyes are so wow! Totes LOLed at David Letterman complimenting her when she was on his show.
Oh, cooked ASIAN SPAGHETTI last night for dinner. It wasn't really asian. But it just doesn't really have a sauce. I was aiming for the one that mum always cooks at home which I LOVE. She usually puts prawns in it or make it a vegetarian dish. Last night, I just put eggplant, fresh tomatoes, chicken (in case my flatmates don't eat eggplants), garlic and chilli in, with some herbs. I was SO WORRIED the girls wouldn't like it. It was the first time in ages that I cooked something that's NOT stir-fry chicken with rice. It turned out ok, so relieved. It wasn't anything like my mum's dish, but it was yummy and chilli hot so I liked it and apparently so did the girls hehe. 
Then after dinner we sat around the living room and realised that IT WAS JUST US GIRLS. We ALWAYS have guests in the living room. When I say always, I mean always! The lads from Charleville and Grace are usually always around. It was SO NICE to sit in a quiet living room. We just played 4 Pics 1 Word, Laura played with Pou, and we just talked. It was great. Haha. Back to study!
Tues 19:36 26/3/13
So I was bored, I was finding ways to procrastinate. But I didn't wanna go on FB. So what did I do? I went to read my first few posts in this blog!!! Ohmygosh. Life has actually changed so much. It's kinda hard to grasp that idea because we're here NOW and it just seems so natural and maybe we don't properly think back to what the old times were like. Well, maybe you do remember a couple of memories here and there. But you don't remember how life actually was! The mundane day-to-day stuff. Like studying for Sejarah and doing projects. Gosh. It seemed like ages ago. Well, it kinda was, it was 2008... I was 15!!!! haha. And now I'm 20. Woah, time is scary. But yea. I'm so glad I blogged man and talked about amazingly trivial things. I kinda miss life back then. Now I feel like my posts are mostly about... changing and being better and being strong and surviving. :'( I guess when you're out of high school, out of that amazing family of 50 other ppl with whom you spend 6 days a week with, when you're hardly ever alone and can just always fall back to your circle of friends with whatever's on your mind. But now... adulthood without a boyfriend or girlfriend is full of lonely self-searching paths. bla bla bla bla. Whatever it is, I'm grateful for the life I've had so far. :D :D :D Memories are awesomeeeeee.
Mon 21:56 25/3/13
LOVE dipping biscuits in my hot drink, either milo or hot chocolate or just warm milk. :D
Milo in my milo cup that I brought from Malaysia. :D
I love the biscuit when it's become soggy. So NICE. But then it's the WORST first world problem when it breaks off from the rest of the biscuit and you try and retrieve it with your spoon and you scoop and you scoop but just end up breaking it into small small pieces and you end up with tiny specks of biscuit and you do a rage face and flip the table due to anger. :P Study bye!
Mon 01:03 25/3/13
Haha don't judge meee. I'm still here and it's 2am and I've probably read 2 sentences. I suddenly thought about the thoughts I had about my parents' love for each other (hahaha whuuut) and how I wanted to do a post about it. So I wanted to check if I had done that post before because I talk so much that I can't rmbr half the things I say (true story). So then I searched my blog for the word -LOVE- and omg, worst idea ever. Seriously man, I did not know that I LOVED so many things. HAHAHA. There's a LOVE in so many posts it's crazy. And in one post, there could be like 5 Loves. Seriously?!?!?!?!?! So yea I didn't finish going through the search results cuz there were too many. -.-
But in all seriousness, life's too short to not love as much as you're capable of. :D I can't wait to find that someone whom I can pour my abundance of love over. Totes not creepy that I'm talking about someone that's probably non existent haha. Then I think about The Back Up Plan and getting preggers without a partner just because I want to give my love to someone. Or like, getting dogs or cats and becoming an old fashioned spinster. HAHAHA. Ok. I swear I'm normal!!!!
Ok. Seriously. Cranial nerves, lets be friends!
Sun 02:15 24/3/13
Hello!!!! This is gonna be a random post about random things.
1. So. I have a test on Wednesday on Anatomy. And I haven't studied at all. :/ Yesterday I went to town to buy some groceries and bought an iPod-USB cable for 5 euros and thank God it works. And I also got photo frames for the photos I'm gonna give my flatmates. :D Then I did my laundry and cooked and stuff like that and that was my Friday. I cooked er.. noodles that were like kueh tiao but more like the Beaufort Noodle kon lao mian kinda mian, if you get what I mean. And thennn for dinner I pan fried a steak YUM YUM and boiled potatoes and vegies. :D
2. Today I went for volleyball and it wasn't that great. It was ok. I could've spent the time studying but I went to the game which was kind of a bleh because we didn't win, surprise surprise. But at least I got a spin back which means saving 1.80euro on bus fare WHEE. But kinda lame cuz I bought biscuits to break my 20euro note to get change for the bus, so that just means I'm gonna nom nom on the biscuits and get FAT.
3. I finallllyyyyy finished Have A Little Faith by Mitch Albom. Honestly, it's a... powerful book. Well, kinda hesitating on using the verb powerful because it could be nothing to some people. But it was really inspirational to me and thought provoking too. I remember I slept super late (like 4am) one night because I had read a few chapters of the book and was trying to think and apply it to my life but it was hard. Hahaha. But anywho. Now that I've finished it, I want to post about the parts that made me stop to think/go back and reread. There are LOADS of dog-ears in the book marking those parts, and this breaks my rule of loving my books and not bending the pages OR the spine of the book. :0 But there's this one part I would just like to note here which is towards the very end of the book. Erm. Here it is I guess. Oh, the church downtown is a Christian church near the author's house at the time and it's really rundown with a big hole in the roof where the rain can get in. And Henry is the pastor of that church, I Am My Brother's Keeper. And the Reb is the late Rabbi of the author's synagogue.
I thought about his dilapidated church downtown. And I realized that, in someways, we all have a hole in our roof, a gap through which tears fall and bad events blowlike harsh wind. We feel vulnerable; we worry about what storm will strike next.But seeing Henry that day, being cheered by all those new faces, I believe, as theReb once told me, that, with a little faith, people can fix things, and they truly can change,because at that moment, you could not believe otherwise.
And so, although it is cold as I write this, with snow packed atop the blue tarp onthe church roof, when the weather thaws—and it always thaws—we are going to fix thathole. One day, I tell Henry. We will fix that hole. We will shake the generosity tree andraise the funds and replace the roof. We will do it because it needs to be done. We will do itbecause it's the right thing to do.
And we will do it because of a little girl from the congregation who was bornprematurely, weighing only a few pounds—the doctors said she probably wouldn‟t make
it—but her parents prayed and she pulled through and she is now a ball of energy with a
grin that could lure the cookies out of the jar. She is at the church almost every night. She
skips between the tables for the homeless and lets them rub her head playfully. She doesn't
have a lot of toys and she isn't scheduled for countless after-school activities, but she most
certainly has a community, a loving home—and a family.
Her father is a one-legged man named Cass, and her mother is a former addict
named Marlene. They were married in the I Am My Brother's Keeper church; Pastor Henry
Covington did the service.And a year later, along came their precious little girl, who now runs around as if in God's private playground.Her name, fittingly, is “Miracle.”
The human spirit is a thing to behold.
This kinda spoke to me. The part about all of us having holes. It's true lo. Everyone has that thing which brings them down once in a while and makes us cry and hurt. But... the human spirit is a thing to behold. We need to have faith that we can patch this hole up. We don't need to leave it there, an opening for the rain to come in. Haha, I think this really spoke to me because now, for the first time I feel like when I say that I'm standing on my own two feet, in the sense that I can say that it's fine if my close friends back home aren't always there for me because I knowwww that they love me and always have my back, I really do mean it! Before, I was honestly just trying my best and pretending I don't care. But now, I just KNOW that I can run to them when I'm broken. So, I have faith. I'm not scared. :)
4. Can't wait to start a new book!!!! :D
5. Just found out that My Chemical Romance has split up. O. M. GOSSSSHHH. And I just recently started to listen to their music again, the amazing Black Parade is Dead concert in Mexico!!!! SO SAD. They released a new album then POOF. The type of vanishing act that leaves everyone shocked and astounded. I would've loved to see them in concert. Haha btu I'm not worried. Cuz I'm really sure some time down the line, they'll have a reunion concert. (PLEASE DO!)
6. Oh. I don't know if I talked about this, but I was kinda emo when I was about to turn 20. OMG. I'm 20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SO OLDDDD. :'( Hahaha. Not really emo, more like, bogged down. Because I didn't know how I was supposed to act. I felt like I had to change something as I shed my teen self you know? I felt like I had to grow up a little and be less childish. Especially when I'm having a conversation with Andrea who's 22, and I would suddenly say something really silly that I think is really funny then I do that stupid high pitched giggle where, in my mind, I'm high-fiving myself.. then I'll be so stressed because that's not how a 20-year-old is supposed to act. I was talking to Jason about this today. But I think I kinda decided that I can't really change who I am. I'm probably always gonna like stupid jokes on 9gag and applaud dry humour like Sara Bareilles' Sweet As Whole song which actually made me laugh out loud, I'm probably always gonna like watching stuff like Okiku Furikabutte and cheer on Jeremy Lin, saying it's Asian Pride though I don't even watch NBA. I can suppress it and hide it, pretend to be mature. But then hey, life's too short to try and be someone you're not. So this is me, the one who likes weird clothes and bright colours and actually, LITERALLY laugh then clap clap clap my hands when there's a funny joke on New Girl (yes.. -.- I actually do that), and who thinks photos of people who are genuinely smiling with laughter in their eyes are always beautifullllll so I hardly take photos seriously, and who's always soooo cheeky/annoying and screenshots ridiculous photos of people I love when I'm skyping with them. I am this person and I probably always will be. HAHA NEXT!
7. WHEEEE. Got my class hoodies on Thursdayyyyy. :D :D I was SO EXCITED to get them. This is for our class, Dentistry 2017 cuz that's when we graduate (if all goes well). And our slogan at the back says Oral Specialist. HAHA. Due to the fact that it's a pretty heavy sexual innuendo, some chose not to get the slogan on the back. I almost didn't get it as well because I'm such a nice and innocent girl and I don't wanna walk around promoting er.. stuff like that. But then I'm such kid so I was like YOLO and I just got it. So yea, we had class photos as well on that day, but they're gonna have one after the test on Wed cuz some ppl would have been absent on Thursday. It was so fun taking photos oh. Felt like TTSS times when you just walk around with a camera and take photos. -Wistful face--- Those were great fun times. So yea. 'Twas fun!!! Oh and the First Year Pharmacy's hoodie's slogan is "kiss my aspirin" which I thought was pretty funny. hahaha.
So yeaaapppp. Here's the first photo I'm putting on this blog that is NOT from the internet.
Yes. The one with the awkward face and the awkward skirt is me. BAM. Does my face suit my blabbering thoughts? :P
Cheers peepz! It's time to study! I've procrastinated enough on this blog. Seriously man. I've spent hours here and NOW IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT AND I HAVEN'T STUDIED AAAAHHHH!!!!!
Okie bye.
Sun 00:19 24/3/13
Heya! Yes, I've changed my URL again. When this all started back when I was young and had gotten tired of hand-writing my diary cz my entres were so long, I started this blog with the URL geekooutlet. Then after some time, I added a "refined" at the end of it. It marked my decision to grow up slightly and use proper capitalisation and punctuation, instead of just letting everything be small case and using ... to separate sentences. This was inspired by my big sis, Kel, who would always type properly. So I just decided to follow in her footsteps and do the same. :D
Then, I replaced "refined" with "confused". This marked the phase where I was at major crossroads, where I had to make decisions and choose where I wanted to go in life. To study in Melbourne? Followed by what course to study, and where. Honestly, I don't think my decisions have been very wise. I'm sure we can all agree that choosing to leave Melbourne and go back to TTSS, though it was fun and eventful, wasn't the smartest decision. My mum said it was a regression. :/ But anyway. I was so confused for so much of my life. Sighface. Even the me that made the decision of doing Dentistry is still kinda confused. As confused as the me that chose to come to Ireland. Like Kat said, you never know whether the decisions you make are right or wrong, but you just gotta make the most of it, do your best, and not regret!
Finally, we come to the replacement of "confused" with "strive". Honestly, part of me is still unsure about whether where I am in my life now is where I'm supposed to be. But then, I think after all the lying face down on the ground, after all the self-doubt and the low points I've reach, which forced me to drag myself back upwards, I've somewhat come to terms with all of it and can now kinda accept it all. I think I kinda have to thank Denise for this too. I don't think anyone really knows how low I felt a couple of weeks ago. The words I used were "without a purpose" and "hopeless", and I don't know if you know how that really feels. All I can imagine is me standing in this foggy street, where everything I see is blurry and I can't make anything out... directionless. But then Denise gave me a really looong Whatsapp message, telling me off for whinging and feeling sorry for myself and all that. And that message almost broke me, the words really hurt especially since I was already down. But I do see her point, I've said the same things before. Having seen what Melina goes through, (my friend who has cancer in Melbourne), I have said before that we have no right to complain when she, like others out there, can't even sit on the ground without being physically incapable of getting up. Just like what The Frenemy said in Dear Penny, "I have felt so empty in a way that felt selfish for a girl like me, a girl that had hands and feet". Do you get what I'm trying to say?
Anywho. Now I'm fine and back on my feet, thank God, cuz I don't know if I would've had the strength to stay in Ireland if I stayed in the hole any longer. But now, after Denise screamed at me with what seemed like very harsh words at the time, and maybe also because of my birthday presents from my beloved friends (KTPS and Jason), I can see that I am truly blessed. Be grateful, don't complain. :) And also that finally, I can really accept that I have people who have my back, that though we hardly talk, I'm not alone!... I'm not scared of being alone!
All these things, as well as conversations with Jason, made me realise that I really shouldn't complain, I can support my own weight on my two feet!!!! I may stumble and I may trip and I may fall into a deep deep hole and it may hurt so bad and I may feel so lost I want to give up, but... I can do it. And I don't really wanna say this out loud cuz it's kinda.. bleh. Basically, I've stopped Skyping all the time, and it was not by choice. ......... I will slowly get used to it. But I've realised that this has been good for me because I've stopped being so... dependent I guess. I dunno. It feels weird but then I'm not hanging around waiting for the person to come online you know? UGH. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. Also, I've been reading before bed so that's really good too.
I guess what I'm trying to say that, yes, I may still be slightly confused and unsure about whether I'm on the right path. I may not be entirely satisfied that I'm here instead of there. I may struggle being here by myself away from home. But I've come to accept that this is where I am now, that this is what my life looks like now. And so with this acceptance comes with it an acceptance that all I have to do is keep going forward, all I have to do is strive! :)
EXCELSIOR!!!!
Love y'all yo! PEACE OUT.
Thurs 00:35 21/3/13
Heya!!!! Brace yourselves! Changes are coming!! I'm excited! :D Actually. I think that slowly, I'm gonna make this blog even more personal than it already is. I'm gonna make it not anonymous anymore cuz I kinda wanna put up pictures and stuff like that. :D It's gonna be a slow change-over. But yes, excited! Hope I won't get tired of this font. Verdana, you have served me well, I really like you, but tbh, my handwriting isn't that neat at all. Haha. So yes, I want this font to reflect my messy handwriting. But even this font is so much nicer than my handwriting -.- Whatever. STUDY!
(Hahaha. The only thing is, this font is way bigger than my last one. Which meanssss... one post is gonna look way longer than it already is!)
16:44 Wed 20/3/13
Heya!!!! It's FREEDUMB!!!! I have survived the Duel to the Death! But honestly, I think I barely survived it and I'm bruised and have got battle scars all over now. It was tough. Not in the sense that I studied so hard and I'm exhausted and the questions were tricky etc. More like, tough because.. I don't know. I was battling with myself? My past boring posts have been about me trying to get over myself, get back to who I was and what I was capable of accomplishing. And I hit rock bottom on Wednesday, the day I put up the motivational video. Haha, it was actually so bad that I youtubed motivation. Whatta joke!!!!! But yea. My written exam on Monday was absolutely horrible. Every time I think about it, my heart skips a beat, my palms get a little sweaty, and I'm sooooo scared of failing. The shock my parents will get if I tell them I failed will be unbearable. They'll kinda be mad, but they'll be pitying me because I'll definitely be so upset, but then they might feel guilty too? Because I've always been a high achiever and now BAM. Resit a paper. And not to mention the embarrassment as well, especially when people ask about me and they have to . :(((((((( I'm always kind of an embarrassment to them lo to be honest. The only thing I've made them proud of is my Leaving Cert results and me getting into a uni in Ireland. :/ The rest of my life has just been blunder after blunder, and poor decision after poor decision.
But anywho. My written was crap. Then. I didn't really study because I'm just a lazy ass. Then on Wednesday, I had a biochem lab at 9am. It was a four hour lab and we only had 4 of those. It was the last one and they were all compulsory and carried like 2.5% of your end-of-the-year marks. And I overslept. -.- I must've turned off my alarm instead of snoozing it and I woke up at 12pm, when the lab was over. How bad was that?!?! And we were supposed to work in pairs so I ditched my partner and made her work on her own, and also, I had already done all the pre-lab questions and preparations. I was so horrified that I missed the lab. Not to mention frustrated, disappointed and angry at myself. Then slowly, I just felt so hopeless. I felt like I was a complete screw up. Like what the characters in Away We Go felt like. I felt like a mess, with no control over my life, just blunder after blunder. I felt really bad. Then it made me wonder why I was so unmotivated. Was it because I had no purpose over here? Was it because I didn't feel any passion for what I was studying? It made me so scared because at that time, I honestly 100% felt like I could quit now and never look back. I was without a purpose. Basically, I really felt like giving up.
On that day, I felt like I was on the brink of tears the whole day. So after an afternoon Biochem lecture, I kinda stayed behind and then I talked to Mohammad, the guy I mentioned before, as well as Pouya. They made me laugh and we just talked about preparing for the oral exam. Then I got up the courage and asked him to let me know if there was any group study session thing so that I could come along. We exchanged numbers and stuff and I left feeling a bit better. Mohammad was kind, he reassured me that I wasn't going to fail, though I'm not sure I believed him 100%, but it did help a little. Then I went to return a book to the library, talked to them more because they hadn't left the building. Then I went to take a walk to, I don't know, clear my head? I went the far way to post a bday card to Kev. And I just walked and walked and breathed and hoped. And after I posted the card and I was on the way home, I got a whatsapp message from Aunty Ping. It was one of those "send to 10 people and a good thing will happen to you in the next 10 minutes" messages. It was weird because Aunty Ping never sent me those before. The message said, "I'll start with you :)... Dear God, the sweet lady reading this, is kind and I'm proud of her. Pls help her live life to the fullest and bless her in her chosen field!" and the rest was the ridiculous "share with 9 ladies you love" stuff.
Honestly, I think I stopped right there. There were tears in my eyes and I knewwww God was with me. He always is. Just sometimes you get so caught up in life you forget to look. I'm proud of her... In her chosen field. Wow. I know it might just be some silly coincidence to some of you, but to me, it was a sign from God, and He was just letting me know that He hadn't given up on me. So I shouldn't give up on myself. It kinda let me feel a bit more at peace with myself.
Sooooooooooooooo yeap. In the end, I'm here, it's Sunday, I made it through my oral exam on Friday. It wasn't perfect, but I was really happy with it. I was really lucky. I got really easy questions compared to Yong who got the same examiners as I did, but got really hard questions. Some were saying that, if you did well in your written exam, you'll get harder questions in the oral as they would try to push you to get a first class honours. But then, some just said that the questions get harder as the day goes by because the people who have their oral later are at more of an advantage because they can get the details from the ones who went before them. I don't know. That freaked me out completely, because if the former is true, then I did horribly bad in my written because the difference in difficulty between me and Yong's questions is hugeeeee. But it's over now, there's nothing I can do about it. But God is good la seriously. If I had gotten any of the hard questions Yong got, I wouldn't have known how to answer them AT ALL. I didn't even know DMFT existed!!!!!!!!!! And Yong got a bunch of questions regarding that DMFT index.
Now, I feel fine. Feel a bit stronger. As if I constructed this bubble around myself that holds me up and keeps me standing, making me feel stronger. And I don't know if this will last. But I honestly just hope to be better than I was. Because being lost is scary. Very very scary. Cuz you don't know if you'll be able to find yourself again. Was whatsapping my mum and she said to focus on my needs. I asked her what my needs are and she said "your needs- your space- time to do things for yourself- time to study- time to eat". Honestly, I don't really fully get it. But thanks anyway. I kinda told her that I did really bad and I was worried that I might have to resit. She just said "can't be emo. Get down to serious business". Haha easier said than done. But thanks. :)
Happy St Paddy's Day guys! Went to church today after missing it for two weeks. All is well. :)
Sun 17/3/13 17:33
Life is tough for every one in different ways.
I cried a bit yesterday night before bed. Don't know why. A few reasons I guess.
Was thinking about how low I've sunk and I was scared of failing. And I was praying and praying that I would change but I know it's unlikely because it's not the first time I gave myself an ultimatum to change, and maybe I did for a day then I went back to this me that can't do anything. I felt hopeless and frustrated because of that.
And I thought about how Denise has a new bff (hahaha so dramatic!) and she's moving on with her life and I'll always be the one whom people "look for when they need advice" but never the one they just company from. How people just leave me and I always just wait for them till my heart is so bruised that I'll finally give up and not wait and pack up and leave. But if they come back I'll let them in and forgive them because I'm a pushover. But that's my own choice because life is short so why keep count or hold a grudge or love less than you are capable of. So I just choose to forgive/forget about it and let myself be a pushover, though it hurts my heart while I just sit there and wait.
Also, I watched the movie Daniele asked me to watch while we were walking back from the hospital together. And it's an amazing movie. The screenplay is excellent. I have absolutely no idea why it's so underrated!!! I was just thinking about that scene (SPOILER ALERT) where they were in Montreal, and their guy friend was talking about what you needed to maintain such a great family, a great marriage, and keep it all together. And he said LOVE. Not just a drop of love here and there. But a whole tub of syrup of love on that small area. It's so true you know. There will be things that happen in a marriage that makes you want to get out of it. Maybe your other half won't pay enough attention to you or life just gets to the both of you and you drift apart from each other. So many things could go wrong. You could get seriously sick and the marriage becomes one person just holding up the other, both of you not living. You know? Stuff like that. Like in The Fault In Our Stars, where the guy with eye cancer had to get his eyes out and go blind. And his girlfriend who promised to stay with him forever and always left him. And the main character was saying that what he did to the gf wasn't very nice of him. He said "you think I wanted to go blind?!". "No, it's not your fault. But I'm just saying it wasn't very nice". So true you know. Like how you plan to have children and nurture them as they grow up and set them free into the world, and you get to live life as free parents with older independent children. But what if one of them was seriously sick or handicapped in some way, and you don't get to ever be free because your whole life will be taking care of that child? And alllllll these thoughts made me so sad because life is so unfair.
Life is so so so unfair. Like when I study about amino acids or enzymes and hormones and stuff. And there are so many million things that could go wrong with us. A change in a single amino acid can cause some horrible disease or condition, and we have so many thousands of amino acids in our bodies. But I'm here and I'm perfect in the sense that I'm healthy. My teeth are fine, my negative feedback system works, I get sick then I get better, my hair is good and so is my skin. I have ten fingers and ten toes, arms and legs for that matter. My bones are creaky but fine. I can eat and drink and it all digests properly. I get mood swings but I'm mentally stable (kinda). And my friend is there, and her cancer is back for the third time. And her remission wasn't even for that long.
What the buck man seriously. Life is so unfair!!!!! And I'm so scared that she won't make it because cancer is tough and the treatment is even tougher and she's so weak and I'm scared that she's not living while she's alive!
I really don't know what I was thinking about yesterday. Too many thoughts. But yea. I just felt really low, down down down to my toes. :(
What am I doing with my life?
Tue 17:13 12/3/13
Heya. So my exam was yesterday. And it was bad. It's kinda gotten me to put my head in my hands and think of how bad I've gotten. :/ I don't know if I've said this, but this exam is IMPORTANT. I cannot fail this exam. If I fail it, then I will have to resit the paper in Autumn aka fly back in August and do it. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. It'll be embarrassing, but most of all, it would be so horrible to let it be known to my parents how bad I've become. I was so unprepared for the exam, so I was so nervous. Went up to the hospital at about 1.30pm. Then went to the reading room (the exam was at 2.30pm) and I studied a bit of materials, and then studied behavioural science for the first time. In hindsight, thank GOD I studied that man, seriously, if not I would've failed the paper for sure. Thank God Adib asked me to read a bit on Learning. OMGOSSSSSSSSHHH. I really got so lucky.
There were four sections to the paper: Dental Practice, Dental Materials, Behavioural Science, and Medical Ethics. I spent AGES memorising the essays for Medical Ethics, answered the first one alright, and the second one, BLANK. Hah. So depressing man. I did kinda write everything I could remember, but it was choppy and short and just disappointing because I was hoping to rely on that to get my points up. Then I did Dental Materials, they were ok, but didn't know the answer to 2 questions so I kinda just winged them. Then I finally looked at the first section and it's like. What man. I didn't know the answer to ANY of the questions. I only kinda knew the answer to 2 or 3 questions out of 12. So I just answered those, wrote crap for the rest of the others, and just laughed at how ridiculous ALL my answers were and how NOT FUNNY the situation was, because I while I was writing all that crap, I was just thinking about how I could really fail this exam. Did behavioural and wrote what I knew about classical conditioning. And it was the worst structured essay EVER. It's supposed to be 500-800 words long but I don't think mine reached 500. :/ But I knew I was writing stuff that was accurate, just the details were not very clear, and again about the structure. Zzzzzz. Really, thank goodness I did study that, with my fumbling in Materials and Ethics, the two sections I was counting on to let me pass, if it weren't for Behavioural, I really would've failed because I wasn't prepared at all for Section 1.
Why did I become so bad? I've never been so poorly prepared for an exam, and I can so do better. I know it's myself that's stopping me. And honestly, all the people who are saying "oh I'm sure you won't fail", you can't say that because you don't KNOW HOW IT GOES. I think people think I'm those secret studiers who goes "oh no I'm so unprepared" then they get 90 or something. No. I say it like it is. And I study smart, or well, I probably just get lucky a lot. I like to think that God is on my side, so He lets me get lucky and study the things that I NEED TO right on time. I remember in TTSS when ppl said "good luck" before a test, I would think that, you can't count on luck, luck doesn't help you. It's how hard you've studied for the test and how prepared you are for it. Hah, how things have changed.
So I guess, it's just time to breathe in and breathe out and know that I deserve it if I fail. Really hoping I don't. I think I would manage to scraaaaape a pass. But I'm not sure. I joked yesterday about how our module co-ordinator, who would probably be marking the first section, would just fail me on principal because I didn't know how many teeth there are in primary dentition. But I think I might have guessed right (just googled it haha). But anywho. Can't do anything about it now. This was a lame rant as well. BUT THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS so whatevaaaa. Haha. Sorry.
Tue 16:59 12/3/13
SLEEEEEEEEEPPPPPYYYYYYYYYYY. Can't wait till Monday is oveeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. ~taking a break while waiting for lecture notes to print~
Sun 03:51 10/3/13
I feel bad cuz I got an A for the physiology MCQ, the third test we've had in this season of "THE DUEL TO THE DEATH!". Haha. The "duel to the death" thing, just made it up. But it consists of 3 tests and 1 exam, the exam having a written part and an oral part, all in the space of 3 weeks. The first was Biochem (biomolecules) 15%, Anatomy 15%, then Physiology 25%. The exam is for the Dental Science module, and we don't have a summer exam for it so THIS IS IT. This is THE exam we HAVE to pass.
But anywho. This season is a time of dangerously high levels of stress, bringing along with it crazy sleeping patterns, eating habits, and consequent weight gain, neck pain and headaches. It's really been tough. So far the tests, by the grace of God and also last minute cramming at 4am in the morning, haven't been too bad.
The last physiology test, I didn't finish studying Renal Physiology and didn't finish looking at the MCQ questions, but I just prayed and hoped for the best. Got an A. Granted, an A is 70% and above, so I could've gotten a pretty low A. But I put in 9 Don't Knows. So that's quite good, no? (In the MCQ, you have three choices, True, False or Don't Know. It's +1 for a right answer, -0.5 for an incorrect one, and 0 for a Don't Know). Sam whatsapped me just now and she got a B. I'm quite surprised because she was so focused on Physiology, she started studying for it even before the Biochem test. It's because she got a C for the last MCQ before Christmas, so she wanted to get an A this time. And she said she was depressed because she thinks she might've gotten an A if she hadn't risked a few questions and put Don't Know instead.
Seriously man. This negative marking stuff is a joke. It's like a bubble game show man. As if we don't have enough to worry about. We still have to worry about whether, when you're not sure what the answer is, if you should take the risk or just play it safe. You know?! Try and calculate the odds, bla bla bla. It's really a joke. -.- But. I'm glad though that this is the last stretch of The Duel. Hahahaha. But it's so not over yet. DS is sooooooo hard to study for. I think all of us are struggling cuz there's so much to study but it's all over the place so you don't really know what to study. There are 4 components anyway. One general one, where you answer questions about different fields in dentistry and the different dental diseases blaaaaaaah -.-, then there's behavioural science, the psychology crap I hate, then there's dental materials, then ethics and law. Ethics and law makes me mad cuz, we might get case study questions for the oral and honestly, I chose a science-based degree because my brain is dead and I cannot form opinions and I would just say "aww, kasian la bah this patient", and not some smart "oh that's clinical negligence on the part of the dentist" or whatever. Zzzzzz. But WHO CARES? The uni certainly doesn't care. So yup. Back to the books. Cuz no amount of complaining or blogging will help me in any way. Haha.
This is a nice song. (yes, The Duel also brings along with it the discovery of new songs which is a consequence of procrastination haha). The lyrics are pretty meaningful. She looks kinda scary, but the end of the video is great.
Lost the battle, win the war!
13:52 Sat 9/3/13
Honestly. Me being stuck in my room trying trying trying, just trying to study but not actually getting much done, it's really. It's just not going well with me at all. Staring at my laptop screen or phone screen, playing stupid games that I never even normally play, having a ridiculously long Youtube session where one video leads to three more, staring at the words on the papers piled high on my table surface, taking an hour to read a page. I haven't hung out in the living room for weeks now. I'm getting fat, haven't gone to the gym in weeks. Not even to volleyball. I can feel my underwear not being able to cover my butt properly now. (hahaha. Don't know if that's actually true). I have this perpetual neck pain after noon, and headaches in the afternoon. But the point is. I feel soooooo. Empty. Lost. Kinda the same I guess. How I can't focus on studying. How I am procrastinating so much even I can't stand myself. I feel so much stress for the upcoming Physiology test and the DS (dental science) EXAM. Really. Just so. UGH. I honestly can't wait to go home. I don't know what's wrong with me. How I feel so far from... myself and God. Hahaha. I don't know what the point of this post is.
Celebrated Sam's bday just now. It was a surprise and it was successful. :) But then, I don't feel awfully awfully close to her. We get along, we care about each other (enough to celebrate each other's bday and make it special anyway), but I don't know. Is it silly to say that I feel kinda... off because she's so much closer to other girls than I am to anyone else at all? Oh well. I'm glad her bday was a success. But miss the crazy surprise bdays we used to have back home. Hahaha.
Steph told me to pray more to God in the letter she sent me for my bday. I know, kinda ironic that I'm posting such a down post when the last one was so high. But anyway. She asked me to pray before studying and stuff like that. :) I really should try harder.
I reread the Penny post from The Frenemy. It's still really powerful.
I don’t know where you get those “more things.” I think, though, that you get those things with battle scars and with your bare hands and your fight. Be ugly about it. Life is kind of ugly, sometimes, before the promise of something else.... there is beauty in the things you work for. And work for this, Penny: work to feel full.
Feel full? I think that if I worked steadily with my academic stuff and studied hard and did well, I would feel full in that satisfaction. Part of me says it's too late to start now for these upcoming tests. But the other part says it's still possible, just have to make full use of the time I have. If I prayed more, skyped more, wrote more, I would feel full. I just have to. Take control of my life, which was funnily my new year's resolution. And it's so true too, life is kind of ugly before the promise of something else. Because, promises come along, promises of being loved and wanted, and then life turns ugly again. Just like how huge news will eventually fade and become old news even if it "shocked the nation" or whatever. It turns ugly again, back to normal after the hype descends.
Anyway. After Sam's bday, walked home, dropped my phone, bag got stuck on the door knob, the heaps of clothes on the back of my chair fell off. So I took a shower. Skyped my mum. And now I'm typing this. No studying tonight because I. I dunno. Trying to find the restart button I guess. I should sleep. I'll try take control tmr. :) It's all in me. Willpower. Where there's a will, there's a way. It's all my choice, my decisions, my fuggle bubble actions!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those are what will make the change.
Gnite yo! Haha. This was the lamest rant ever. A pep talk for myself. And I
Sometimes life is tough, but someone else's life out there is always way, way more tougher than yours.
Wed 01:29 6/3/13
Heya!!!! O. M. GOOSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Today, once again I went into reception to check the post, not knowing why I keep doing it when I always come out empty handed. But I did it anyway. Searching through all the parcels on the table, lo and behold. I got POST. WHEEEEEEE. I didn't know who it was from, cuz I only saw that it had my name on it, so I walked out of the reception with this RIDICULOUS smile on my face. I looked down at the postage slip thingy and read that it was from Shelia. Shelia! Tur tur shelia! I actually, literally stopped. in. my. tracks. And I just stared at the parcel with my jaw on the floor. I didn't expect that at all!!!!!!!!!!! She asked for my address like a week before my birthday, but now it's already March, we've had loads of tests and have more coming up. I had completely forgotten about it. I was just. Omgosssh. Absolutely thrilled. The feeling was amazing. Like, close your eyes, feel how blessed you are, send some thanks to God, amazing! hahaha!
So I went back to the apartment, squealing in delight (in my mind anyway) and I went to take a shower. Hahaha. Everything had to be perfect for when I open the post. Just like how I like to take a shower before dinner because dinner is family time then lazy time after that, and it's nice to be clean and relaxed for it all. :D (Denise is right, I'm kinda full of crap) haha. Actually it was just that I couldn't stand my hair cuz it was oily and disgusting. So yea. SAME THING. Then after shower, dry hair, moisturise, drink water, text, I sat down and opened the parcel.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. On the postage slip, it wrote "clothes, book, card". At first, I expected the book to be THE green book, THE KTPS green book between the four of us girls that we write stuff in. But it wasn't. It was a diary. There was a card from Tur, a written letter from Steph, Pei and someone that I totally didn't expect, Jason! hahahaha. Surprise surprise!!! There was this realllllllyyyyy sakai-what-a-typical-guy-gift bookmark from Jason (which I LOVE haha), pajama pants from Tur and Pei, and Steph got me the diary, a postcard from Taiwan, and birthday candles -.--.-.-.-.-.-.- cuz she said that, in case I didn't have any candles to blow out, I could light those and blow them out.... by myself. Hahaha. she's always SO hilarious.
Omygosh. As I went through the letters, one by one, I could feel my aura or my sense of feeling blessed (whuut) or afterglow or euphoria or whatever just grow grow grow growwwww around me till it was impenetrable. I was smiling like an idiot to myself, just thinking wow wow wow wow. I was almosssst brought to tears a couple of times by some of their words. It's just really. Great. You know?? I guess sometimes I forget how amazing our friendship is. (KTPS I mean, not Jason. hahahaha) To be honest, maybe sometimes I take it for granted and forget it, and feel that it... has faded to almost nothing? Because we hardly talk. We had a facebook message thread to keep each other updated but slowly, less stuff got posted. Now we have a whatsapp group, but it's only an occasional "oh is anyone going back to KK for CNY?" "omggggg I'm soo stressed :'(" kinda stuff you know?
But. Gah. It's just. Sad. Cuz we're all grown up, we're all apart (except for Steph and Tur), we all have our own lives (OMG! TUR HAS A BF!!!!!!! And Pei has one too in KL, and they both seem reallllyyyyyy happy). But I guess it's what Pei said in her letter. That our friendship has moved on to the mature stage, where we dont have to text or talk to each other every day, but we know that we still care for each other. :) You know the kind of feeling where you don't really talk to that person anymore, but you miss them and worry about them? I do.
And Steph was sooooo touching in her letter. Hahaha. At first her letter started out with this super tidy handwriting and I felt SO BAD because I honestly could not figure out who it was till I actually read it. Hahaha. She started out normal and crazy and then she became serious. She said that she knows it's tough for me to study so far away from home, and that I will feel lonely and lost and like there's no one to talk to. OMGGGGGG TEARJERKER!!!!!!!!!! And she just asked me to always look to God, cuz He's the only one who will be there whenever I need someone, no matter where I am in the world. I don't know, I think it really touched me because I've never really spoke much to her about how tough I sometimes find it here. Not the course being tough (though it is, but that's manageable (awkward if I fail)), and not the food or laundry or living by myself thing. Just, being so far from home. And she understands. I found myself shouting in my head, YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. IT'S THE EXACT SAME FOR YOU. Probably worse cuz she's so so close with her family. But anyhow. She's really a great friend. AND SHE SAID THAT SHE PROMISES THAT AFTER SHE WORKS AND SAVES MONEY, SHE WILL COME AND VISIT ME HERE!!!!
I don't know. This may sound bad but, I felt blessed all over again to be reminded of how I have these amazing friends. How I kinda forgot about them as close friends for a while. :) And I've tried and failed many times to use a diary/planner. But now that she bought me one I WILL use it. I WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll start from the next academic year. :D (Feel bad cuz Kel bought me an amazingly cute planner but I stopped using it after a while).
Oh. As for Jason. Hahahahhahaha. LOVE THE BOOKMARK cuz it's sooooooooooooo. cute. HAHAHA. It says that Friendship is a special kind of love. AWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Really appreciate that I have such an awesome friend in him. :) Simple and true. ENOUGH SAID.
So yea. I better study. :') :')
Thank you God, for blessing me with these great great gifts. It's more than I am worthy of. Thank you! And let me always remember this amazing feeling of gratitude, of friendship, of LOVE!!!!!!!!! Let me always remember to truly truly appreciate all these people in my life. :)
Tue 01:40 5/3/13
I went to town today and yaaaaaay. Happy with my purchases for Sam. :D It was hard at first cuz I had NO CLUE what to get her. Cuz she's the type that buys what she wants/needs when she sees it. Not frugal like me, who says "aiyaaa save money laaa". I bought a top that I think will be nice and a back pack too because the one she uses for uni is a black adidas one. :D Happy! It came to about €90 and it's gonna be split between 9 of us I think. I really wonder how much they each paid for my guitar, oats if it was cheaper than this. :/ hahaha. OMGGGG. But anywho. I bought Ben & Jerry's ice cream, €6.95 I think. SO EXPENSIVE. On her actual bday on Tues night, I'm gonna surprise her with that as her cake. :D so yeap. Hope all goes well! I'm so sleepy now! Missed church today :( :( :( but I can only blame myself cuz I slept at 5am the night before but hey, I finished my lab reports. But hey, I could've done so much more but I'm such a procrastinator it's sickening.
Do you know what else is sickening? The government. The government back home, specifically. This Sulu army thing is ridiculous. What crap is this. The way they are handling this is just. Wow. So embarrassing. Why are there so many things that the authorities do that are just so shameful? The LGBT list, the listen listen listen thing that made me wanna strangle myself, and now this. "Peaceful negotiation"? Hah, did a great job there didn't you? I think what really gets me mad is the fact that I'm here, and I have no idea what the situation is like back home in Sabah. I go on facebook today and see so many statuses about the "war" or whatever. War is a strong word. I'm mad cuz of the bullcrap thing about the police force being sent instead of the soldiers? I'm mad cuz my family is in Sabah, and I'm worried cuz I don't know if this will develop into anything more serious. Ever since I read about this thing that started out without any bloodshed, when the government was like "oh yea, peaceful negotiation bla bla bla", I kept imagining how wars and revolutions start out. How it started out at one small area on a small island, then it spreads to the whole country etc. Just. Ugh.
Listen to Christina Aguilera's Sing For Me. Nice song. Angela introduced it to me. :D
Hope everyone is well. Really need to study!
3/3/13 19:34 Sun
I JUST FOUND OUT IT'S SAM'S BDAY ON TUES!!!!!! PANICKING! WHAT TO BUY?! WHEN TO CELEBRATE?!
Sat 18:39 2/3/13
