It's Not Supposed To Hurt.

I stopped playing volleyball. 


There are basically two reasons why. First and foremost, I couldn't handle how tired I got after training. I wouldn't be able to study. It made me sleep in class, and encouraged my mood swings. And studies are my priority. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle my studies well if I took on volleyball. So yea. It wasn't that hard of a decision because there were other reasons that made me WANT to quit. I went back training after the second school exam (I think?). And I was focused when I played. I kinda sucked after not having proper training for a year. So yea, I had lots to improve. I was dedicated, and I'm not even lying. I was dedicated, I wanted to do my best for the team, and I even skipped some tuition for training (so foolish -.-). Then one day I had this headache and it was the kind I always got before a fever. So I knew it was coming. The next day, a Friday, was pretty bad. Had a headache and was feeling really under the weather. I saw Lee Dao Ming and I told him that I wouldn't go for training because I felt sick. And so I went to tuition after school. I felt SO BAD at tuition. It was really horrible. It was quite cold as usual, but I was feeling it a lot worse than I normally felt it. And I went to the toilet and back into the cold room. And from there, maybe because of the change in temperature, it went downhill. My fingernails were purple and I was freezing. Like I was shivering and I seriously could not stand the cold. After enduring the cold, cold room, I went home. I got my fever then and it was worse than I ever had. I had cold shivers though my head felt hot. I couldn't even stand to have the fan on. It was horrible. So my mum made me sweat it out and the cold shivers went away after that, but not the fever. I still had headaches the next few days. So on Monday, even though I felt better, I chose to go to tuition. I'm sorry if I chose to go to a class that I felt was helpful and that I had already paid for, instead of going to training. 


Then after that, I don't know what day it was, Lee Dao Ming was at Denise's house (her mum knows Lee Dao Ming's wife or something) and Lee Dao Ming was telling him about volleyball and stuff. And he said that I was kinda kicked from the team. Because I didn't go to training TWICE? Yea, I did feel guilty when I chose tuition over training, but forgive me for being slightly selfish. He said to Denise that there's the QGDZ (全国独中) competition in August and said I could go for that. But seriously. He did not even tell me face to face. He's such a coward seriously. And such an undignified person. As a teacher, he couldn't even face me and tell me properly, not even giving me a chance to justify my choices. That's the worst thing, seriously. The fact that he didn't notify me, but told Denise, who doesn't even PLAY for the school team or is in any way involved in the team. It was such.. crap. That's what it was, it was crap. I knew he was unprofessional and not a great coach at all since I started playing, but I didn't think he would run that far away from his responsibilities. I was sooo turned off. Since then, all traces of respect I had for him vanished just like that. Sometimes I don't like people, but I still have respect for them. But then sometimes, I don't like a person AND have no respect for them. So just like that, I quit without any intention of going back. Sure, I miss the game, but I don't have any regrets at all. 


I pity the players, I've heard from LeePei how ungracefully Lee Dao Ming treats them, and I've seen it for myself. He doesn't try to encourage the players and keep their spirits up, always saying negative things. The structure of his training never changes, and he isn't able to bring out the players' full potential because of that. The only thing I regret is that I can't be there for Pei and Jessie, especially Pei though. She tries so hard, and I just want to support her. She is constantly bugged down by Lee Dao Ming's words, and I pray that she will stay strong. 


Anyway. As I watched them play a friendly match against Taiwan, with me wearing my school uniform and not a jersey, sitting at the sidelines as a supporter, I thought that I will feel regret for quitting. It was quite surprising that I didn't. All I wanted was to show my support to my friends that I care about, and also to enjoy a wonderful match. That was good. 


So anyway. QGDZ is a nationwide competition for the Chinese Independent Schools. It's a huge competition because it includes volleyball, basketball, badminton and ping pong. This year, my school is hosting it. There are so many schools taking part and there'll be so many students coming. The opening ceremony is on Friday, and tonight as I drove past school to tuition, I saw the basketball courts occupied by players from a different school, and there were students wearing jerseys walking to the shops nearby, and a team and their teacher walking back to school with shopping. I've always been the kind of girl who loves activities like these and love ball games. I felt so, so, so excited. I can't wait for it to start and to watch basketball and volleyball matches. The guys ones especially. I am looking forward to the tall, manly guys I'll be able to admire from the sidelines, I am looking forward to the excitement and the cheers from all the supporters, I am looking forward to the pride I will feel as I watch my friends play well, I am looking forward to a great week of competitions. 


So naturally, the atmosphere at school was so exciting even though I was just driving past. I could see that it felt like what it felt like during camps in school, when it's nighttime and it's dark and everyone's voices are muffled and the breeze is cool. There were tall, manly guys playing basketball. It's just oh so exciting. 


So as I was sitting here, surfing the internet, I was thinking about that excitement and atmosphere, and one thought led to another. I was thinking about volleyball and how I hope they will play well, cuz Pei's been saying that she felt that the whole team has really started to improve and bond with each other (no thanks to Lee Dao Ming!). And suddenly, out of the blue, I imagined myself as a teammate with them, chasing the ball and falling to get the ball. And it hurt. It hurt. It shouldn't hurt. I know it wouldn't happen, I know it's impossible. I will be at the sidelines, supporting my dear friends. I wouldn't be in the court with them. So why should it hurt? Well, it does. It did. Why? Because I miss it? I don't know. It just hurt... 


The feeling has passed anyway. But I just wanted to blog about it, because that wistful feeling of 'I should be there' hasn't hit me in a long time. Which is good I suppose. 


Anyway. I'm looking forward to the start of QGDZ. Hope there will be lots of hot, tall, manly guys from other schools. Hope my beloved friends will play their best. Dare to hope the girls will be victorious? Yes.


...It's not supposed to hurt.