There's something that makes me sick. Really, truly sick. I'm so utterly disgusted at myself, at us. How could we live like this? Every single day? But it's also my fault. I am part of the cause, the problem. Because this is too personal, I'm not going to blog much about it, about the whole thing. I'm going to do it in my private diary. But what I can do, is talk about Me, Myself and I (Beyonce? Or is it Destiny's Child?).
I feel that I am sort of.. plagued with taciturnity. BUT, like everything else in my mind, there're many other sides to this. I don't think that I'm untalkative, in fact, I think I am too talkative. Like in my blogs, in my emails and conversations, I can go on and on and on until my teeth fall out (thank goodness for my braces then) (gosh. how lame). But then when I'm tired, or, actually I don't know when. Maybe when I'm tired? Or is it also when I'm in a bad mood? Or maybe it's only with certain people? Or is it only when I'm not with my friends? During those times, those which I can't seem to point out exactly, I become silent. Like.. really. I don't talk almost at all. How are you? Fine. How was the activity? Okay. You had dinner? Yes.
Why is this? I don't understand. But I would also like to mention that though I am quiet/silent/taciturn/maybe even cold at times, I feel that I am full of silent passion, full of compassion and 'love'. It makes me sad, because even though I feel that way, I feel that it goes unnoticed and worse, unappreciated EVERY. TIME. When I cook or clean, when I prepare lunches, I do it properly and I put a lot of thought into it. It sounds really corny, but that's the way my mind pictures it. I put my heart into it. Especially when I'm doing food. I am filled with satisfaction and... like a glow. I picture whoever it is directed to, opening the container/fridge, and feel surprised and happy. That's how I feel when I open my lunch container. I always look forward to it. Excuse the corniness, but really, I'm so tired of feeling this compassion every time I'm in the kitchen.
I know I become talkative when I'm in a good mood and I just did/went to/went through something that was interesting. At those times I talk and talk and talk about it and then, often I find myself talking to myself. When that happens, I shut up and immediately pack up and leave. I pack up the conversation, the road I was taking the conversation through, and I just stop. The visual road I was going down on suddenly becomes.. nothing, it just disappears. Then I go on the laptop or book or TV. I don't feel hurt. Not really. I could say I'm used to it. Sadly? Maybe just a little bit, but really? I guess not really. (look at how my thoughts go in circles!). It's always been this way. What could I do but get used to it? It's life. Reality. Everyone has different lives. This is mine.
So yes, my taciturnity is a big problem, a problem which probably exists only in my world. I hit myself in the head and curse myself when I do that (not talk), and it makes me feel guilty. I know that sometimes I do that because the person I'm talking to is.. well.. not the kind of person I would like to volunteer information with. People who are judgmental, I don't talk to. I hate how they calculate what you say, how they judge you and look down at you. So belittling. I live with these kind of people. It's like a general characteristic of humans.
And it makes me sick. Seriously. When I think about it, I'm so disgusted at the way my life is, at the way I live it. Sometimes I wish that life was a masquerade, where we could all just wear masks and so, that way, I could talk to anyone without feeling that taciturnity overwhelming me (except for when I'm tired), and just talk to them. That way, I won't see that calculating look they have when they are judging me. That way, I will be able to successfully communicate, communicate with people that I'm supposed to be communicating with. It may seem so, it may seem that we are communicating. But I don't think so. I think communication is exchanging of extra information, not just the usual questions like 'how was school'. More so, I feel it's getting worse and worse. We're just all so consumed by the newest Korean drama, the newest Nigahiga video, the latest gossip.
It makes me sick, so sick I throw up in my mind, so sick my heart aches.
No comments:
Post a Comment