Archery.

Today I had a horrible feeling of regret. (I guess.. what's the word for the feeling I felt? What was the feeling I felt?).

First up, what did I do today? I didn't do anything productive AT ALL. Seriously. Well.. to give myself a tiny, tiny sense of self-worth, I did get started on my Chem project. Granted, 'getting started' meaning doing the first paragraph- what are hydrocarbons? So anyway. I seriously ate too much. I was supposed to go jogging, according to my higher-knowlegde. But as soon as I finished brushing my teeth, it rained. It didn't rain for long, but well.. my will sort of flew out the window.

Oh right, I woke up at 10am today. TEN! I haven't slept in for a very very long time! Wowwww. Thinking about it makes me want to roll around in my bed laughing, if I were lying on a bed now that is. When I had free periods in the morning, I always still woke up at normal times to do some work or just use the computer. On Saturdays, I have Indo school. On Sundays, I just wake up early full stop. Well, sometimes on Sundays I wake up a bit later, like 9am or something. But seriously. Ten? It's been a long time.

So anyway. Yes, yes. I totally disgust myself (as I constantly do). I overate today. Gosh. I hate how weak my willpower is when it comes to food. I wish I could throw all the disgusting junk food I have at home out the window without feeling bad! My conscience rules me. Roar. (Just in case you don't get it, I will feel bad because it's a total waste of money, not eating the food I have, and also because there are many people out there who don't even have the opportunity to get those kind of food.) SOOOOO, I ate 4 slices of bread, making 2 peanut spread sandwiches. YUM. That was for lunch. Then I ate the remaining 4 cookies my mum bakes when she was here. Then I finished the open packet of Smith chips (flavour: sweet thai chilli. It's not nice. Seriously. But the photo on the packet looked like it was tomato flavoured and I was craving for tomato flavoured chips! (I miss you, Mister Potato. )=)), bearing in mind that I was the one who ate the portion of Smith chips before today. Then I ate the Twisties I bought together with the Smith chips. (flavour: cheese) It was so not nice. What's with the chips here?? I ate like.. I don't know, 1/5 of it? Then I ate a Boost chocolate bar. THEN, for dinner, Kel and I used the buy one burger and get one free McDonalds voucher that came with the newspaper (yay!). So that was a Mc Chicken burger, and I had a Strawberry Milkshake on the side (a Mc-D one, mind you. So not made with Strawberry ice cream. Just flavouring. But I'm not fussy... much. (Gosh that's so Ms. Grant. She does that all the time. Adding 'much' in at the end of her sentences.)) So yeaaaa. That was my consumption of the day. I'm such a failure.

So yea. I was so agonized that there wasn't anything to watch. All the downloads we have, I've watched all that I'm interested in. There's nothing left. Except Hana Kimi, Taiwanese version. And that's just so annoying but there really isn't anything better to watch (not really anyway). So I read manga online. I was actually reading Hana Kimi, but then I got a bit restless and just went to look for a random one. I found a reasonable one- Kimi ni Todoke. But seriously also ANNOYING. It reminds me of 命中注定我爱你, where it's so long winded and it just goes on and on about how the boy likes the girl and vice versa but both are just not brave enough to confess. Gosh GET OVER YOURSELVES. But seriously, it was readable. So yea. That's pretty much all I did today. Reading manga and eating. I didn't even do the dishes. I feel so guilty that Kel did it. I'm a failure. I AM! Don't deny it. Seriously.

But there's also something that angers me. Well.. Maybe not anger. Just irritates me, or virtually makes the vein in my forehead throb (never seen it happen before in real life. So yes, virtually). Kev woke up and did the laundry before he left for work. And guess what. HE ONLY DID HIS. This makes me think of what Kel said before to mum over the phone. She said that she could easily treat him like a housemate. Do you understand? Housemates do their own laundry, organize their own meals, clean up after themselves etc. etc. This really saddens me a lot. He could have asked whether we needed to get anything washed. That's what we usually do. If I'm in desperate need of clothes, I would wash everyone else's clothes along with mine. Then I go to the kitchen and see that he washed his cereal bowl (and did not put it into the dish washer to dry. Again). That's not the point. The point is that he didn't do the other dishes in the sink as well. Only his own. But, naturally, because I'm such a failure and a coward and a not-outspoken and.. (you get the picture) person, I don't say anything about it. Thus here I am blogging about it. I don't want to make the situation here more tense than it already is. So yea.. I just try and make things easier by being the one who cleans up things so it won't be fought over.

Hmm.. (Just thinking about what else I wanted to say.) Oh ya. Today I was on Facebook and saw Pui Chi's post about the volleyball inter school competition. It was today. I knew! I feel so bad that I didn't wish them. I planned to! But I forgot when I woke up. Gah. So yea. I texted Angela and wished her luck, etc. etc., when it was about 10am over there. I think. And also texted Jessie and Pei. I chatted with Angela for a while and I was telling her to take loads and loads and loads of photos, and asking her to have fun because it's her first, and likely the last time for her (as she might not stay for S3). Then suddenly this wave of realization hit me. I wouldn't call it an epiphany, it wasn't that great. It was more of a ohhhhh craappppppppp kind of thing. I realize that I could have been with them in person for the competition. I realized that I could have been in KK. Mum actually asked me whether I wanted to go back for the holidays a few days before Saturday. I couldn't because I was, I am doing something with the church for Good Friday. And also I had the youth camp thing to go to. The camp thing wasn't that important, it was more because of the Good Friday thing. Because I had already committed to it, if I pulled out, it would just mean more trouble for everyone else. And if I went back after Good Friday, it would be too short a trip to be worth it. I spaced out as I imagined all the fun I could have with them, all the photos I could take with them, with Angela and her number 4 jersey. I was sooooooooo so so so... (insert appropriate word) (I seriously have no idea what word to put). Regret doesn't fit, upset doesn't either, sad, disappointed, despair? I don't know. So yea. Then as always, because my thoughts are always flying all over the place and I always have visual images in my head accompanying my thoughts, I thought of an arrow, flying, flying, flying fast, and fiiiuuuutttt, it pierces my heart and sends my heart flying together with it. That's what I thought of when I had that realization. Then as I was brushing my teeth, I was sort of angry and regretful because if I had gone back, I could have gone to the orthodontist and made a head-way in my driving education.

So yes.. that pretty much sums up today. Tomorrow, I will wake up and go jogging, then bath, then do my project, then walk to Box Hill Centro to get some vegetables, go to the rehearsal thing at church, then cook. I guess. Sheesh. Hope that I will actually finish my project. I'm such a failure. I can't even control myself. This is what I meant when I agreed with Eph's post saying that 'everyone must have a goal and target, then they can live with hope in their hearts and dream in their heads.. that way we can achieve more and overcome every single challenge including DEFEATING OURSELVES'. Defeating ourselves, IMO, is the greatest challenge we must overcome. It's so, so hard imagining a day when I won't salivate at the food I see in Supermarkets. It's so, so hard to imagine a day when I can ignore the calling from the Internet, the games and such and just focus 100% on my work. But I really hope, sincerely hope that I can overcome me. But it sort of doesn't seem likely, does it? I will work hard. And I hope my willpower can control me tomorrow, that it'll get the better of me. Sigh. I feel so disgusted at myself, how slack I am. Gosh. But I only feel this now after everything's been done and there's no such thing as the Time Turner.

Whoa. Didn't intend to post such a long post. I'm turning in now. I pray they will be victorious in this inter school competition, the boys too, for Ah Siaw's sake. Good luck, and work hard. But really, have fun. When you look back, winning/losing isn't what you think of, it's the process of getting there. So I really hope, especially for Angela, that they will have a great time and gain a great, great memory. But for Pei's sake, I hope she will do her very best, smash hard. No regrets. Jessie, I hope she will set and set perfect ball after perfect ball, and maybe even stealing a few balls too. Or maybe she'll down a left-handed setter-smash too. Haha. Hope that you guys will have a great time. I wish I was there alongside you guys, but really, what difference would I make? I know you guys will shine without me.

So without further ado, I will end this post with: remember: Roller Coaster Tycoon, Frogger, Tarzan.