Two of Those Times.

Yes, yes. I can't think of another title for another boring post. But don't worry, the next post won't be 'Three of Those Times'... Or will it be? HMM...

So anyway. Today was quite productive, I guess. I got up at about 8.30am. Applause, applause. It was earlier than my working brother and I'm the one on holiday. Haha. I spent most of my morning cooking (I finished at noon!!). Yes, you heard right. Coo-King! (LAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE). I cooked fried rice today. Clap clap clap! From scratch! I cooked it with, brace yourself: two boiled potatoes, one clove of garlic, 4 or 5 eggplants (GASP! EGGPLANTS!!!) (they were green by the way. I thought they were zucchinis or something..), 1 zucchini (yes, I am sure it wasn't an eggplant), 2 or 3 carrots, and the frozen peas and sweet corn which come in a packet from Coles or something. Oh and also some frozen pork. It was actually some pork shoulder or something that came with huge bones that were meant for soups or something. Sorry, but looks like it was totally wasted. It was absolutely disgusting, cutting it up. So yea, basically I cut up the meat from the bones, and of course, I excluded all the weird-looking parts or fatty-looking parts. Therefore, I ended up with only a few pieces of meat (and by a few, I really mean FEW). It was totally wasted on me. SORRY! Why did I want to cook fried rice? Well, I wanted to clear the stuff in the fridge before they rot. The zucchini-looking-eggplant was starting to look pretty bad. So yea. Oh and I also cooked it the healthy way. Muahaha. Without salt. Because I used soya sauce (though not a lot) so I opted to go without salt. The end product? Weird textured fried rice. Because I used newly-cooked rice, not old rice, so it was a bit sticky. But all in all, edible. =D

Today I also walked to the library. The library seems so, so, so far away when I'm carrying a laptop and a few exercise books in my bag. Gosh. I was so tired. But I actually went to the library more for the exercise than anything else. Really. I only spent an hour and a half or 2 hours there. But it was also because I forgot to bring some stuff there. SOOOO, my stay was short lived. (Yayyyyyyyyy.......).

Oh and the best part is.. drumrollllll: I didn't snack. Haha. Mainly because I spent my whole day cooking and then eating lunch, then going to the library? I actually wanted to eat a muffin and ice cream as a reward. But I was too full. I ate an apple after dinner because I haven't been eating much fruits. (for quite some time). But I promise. Tomorrow! Muffin and ice cream! (But I don't think it's likely).

Gosh.. Time is flying by. Which makes me sort of angry. Again, I know. I'm so hopeless. Tomorrow at 9pm I have to go to church (it's after the Holy Thursday mass) for a rehearsal. Then it's Good Friday already. Stressful. Not about the play thing, but more because time is flying by and I still haven't finished my project. I did get some of it done. Only two points left, but still. Gah. There's still so much to do! I also plan reading some Literature books for the reading journal thing! *BREATHES TO CALM SELF DOWN BEFORE MENTALLY THROWING SOMETHING. Note 'mentally'.* I've decided to read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (aka Alice in Wonderland). I've never read the book. So why not? I really have to broaden my (ermmm) (insert-own-word) whatever, because the only thing I can comment on after reading a book is how well it's written, the use of words and the language, etc etc, it's always surrounding the author (I have a feeling I've mentioned this before. BUT I DON'T CARE. READ IT AGAIN! So I really have to make myself be critical in terms of the characters themselves. To see beyond their actions and attitudes, their reactions. GAH. I MUST!

So, tomorrow, I shall: Wake up, wash the dishes up (I left them there), do the laundry, clean the toilets (so overdue!), do my work (maybe in the library.. Hmm) and then it'll be time to go to the rehearsal thing. Sigh.. Makes me depressed.

Oh, on a really optimistic note, THEY WON! They won the volleyball inter school! Seriously a big hug for Angela, Pei and Jessie (of course the others as well), and a huge congratulations. My being a part of it seems like such a thing of the long-forgotten past. Erm.. Random point, I know. But oh well. Congratulations!!! I'm so proud of Angela. Really! Happy that you stuck it out. Pei and Jessie, I knew you both could do it, never had a doubt. Well.. You guys really deserve the win. I sincerely hope that you guys had fun and that you will enjoy the post-win celebrations and joy. Yadda yadda yadda.

I blame my unproductivity (what's the correct word for that?) on the manga. It's seriously been all I have been doing most of the time. Sigh. BUT, I finished the manga I was reading. Well, the manga isn't finished, but they haven't gotten it on their website yet. Which is a big relief for me, because then I shall not read anymore until it is updated. Sigh. That's so sad. My life is all about the manga. (at least during these few days). I've been thinking about my sad, antisocial, lonely life. It's so different from back home. So, so different it's like I'm in another life. I look at the cliques of friends in my school here and think that that's how my life used to be. Now, I spend it quietly with one or two friends. Usually in silence (not awkward though..). But then like I said, I've been thinking. And I will change that. At least I'll try to. It's just I'm so shy. Shy in the way that I'm so scared of people judging me. They will assume things. Things that are not accurate and I always feel so embarrassed to not live up to their assumptions or to reveal that I am indeed not according to it. But, I don't care. I am going to start with the Cha Siew Pao group of Asians. They are cool. Hopefully I'll succeed. I really want to. I don't want to spend my life so miserably (not that I actually am though). So, I will give it another try. You know in A Cinderella Story, the one with Hilary Duff and Chad Michael Murray, at the end of the movie during the football game, when the guy finally gets the girl (what a surprise), the girl's best friend in the stands stands up and says in a totally-in-awe-utterly-unbelievable-in-an-awesome-way 'High school is awesome'. I know it's stupid, but I want my high school life to be like that too. As in I want, when I think back, for it to be 'high school is awesome' as well.

Erm.. Totally off topic. I know. There're so many other things I need to blog about. I will get there one day. For now, I have to go to bed. I really must save myself from this anger and stress by DOING SOMETHING. As in getting my work done. ARGHHHHHHHHHH *pulls already white hair out*.

One of Those Times.

Hey. So yea. It is one of those times that I couldn't think of a title, because it's just a normal post about my minute-to-minute records of my activities today. Haha. So yes, it's going to be a boring post. *THE HORROR*

Today, I did almost all the things on the list I composed yesterday. Almost all, but not all. I did go jogging. Gosh I'm so seriously unfit. I can't even run a whole round of the park without stopping. It's not even THAT big a park. SIGH. I miss the days when I could run 1500m in the school field without much sweat. It was fun. But now, I am no longer a youthful, energetic person. I usually just resort to shrivelling up on the couch reading a book or watching pointless TV. BUT, at least I got some exercise done. Haha.

I walked to the church too. It's about a 15-20 minute walk from my house. It's a bit far, but it's good to get that exercise. I had the Good Friday rehearsal thing. They are doing this sort of play thing for the Good Friday mass. So yea. I'm going to be a part of that. Kind of lame I guess. It's a bit boring, but I guess it's better than rotting at home. SIGHHHHH.

I also did some of my Chem project. Yes, yes, I know I didn't finish it. I'm ashamed. But that's me. SIGHHHHHHHH. I still have probably 2/3 left to get done. Tomorrow I guess. It's only 9pm and I'm already feeling bushed. It's a good thing I guess. To be tired from exercising.

Today I ate: a bowl of KoKo Krunch and 2 slices of bread with peanut spread for lunch, and two slices of leftover pizza for dinner (from Earth Hour). *GASP!!!!!* Is that all? Wow.. it IS!! I'm so amazed! Yes, applause applause. I wanted to cut up apples for Kel just now. But I forgot. Oh and another thing I forgot was that yesterday, I read 36 chapters of the manga. That's how much time I spent on manga. I started reading a different manga. Haha.

Sheesh. Getting angry and frustrated thinking about it. I have to get a move on! So here's tomorrow's list: FINISH CHEM PROJ, DO AGM WORK! I guess that's all. Sigh. Annoying. Annoyed at myself. Oh well.

Here's a reminder to myself for the end of the post: KoKo Krunch -> memories!

Archery.

Today I had a horrible feeling of regret. (I guess.. what's the word for the feeling I felt? What was the feeling I felt?).

First up, what did I do today? I didn't do anything productive AT ALL. Seriously. Well.. to give myself a tiny, tiny sense of self-worth, I did get started on my Chem project. Granted, 'getting started' meaning doing the first paragraph- what are hydrocarbons? So anyway. I seriously ate too much. I was supposed to go jogging, according to my higher-knowlegde. But as soon as I finished brushing my teeth, it rained. It didn't rain for long, but well.. my will sort of flew out the window.

Oh right, I woke up at 10am today. TEN! I haven't slept in for a very very long time! Wowwww. Thinking about it makes me want to roll around in my bed laughing, if I were lying on a bed now that is. When I had free periods in the morning, I always still woke up at normal times to do some work or just use the computer. On Saturdays, I have Indo school. On Sundays, I just wake up early full stop. Well, sometimes on Sundays I wake up a bit later, like 9am or something. But seriously. Ten? It's been a long time.

So anyway. Yes, yes. I totally disgust myself (as I constantly do). I overate today. Gosh. I hate how weak my willpower is when it comes to food. I wish I could throw all the disgusting junk food I have at home out the window without feeling bad! My conscience rules me. Roar. (Just in case you don't get it, I will feel bad because it's a total waste of money, not eating the food I have, and also because there are many people out there who don't even have the opportunity to get those kind of food.) SOOOOO, I ate 4 slices of bread, making 2 peanut spread sandwiches. YUM. That was for lunch. Then I ate the remaining 4 cookies my mum bakes when she was here. Then I finished the open packet of Smith chips (flavour: sweet thai chilli. It's not nice. Seriously. But the photo on the packet looked like it was tomato flavoured and I was craving for tomato flavoured chips! (I miss you, Mister Potato. )=)), bearing in mind that I was the one who ate the portion of Smith chips before today. Then I ate the Twisties I bought together with the Smith chips. (flavour: cheese) It was so not nice. What's with the chips here?? I ate like.. I don't know, 1/5 of it? Then I ate a Boost chocolate bar. THEN, for dinner, Kel and I used the buy one burger and get one free McDonalds voucher that came with the newspaper (yay!). So that was a Mc Chicken burger, and I had a Strawberry Milkshake on the side (a Mc-D one, mind you. So not made with Strawberry ice cream. Just flavouring. But I'm not fussy... much. (Gosh that's so Ms. Grant. She does that all the time. Adding 'much' in at the end of her sentences.)) So yeaaaa. That was my consumption of the day. I'm such a failure.

So yea. I was so agonized that there wasn't anything to watch. All the downloads we have, I've watched all that I'm interested in. There's nothing left. Except Hana Kimi, Taiwanese version. And that's just so annoying but there really isn't anything better to watch (not really anyway). So I read manga online. I was actually reading Hana Kimi, but then I got a bit restless and just went to look for a random one. I found a reasonable one- Kimi ni Todoke. But seriously also ANNOYING. It reminds me of 命中注定我爱你, where it's so long winded and it just goes on and on about how the boy likes the girl and vice versa but both are just not brave enough to confess. Gosh GET OVER YOURSELVES. But seriously, it was readable. So yea. That's pretty much all I did today. Reading manga and eating. I didn't even do the dishes. I feel so guilty that Kel did it. I'm a failure. I AM! Don't deny it. Seriously.

But there's also something that angers me. Well.. Maybe not anger. Just irritates me, or virtually makes the vein in my forehead throb (never seen it happen before in real life. So yes, virtually). Kev woke up and did the laundry before he left for work. And guess what. HE ONLY DID HIS. This makes me think of what Kel said before to mum over the phone. She said that she could easily treat him like a housemate. Do you understand? Housemates do their own laundry, organize their own meals, clean up after themselves etc. etc. This really saddens me a lot. He could have asked whether we needed to get anything washed. That's what we usually do. If I'm in desperate need of clothes, I would wash everyone else's clothes along with mine. Then I go to the kitchen and see that he washed his cereal bowl (and did not put it into the dish washer to dry. Again). That's not the point. The point is that he didn't do the other dishes in the sink as well. Only his own. But, naturally, because I'm such a failure and a coward and a not-outspoken and.. (you get the picture) person, I don't say anything about it. Thus here I am blogging about it. I don't want to make the situation here more tense than it already is. So yea.. I just try and make things easier by being the one who cleans up things so it won't be fought over.

Hmm.. (Just thinking about what else I wanted to say.) Oh ya. Today I was on Facebook and saw Pui Chi's post about the volleyball inter school competition. It was today. I knew! I feel so bad that I didn't wish them. I planned to! But I forgot when I woke up. Gah. So yea. I texted Angela and wished her luck, etc. etc., when it was about 10am over there. I think. And also texted Jessie and Pei. I chatted with Angela for a while and I was telling her to take loads and loads and loads of photos, and asking her to have fun because it's her first, and likely the last time for her (as she might not stay for S3). Then suddenly this wave of realization hit me. I wouldn't call it an epiphany, it wasn't that great. It was more of a ohhhhh craappppppppp kind of thing. I realize that I could have been with them in person for the competition. I realized that I could have been in KK. Mum actually asked me whether I wanted to go back for the holidays a few days before Saturday. I couldn't because I was, I am doing something with the church for Good Friday. And also I had the youth camp thing to go to. The camp thing wasn't that important, it was more because of the Good Friday thing. Because I had already committed to it, if I pulled out, it would just mean more trouble for everyone else. And if I went back after Good Friday, it would be too short a trip to be worth it. I spaced out as I imagined all the fun I could have with them, all the photos I could take with them, with Angela and her number 4 jersey. I was sooooooooo so so so... (insert appropriate word) (I seriously have no idea what word to put). Regret doesn't fit, upset doesn't either, sad, disappointed, despair? I don't know. So yea. Then as always, because my thoughts are always flying all over the place and I always have visual images in my head accompanying my thoughts, I thought of an arrow, flying, flying, flying fast, and fiiiuuuutttt, it pierces my heart and sends my heart flying together with it. That's what I thought of when I had that realization. Then as I was brushing my teeth, I was sort of angry and regretful because if I had gone back, I could have gone to the orthodontist and made a head-way in my driving education.

So yes.. that pretty much sums up today. Tomorrow, I will wake up and go jogging, then bath, then do my project, then walk to Box Hill Centro to get some vegetables, go to the rehearsal thing at church, then cook. I guess. Sheesh. Hope that I will actually finish my project. I'm such a failure. I can't even control myself. This is what I meant when I agreed with Eph's post saying that 'everyone must have a goal and target, then they can live with hope in their hearts and dream in their heads.. that way we can achieve more and overcome every single challenge including DEFEATING OURSELVES'. Defeating ourselves, IMO, is the greatest challenge we must overcome. It's so, so hard imagining a day when I won't salivate at the food I see in Supermarkets. It's so, so hard to imagine a day when I can ignore the calling from the Internet, the games and such and just focus 100% on my work. But I really hope, sincerely hope that I can overcome me. But it sort of doesn't seem likely, does it? I will work hard. And I hope my willpower can control me tomorrow, that it'll get the better of me. Sigh. I feel so disgusted at myself, how slack I am. Gosh. But I only feel this now after everything's been done and there's no such thing as the Time Turner.

Whoa. Didn't intend to post such a long post. I'm turning in now. I pray they will be victorious in this inter school competition, the boys too, for Ah Siaw's sake. Good luck, and work hard. But really, have fun. When you look back, winning/losing isn't what you think of, it's the process of getting there. So I really hope, especially for Angela, that they will have a great time and gain a great, great memory. But for Pei's sake, I hope she will do her very best, smash hard. No regrets. Jessie, I hope she will set and set perfect ball after perfect ball, and maybe even stealing a few balls too. Or maybe she'll down a left-handed setter-smash too. Haha. Hope that you guys will have a great time. I wish I was there alongside you guys, but really, what difference would I make? I know you guys will shine without me.

So without further ado, I will end this post with: remember: Roller Coaster Tycoon, Frogger, Tarzan.

Perfect Evening

Ell Ou Ell, seriously. Perfect evening? It so didn't last.

Earth Hour 2010

It is now 10.20pm. We've been doing Earth 'Hour' since 8.30pm. Thinking about Earth Hour brings up sad, disappointing memories that happened during Earth Hour 2009 back home. Anyway.

So me, Kel and Kev went to Doncaster to get pizza. I bought a spaghetti, and Kel and Kev chose 3 pizzas. They were crazy! Seriously! (or I guess I'm supposed to say 'we'?). We bought a combo which was two large pizzas, 1 pasta, 1 drink and 1 garlic bread. We also bought a family sized pizza (larger than large (haha)). So yea, when we got back, it was about 8.15pm. I think that at that time we were all in relatively high spirits. The pizza smelt great and we chose a drink none of us had before- brown cream soda. It's basically ice cream soda, but it's just brown. It was ok, but I wouldn't choose that drink next time. It's just sugar. So anyway, we got the plates out, two tiny 'scented' candles (you couldn't really smell anything though), and got the movie ready. So we sat down, Kel and I on the floor and Kev on the couch, and started watching The Time Traveler's Wife.

It was awesome!!!!! It was dark and fun. Part of me wanted to open the blinds and look at neighbours' houses, see whether they were Earth Houring with us as well. To think that other people are doing the same thing as us is.. fun, to me. So anyway. The movie. Wow. I haven't read the book and now I so so so want to read it. The movie was great! I thought that the arrangement was great! The casting was great, the effects too. But I don't know.. a tiny bit sceptical because I haven't read the book yet. But anyway, the movie's great. Will be waiting to get my hands on the book. My mum already bought it when she was in KL the last trip she went back. So yay for me!!

But, if I think about it, I might be able to analyse something. You know, in a 'literature' point of view. I might be able to analyse the characters, their attitudes and views. But for now, I haven't picked up on anything. That's how blur I am. How I just go with everything I read/watch.

So anyway. The pasta I had was great. The movie was great. We were doing something for a good cause. So all in all, except for that heaviness in my stomach which indicates my over eating, it was a perfect evening. =D

Maybe one day I might mention the 2009 Earth Hour, if I hadn't mentioned it before. But for now, my lacrimal glands are sore and my eyes dry. Tomorrow, I am going to start working. First on my list is my desk, second is my Chem project. One step by one step, and I won't take 'no' for an answer. I must get started, and must finish those two tasks tomorrow.

Goodnight world. And believe it or not, I miss J.J. and Rudy. Hitz dot eff em. =D

My Emptiness.

Continuation. Get your popcorn.

Body Paragraph:

So I'm still really tired. I had my Indo Oral fake SAC today. I have no idea why, but they call the exams (or Outcomes, which is the right word for it) SACs, and SACs are only for 3, 4 subjects. It's so stressful to hear them calling it a SAC. But anyway, I thought I did okay. I've never really been good at speaking. But this time it was okay. Oh and it was different. It wasn't like back home where we prepare a script and memorize it and stuff. This oral was just a conversation. It was quite enjoyable. But I thought I could have done better. I got an A for it. So I guess that's okay. I'm too tired to care.

I had my Eng outcomes a few weeks back. I had the written response one, and the oral one. Both were based on The Kite Runner. The written one, I thought I did okay, but seriously I'm not too confident, it's just really subjective. The topic was 'In rescuing Sohrab, Amir finds redemption not only for himself but for Baba. Do you agree?'. The other topic was about the social classes of Hazaras and Pashtuns. Or something like that, I don't really remember. For the oral, I partnered up with Bill (a China guy who is really annoyingly smart and speaks in a weird accent but is quite fluent in English). We did the politics of Afghanistan at the time setting of the novel and also its current political situation. Or something. I thought we did okay.. but I was kind of nervous for that one. I also thought I could have done better. BUT OH WELL. It's just an outcome.

About The Kite Runner, I think it is an amazingly awesome, awesome book! Seriously. I think the more that I think about the book, the more I think the plot is amazing. I found a plot hole though, but not until after my classmates brought up some issues about the book. The more I analyse the book, the more epiphanies hit me (about the book of course, not about my life. That would be great though). So yea. It's so cool!! The ending was absolutely hands-down amazing. I felt some parts were a bit rushed, at the end of the book especially. But then to think that it was the author's first novel, wow. I'm still struggling to be really critical. It's hard for me. I'm fine with analysing how the author writes his book, how he uses the language and words, how he arranges his plot. But then for the characters, I find it really hard. Like we have to see that when the character does that, she shows that she views the world as such. Etc etc etc etc etc. It's hard for me to connect the characters' words and actions to he/she's belief, views, attitudes etc. So anyway, back to The Kite Runner. It was my classmates that revealed to me that Amir was actually not a good guy. I would never have thought of that. I always just go along with the story, nodding my head and accepting it. They said that Amir was just a bad person with all he did. Then I realized that, yea, they do have a point. But then you consider everything that was going on at the time, it makes sense. But then my question is: why didn't Rahim Khan do something about it if he knew? HUH??? He could have like talked to Amir or something to at least let Amir know that he wasn't the only one bearing that guilt. ARGH!!!!! To think that the author wrote a story that lasted three generations, how thick and well-written the plot is, it's all so amazing. I'm just going to stop here now.

I dropped Physics. Just to inform you guys. I took up Literature. I'm a bit sad that I couldn't do History, but that's the way it is. I can't have the cake and eat it. STUPID CAKE. Anyway. Literature, it's hard. It's hard in the way that everyone in that class is like so awesomely perspective and sharp and critical and smart. And I'm just a shallow Malaysian who doesn't know anything about The Catcher in the Rye, The Adoration of Jenna Fox ETC ETC ETC. Seriously. I don't have a clue of all the books they talk about in class. We have done A Doll's Play, by Henrik Ibsen. It's a play. It was quite simple but then that was too me only. Little (seriously little) did I know that it was more than what the characters said or did. Whoa. The play was on a whole other level than what I initially thought it was. It goes so much deeper. It was good. We are doing Pleasantville, a movie. It's quite interesting because I watched it before in MAS. I thought it was a weird and boring film. Seriously. I didn't even finish watching it. But now after analysing it (with so much help from everyone else. Heh), it actually seems like a great movie. O.O So yea. That's how different and hard I find it. I'm quite happy that I've dropped Physics because in Literature, it's so not stressful. It's quite enjoyable sometimes and there's hardly any work.

Yesterday I actually bought pizza from down the road. I went there earlier to apply for a job and I saw them making pizza and thought it would be nice to have some. And since Kev and Kel were working late, I decided to just go for it. It was a nice treat for me. But me, being so me, I ordered a pineapple and ham pizza, when I don't even like ham. It was a wood fire pizza, so it was different. It was quite nice, but a bit expensive. I paid 9aud for it and it was only a medium and the cheapest one. But anyway. It was a nice treat after walking for 2 hours and walking so much for the past few days. Sigh.

Oh and I would like to elaborate the story of my first maggie. The other day when mum was still here, I was hungry and had a sudden craving for Maggie. Mum was asleep so I just told her that I'm going to cook my own maggie. I did. It was curry, with an egg! =D It was nice!!!!!! Granted, the noodles were a bit overcooked, but it was still nice. When I finished it, I was so proud of having cooked my first maggie ever. So I decided to cook another one. Curry too, with an egg. While I was cooking it, my mum woke up and I told her I'm cooking maggie. It was also a bit overcooked. But oh well. Later that night I told her that I actually had two packets of maggie. She was so shocked. As expected, she didn't realize that I was actually cooking my second one. So yea. Since then, I've only cooked another maggie, and that was Asam Laksa, with an egg. =D I have indeed grown up. Tur, you no longer have to cook maggie for me. =D

Today at Indo school during recess, there were people selling crepes. The canteen doesn't open and so we always bring our own food there. But this time they were selling crepes, making them on the spot. It cost 3aud. It was okay, nothing special. I had one with strawberry jam and chocolate. It was so yum!!! Just wanted to mention that because it was a treat as well.

Living life here, it is certainly sort of looking up, what with me back on track and everything. I'm still a bit lonely sometimes, which makes me really sad to think about what I had in the past. But anyway. Sometimes I still get really frustrated and disappointed. Frustrated when my brother does stupid and seriously inconsiderate things that just inconveniences other people in the house. Like how when he takes out the glad-wrapped watermelon to eat, he doesn't even throw the glad-wrap away but just leaves it there. Small things like that that should be taken care of are necessary to make living together easier and reduces conflict. But I always try to placate myself. I just stare at the glad-wrap, think of how inconsiderate it is, then pick it up and throw it away and clean the area up. Get over it. It's like how my Chem teacher always says, just build a bridge and get over it. Sometimes she says 'well, cry me a river and build a bridge to get over it'. I think that's funny. Have I ever told you guys? (If I have then TOO BAD. Hear it again). There was once Ms. Grant (the Chem teacher)'s very good friend, Ms. Spoori (the one who let us watch Transformers 3 in Consumer Sci last year because she got us lost in the brewery excursion) was passing through the classroom holding a couple of long sticks that looked like bamboos. Ms. Grant asked her what that was for and Ms. Spoori answered 'I'm building a bridge and getting over it'. HAHA.

On the previous topic about dominoes, well, I don't know what was the first domino that hit down the rest. Just want to mention that. And it is because of this reason that I get scared when I don't post things for a long time. I tend to forget things, things that seemed significant at the time. So yea. It's pretty sad. It's pretty sad that things that seemed so important at the time suddenly became non-existant in your head. =(

Ok. I have a confession to make. I've been losing my mind. Seriously. Proof? I forgot Tur's birthday!!!!! Well, technically I didn't forget, I just got the date wrong. Seriously! Gah. I am such an idiot. I put the date down in my mind as 24th of March. As my birthday is on the 12th of February, or 12/2, I get confused easily because Tur's is actually the 24th of April, which is 24/4. Multiply by birthday by two! Then there's SOMEONE'S birthday on the 24/3, then there's Sotong's birthday on 12/4! It's so confusing. So I don't know why, I just put the wrong date in my mind. I was so stressed that I would forget to wish her, I kept reminding myself again and again. I set an alarm on my phone to remind me too. Then I sent her a text to wish her and HAH. It wasn't even her birthday. Gosh. Anyway. It was kind of hilarious, to me. Hopefully I won't forget again. SORRY TUR.

Anyway. You know the disturbing, stressful dream I had that I mentioned in previous post? It was about this. I dreamt that I forget Pei's birthday as well! That I wished her on the wrong date as well. And after I pressed the 'send' button, I realized it was wrong and I tried to stop it but I could virtually see the 'envelope' containing my birthday wish fly away as I reached out for it. I was so devastated that I made the same mistake again. And then the dream changed to something I don't remember. So yes. I hate those stressful dreams. Gah. It haunts me. Haha.

For this holiday, I have some stuff to do. I have to finish up my exercises for AGM chap 11, then going on to do the chapter review, and then the revision sheet. I might do extra questions from the website, but I'm not sure. There's also Methods. I have to finish up chap 4 and then do the review. After that I'm going to go back to chap 1 and 2 to do the reviews and I'm going to do revision questions from the website and also the Checkpoints book. Then I have to do Chem questions for chap 5 and 6. I have to read the text book for Chap 5 and 6 (we don't really use the text book much, but it comes out in tests, which is why I do so badly because I never study the text book). Then I have the Chem 'project' to do. Better get that done soon. Then for English, I have to watch the movie Gran Torino. Hmm.. For Literature, I have to read. Then I have to go get some work certificates, like working with children check and stuff like that. This is to broaden my job opportunities. Then I have to clean the house. There was something else but I don't remember now. Oh and also I have to remember to keep myself sane and focused and alive. Ok. Let's leave all these unchecked boxes. Moving on.

For Literature, our long term homework is to read. We have to make this reading journal. This is to note down our thoughts and things like that. It's a bit disconcerting because when I came here last year, I promised myself that I wouldn't read. I was coming here to study. I knew how I could get carried away with books (I did break that promise though..). And so now I find myself without my bookshelf and with a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny almost non-existent selection of books. I will have to go to the library or Borders (WHEE) to read. So we have to do at least 10 texts. Of these 10, no more than two can be a film, at least two must be Australian, at least one from the 19th century, at least one from the 20th century, at least one poet and at least one play. So yea. I find myself lost because the books I read are in no way close to the league of books I'm expected to read for this class, and also to the league of books my classmates read. So yea. I'm a bit worried. I haven't started and it's due by the end of the 2nd term. Sigh. I'm currently reading a Nicholas Sparks novel, Nights in Rodanthe from the public library. But it isn't exactly a classic. We're not exactly limited to classics, but then we're supposed to challenge ourselves. I think it's a great opportunity. But then the public library isn't exactly great. They only have one copy of each book. And it's really hard to find books, unlike Borders, with their great computers.

Anywayyyyy.. It's Earth Hour today. 27th of March, Saturday, 2010, 8.30pm-9.30pm. Apparently over here, they do Earth 'Weekends' and things like that. Where it's lights off for the whole weekend. I don't know, I've heard of it. But anyway. I think tonight we're going to eat pizza in the dark and watch The Time Traveller's Wife, which we have at home. So cheers to that. My friends, (if you have arrived to the very end of this post, congratulations) do Earth Hour okay.

See you! I don't think my blabbering is done. There are still loads of things. But till then I guess. Now, I shall watch TV and fold the laundry. Later I'm going to clear my desk and then do Chem project. Stupid meaningless project. Sigh. =D

My Heart.

Get ready. Here comes a diarrhoea of everything.

Body Paragraph:

I think I have grown up. Seriously. I guess it's partly because I have successfully pulled myself back on track. I feel that I have done productive things, and that I'm not wasting time doing stupid things. At the beginning of this month, or maybe before that, I realized that I have not been focused. I've never really actually had the habit of doing homework or studying. Seriously. So when school began, I started going to the school library during my free periods. But then I didn't really get anything done, all the time. I was always just listening to my iPod, looking around, not doing anything. When I got home, it was the same. As soon as I realized that it was my lack of focus that caused this cease of productivity (well.. there wasn't really much to start with actually), I started pulling myself back on track. I think it was partly because I was getting really bad results with my tests. Well, they weren't actually bad. It's just that for those tests, I thought I would be able to score well, well as in like 90+ or even full marks for those I thought really easy. But they came back with an 80+ or, for those where I thought I got all the questions, 90+ i.e. not full marks. I think the lowest point where I knew I really had to buck up was when I got a 76 for a Chem test. *GASP* 76?! HOW COULD THAT BE?, you might think (haha). Well, it's not that big a deal, for those who think that I am a fool for getting such a low mark and that I'm getting stupider. It's just a topic test that doesn't really count for anything. But for those who think that 76 is alright, well, I thought the questions were doable, I thought I could do well. SO IN CONCLUSION, I knew that I had to really reassess myself. Back to the main concern, pulling away from the anecdote, I now say, Yes, I have grown up.

I've taken up my studies. Taken up not necessarily as in studying, but at least doing my homework properly. I've also taken to going to the public library to do homework after school (the school library doesn't open for that long after school). That is also good because the library is about 20 minutes walk away. I need the exercise as it is the only exercise I get, and I don't snack in the library like how I do when I'm at home. Also, I take up my chores with a sense of responsibility. I want to do my chores well, because it's the only way I help out around the house. I'm sort of in charge of food. I do dinner and pack lunches for everyone. Don't get me wrong, I don't cook much or anything. Mum has stocked up LOADS of food in the fridge and freezer. But it does take up time, and I also have to think ahead to what I'm going to serve. Lunches are a bit more of a hassle, but only because I can't shake off my 'perfectionism' and like to make my sandwiches 'perfectly' and that takes up LOTS of time (making sure the spread is even and reaches the edge of the bread etc). I sometimes do the dishes too and also, just like me, I do it sooooo slowly. I am constantly amazed by how fast mum can do it. I'm just so scared of dropping the plates and scared that I leave it dirty. I am also in charge of folding the laundry. (Erm.. what was the main topic again?). So yea. I have grown up, and the trigger for that is mum's absence. In a way I am grateful of that. I've taken up responsibility, made myself learn new things, taken control of my studies. Oh and also, I got back my most recent test today, I got full marks. It was for Methods. I'm really happy. Finally, I thought to myself. This is how it was supposed to be. I also thought: This is how it's going to continue to be. This is only the start. *cross fingers*

In a way I think it is kind of sad that I have grown up so much in such a short time. But yet again (like ALWAYS), I contradict myself and because I'm glad to have done so as well. Why am I sad? I can't help but think of the BOB (back of book, usually refers to answers at the end of text books, but in this case literally, for those summaries of story books) of The Sleeping Father (a book I haven't read...) where it says the father wakes up from a coma to find his son has spiralled to adult maturity in his absence, or something like that. It's sad because I tell my friends that I'm tired from staying up to prepare lunch for my brother and sister and my friends ask me how old they are. I tell them and I suddenly realize that I'm preparing lunch for my siblings who are so much older than me. I never really thought about that side to it. I'm not complaining though, I really really don't mind doing it. I sort of enjoy it in a way. I'm glad in the way that I've actually grown up. Seriously. I've always thought of myself as shallow. It's true. Don't deny it. I feel that I don't really know anything at all. So what if I know how metals are formed, how forces and momentum are calculated, when i don't know real things that matter? I don't know history of anything. I'm so shallow. I don't know of those classic books. I don't know how to cook and clean. The first time I cooked rice was in Pui Chi's house. The first time I cut something up was in Tur's house, cutting a lemon. I'm so shallow. So in this period where I've grown up, I cooked rice, I cooked my own maggie (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) for the First Time!

But of course all this brings stress too. Today was the last day of school. We are on two weeks of holidays now. I should be all glad and everything, but I'm actually quite stressed about this holiday. Seriously. It's because this holiday is a challenge for me. During this holiday, I see it as an opportunity to relax. I enjoy the idea of a holiday, a relaxing holiday. But then I want to keep my focus. I have loads of work to do, I need to study. I have a Unit 3, 4 subject- Maths Methods and I have a SAC (important test!) coming up for it a week after school reopens. I really have to pull ahead of my studies. I also see it as a stressful holiday because I know that because I am the one with the holiday, I should do some cleaning of the house. All these are challenges to me because I desire to not do anything and relax and have fun (though not too possible because I don't have a life). To me, these are really, really challenging challenges. Just shows how I am really so not used to doing all these regularly.

Last thing before going to bed. I'm really really really tired. Physically exhausted. I've been walking so much these few days. Walking to the public library. And today I walked and walked for about 2 hours looking for a part time job. I was looking for nice places to work at and found some, though only a number of them. Hopefully I'll get a job. Yesterday, I was really tired (time of the month). I didn't even go to the public library. That was how tired I was. I even had a nap. But then I did dinner, the dishes. I also cooked the eggplant rotting in the fridge (so it won't rot further). (BTW I'm really proud of myself. I cooked it with soya sauce and oyster sauce and salt and garlic and egg. But honestly, I don't think I really want to try it...). I cut up the huge 7kg watermelon and the melon too. I made sandwiches and packed lunches. I was so so so exhausted. So yea. I'm typing this with heavy eyes and my legs are really really sore.

Yesterday, probably because of the exhaustion, I had those disturbing stressful dreams I hate so much.

Next post...

Gah I have Indo tomorrow. TIRED!

Blame Facebook.

Introduction:

Seriously. Blame Facebook. Every time I go online, I go on 3 things. My email, my blog and FB. I check my email and reply them, go on FB and waste time there, and by the time I get to my blog, I feel too lazy. So yea.

There's been so much stuff that has happened since I stopped posting stuff up. So many things that I think are significant, are not recorded down and are just weak memories in my head. So many of them to the extent that I am scared. Scared that I'll lose those memories, that I'll forget and those things just become non-existent. So yea. This post will be a really, really long one. Don't say that I didn't warn you. Because there are so many events, thoughts, memories ETC ETC ETC that just go on forever, I'm just going to type what comes to mind, and TRY to sort them out by events, but I'm too tired to do that. So, prepare yourself for a jumbled up, confusing post about almost anything.

Oh and also, why did I privatize my blog? Well. First, I would like to express my disapproving feelings towards you (pointing at no one in particular. Just being a teenager, blaming other people) for not listening to me when. I. said. to. not. not. not. put. my. name. in. links. I'm actually sufficiently annoyed by that. I have no intention to make my blog private. I would actually like to think that someone random out there came across my blog and reads it. But now that's never going to happen. But also, like always, I go a pie are square and come full circle and point back to myself. I have mentioned my own name before, I know. It's so frustrating. Seriously. But in the end, I still felt that this decision is necessary. I don't want certain people to read my blog. People I know. There are things that I type here that make me internally cringe and wince and blush at my own foolishness. I don't want people I know but don't really know judging me and things like that, knowing these things. So yea. I'm sure some of you will know who I'm talking about. So, that is my decision.... regretfully.

Seeing as this is long enough, I shall have a tiny bit of mercy for all of you and post this as one post. Hehe.

I Must Remember

People who aim for a perfect ending watch to much fairytales . Whereas people who aim for a dramatic life watch too much dramas. Some of us aim just to have fun. Awewyyeeeeaaaaa! To he'll with drama and fairytales . We don't lie to oursleves! Agree?

I want to remember it!

Everyday is my birthday.....

NO crypticness, NO emoness, NO 多来-ness!

EYE. MUST. BE. CARE. FREE!!!!!

Dominoes

I hate the dominoes effect. I HATE IT. It always makes me feel so crappy. I'm talking about when I think of something sad or something MAKES me feel sad, then as usual, my perpetually flying thoughts makes me lead that sad feeling to another, and to another, and to another.

I'm not going to talk about it too much. I'm just going to say that the end product of my 'depressed period' is me feeling immensely lonely and out of place, friendless. Curse my cursed 'speech impediment in the English language'. At times like this I wish that I was still back home, or at least studying in KL or in Malaysia. And yet I know I'm lucky for this opportunity to study here and stuff. I'm always contradicting myself. I never let myself feel one way, I always turn around and say 'but I shouldn't think like that because (state reason)'. Stupid.

I would like to talk about the cause of this, the first domino that someone flicked over and started the landslide of emotions that have landed me with this anger and resentment towards a lot of things.

Oh and yes, Jessie. This post does remind me of the song you posted up on YOUR blog so long ago which is called 'dominoes'.

Well.. Today is Kev's (and Dudu's) birthday. Happy birthday Kev!!! You're 25 (GASP!)!!! I cooked Kev an omelette (mushroom and onions) and it was pretty good. A success!! WHEE!! I love cooking omelettes!!! They are awesome! I'll talk more about these things soon.. someday. I know I haven't blogged much. Blame the games and stupid books.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEV! Hope that you will continue to grow and learn. Hope that you are always safe.