My Heart.

Get ready. Here comes a diarrhoea of everything.

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I think I have grown up. Seriously. I guess it's partly because I have successfully pulled myself back on track. I feel that I have done productive things, and that I'm not wasting time doing stupid things. At the beginning of this month, or maybe before that, I realized that I have not been focused. I've never really actually had the habit of doing homework or studying. Seriously. So when school began, I started going to the school library during my free periods. But then I didn't really get anything done, all the time. I was always just listening to my iPod, looking around, not doing anything. When I got home, it was the same. As soon as I realized that it was my lack of focus that caused this cease of productivity (well.. there wasn't really much to start with actually), I started pulling myself back on track. I think it was partly because I was getting really bad results with my tests. Well, they weren't actually bad. It's just that for those tests, I thought I would be able to score well, well as in like 90+ or even full marks for those I thought really easy. But they came back with an 80+ or, for those where I thought I got all the questions, 90+ i.e. not full marks. I think the lowest point where I knew I really had to buck up was when I got a 76 for a Chem test. *GASP* 76?! HOW COULD THAT BE?, you might think (haha). Well, it's not that big a deal, for those who think that I am a fool for getting such a low mark and that I'm getting stupider. It's just a topic test that doesn't really count for anything. But for those who think that 76 is alright, well, I thought the questions were doable, I thought I could do well. SO IN CONCLUSION, I knew that I had to really reassess myself. Back to the main concern, pulling away from the anecdote, I now say, Yes, I have grown up.

I've taken up my studies. Taken up not necessarily as in studying, but at least doing my homework properly. I've also taken to going to the public library to do homework after school (the school library doesn't open for that long after school). That is also good because the library is about 20 minutes walk away. I need the exercise as it is the only exercise I get, and I don't snack in the library like how I do when I'm at home. Also, I take up my chores with a sense of responsibility. I want to do my chores well, because it's the only way I help out around the house. I'm sort of in charge of food. I do dinner and pack lunches for everyone. Don't get me wrong, I don't cook much or anything. Mum has stocked up LOADS of food in the fridge and freezer. But it does take up time, and I also have to think ahead to what I'm going to serve. Lunches are a bit more of a hassle, but only because I can't shake off my 'perfectionism' and like to make my sandwiches 'perfectly' and that takes up LOTS of time (making sure the spread is even and reaches the edge of the bread etc). I sometimes do the dishes too and also, just like me, I do it sooooo slowly. I am constantly amazed by how fast mum can do it. I'm just so scared of dropping the plates and scared that I leave it dirty. I am also in charge of folding the laundry. (Erm.. what was the main topic again?). So yea. I have grown up, and the trigger for that is mum's absence. In a way I am grateful of that. I've taken up responsibility, made myself learn new things, taken control of my studies. Oh and also, I got back my most recent test today, I got full marks. It was for Methods. I'm really happy. Finally, I thought to myself. This is how it was supposed to be. I also thought: This is how it's going to continue to be. This is only the start. *cross fingers*

In a way I think it is kind of sad that I have grown up so much in such a short time. But yet again (like ALWAYS), I contradict myself and because I'm glad to have done so as well. Why am I sad? I can't help but think of the BOB (back of book, usually refers to answers at the end of text books, but in this case literally, for those summaries of story books) of The Sleeping Father (a book I haven't read...) where it says the father wakes up from a coma to find his son has spiralled to adult maturity in his absence, or something like that. It's sad because I tell my friends that I'm tired from staying up to prepare lunch for my brother and sister and my friends ask me how old they are. I tell them and I suddenly realize that I'm preparing lunch for my siblings who are so much older than me. I never really thought about that side to it. I'm not complaining though, I really really don't mind doing it. I sort of enjoy it in a way. I'm glad in the way that I've actually grown up. Seriously. I've always thought of myself as shallow. It's true. Don't deny it. I feel that I don't really know anything at all. So what if I know how metals are formed, how forces and momentum are calculated, when i don't know real things that matter? I don't know history of anything. I'm so shallow. I don't know of those classic books. I don't know how to cook and clean. The first time I cooked rice was in Pui Chi's house. The first time I cut something up was in Tur's house, cutting a lemon. I'm so shallow. So in this period where I've grown up, I cooked rice, I cooked my own maggie (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) for the First Time!

But of course all this brings stress too. Today was the last day of school. We are on two weeks of holidays now. I should be all glad and everything, but I'm actually quite stressed about this holiday. Seriously. It's because this holiday is a challenge for me. During this holiday, I see it as an opportunity to relax. I enjoy the idea of a holiday, a relaxing holiday. But then I want to keep my focus. I have loads of work to do, I need to study. I have a Unit 3, 4 subject- Maths Methods and I have a SAC (important test!) coming up for it a week after school reopens. I really have to pull ahead of my studies. I also see it as a stressful holiday because I know that because I am the one with the holiday, I should do some cleaning of the house. All these are challenges to me because I desire to not do anything and relax and have fun (though not too possible because I don't have a life). To me, these are really, really challenging challenges. Just shows how I am really so not used to doing all these regularly.

Last thing before going to bed. I'm really really really tired. Physically exhausted. I've been walking so much these few days. Walking to the public library. And today I walked and walked for about 2 hours looking for a part time job. I was looking for nice places to work at and found some, though only a number of them. Hopefully I'll get a job. Yesterday, I was really tired (time of the month). I didn't even go to the public library. That was how tired I was. I even had a nap. But then I did dinner, the dishes. I also cooked the eggplant rotting in the fridge (so it won't rot further). (BTW I'm really proud of myself. I cooked it with soya sauce and oyster sauce and salt and garlic and egg. But honestly, I don't think I really want to try it...). I cut up the huge 7kg watermelon and the melon too. I made sandwiches and packed lunches. I was so so so exhausted. So yea. I'm typing this with heavy eyes and my legs are really really sore.

Yesterday, probably because of the exhaustion, I had those disturbing stressful dreams I hate so much.

Next post...

Gah I have Indo tomorrow. TIRED!