Heart Of Compassion. (Camp Momentum 2)

NOTE: This is the sequel of the previous post. If you haven't done so, please read previous post, My Faith, before reading this post. =) Seriously.


If you've been reading my blog, you'll know a bit about Michelle, the one I met in school here. She asked me to go to her youth group, Fungus (just a name for the youth group) on Friday nights. I only went once. And honestly, I only went in hopes to meet some good people, to make friends. Then she asked me to go to camp. And I was debating about that. It was $170 plus a t-shirt. But when I agreed, I also honestly did that also in hopes to meet more friends. And of course, deep in my heart, I was sort of hoping that this camp will be able to answer some of my questions. While I was packing for the camp the night before, I was not excited at all. Seriously. You know for camps, like for the Bike Camp, for all the camps I've had back home, I was always so excited. When I packed, I would be really excited and looking forward to it. But this time, I was just packing because I had to, I didn't have an ounce of excitement in me. 


As I mentioned before, this camp is a 4 days 3 nights camp. It's called Camp Momentum. They said it was called that because for these 4 days, we would all be building up momentum, more and more, in our love for God, in what we learnt, in our faith and such. I believe it is true. It was a right name for the camp. 


The first and only time (so far) I went to Fungus, I was surprised by the way they praised God. As in when they sang praise songs (they call these sessions Praise and Worship). They would all jump around, like really JUMP and clapped and raised their hands to the heavens. The thing that surprised me was their jumping. They would really jump and jump and turn in circles. I was like.. this is awkward for me. When I went to camp, it was then no surprise that they did the same. When I sang, I would only swing side to side and sometimes, I would jump but I didn't really do so. I only sort of lifted myself off the ground without my feet really leaving the ground. Call it tip-toeing. So yea. 


The first pastor we had was Pastor Guy. He's quite young and he's white. He talked about the part where Peter got out of the boat and walked on water when he saw Jesus walking on water. He talked about faith. I've always known that the answer to my questions would be that I just had to have faith in God. I knew that faith was you closing your eyes and giving your all to God, just believing in Him even though there is no really concrete proof that He indeed exists. But still, it didn't really answer my questions you know. Guy was saying that we had to always focus on Jesus, and not on the obstacles we are facing. Peter started sinking when he lost focus. So Guy said that we always have to focus on God and never let the obstacles get in our way and things like that. His sessions were pretty good. I knew that I had to focus on God and just let go of the doubts in my heart, but I couldn't. I couldn't let go of all those when it all those questions all had to do with God. How could I when all of them were still unanswered. So yea. 


During praise and worship it was all the same. I looked at the lyrics of the song they were singing (they put it on a slideshow) and I would be thinking that I don't believe in the lyrics. Like when it says that all we need is God, we give our life to God and stuff like that, I would be singing it but I never really meant anything that I sang, I didn't really believe all it said. I just swayed along with the beat and stuff. 


I also realized something. I realized, mostly through my dorm members which included Michelle, that the people there really believed in God as well as the devil. Everything that happened was truly the work of either God or the devil. Seriously. Sometimes I do think that the reason this or that happened was related to God and stuff, but not always. Not like that. They really believed that. They were talking about how the devil is always at work. There will be an example later.. 


Then the second day, we had an Asian pastor, Pastor Roland. His sessions weren't that good. He was mainly talking about the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and stories of him receiving all these gifts and being able to speak prophetic words. All the time he was talking about the prophecies, I never believed them. Like I was sceptical or maybe just indifferent about it, because deep down, I sort of didn't believe all of it. It could have been luck or something. I don't know. Then at night his session was a ministry. A ministry is when we all pray individually but as a whole (as in not in groups and stuff) and all the leaders will pray for us one by one (maybe not all..) and normal campers would go around as well (if they wanted to) and just pray for other campers and stuff like that. 


The first ministry we had on that second night, they asked those who wanted to receive the gifts of the Holy Spirit and want to be blessed by the Holy Spirit to go up front so they would be able to pray for you. You know, the whole speaking in tongues thing. I didn't go up. I stayed where I was and just prayed that my heart would be able to let go of all those doubts, but still doubting my prayer because I knew it would be impossible to do so when those questions were concerning God, concerning Christianity. So I stood where I was, sometimes praying and sometimes just looking around. 


I remembered that I was thinking that I've been through this before. In the Catholic church, all of us go to catechism classes (Sunday school) and when we reach a certain age we take Confirmation. Confirmation is when we receive the Holy Spirit, when we say Yes to God and stuff. During Baptism as a child, our parents said yes for us, in Confirmation, we say Yes. So yea. I also went to a Confirmation camp which was compulsory for those who were in the Confirmation classes. At that camp,we were doing something like that. We prayed and stuff, we had a ministry. And that ministry was for the Holy Spirit. So I was like yea.. this is going to be futile, just like before. The thing is that I didn't even aspire to want to speak in tongues and stuff. It is impractical, in my opinion. It's just words, just gibberish that spills out of your mouth when you try to speak in tongues. And I can't help thinking that I could just form those words in 'tongues' myself in my head and speak them out loud. They don't come from the soul. You know? The other thing was that they were doing the thing where everyone was crying and some got prayed for and they fall back (some leaders would catch them) and they lie on the floor. My heart was so hard. This was because I went to Pitza's youth once and they did the same thing (only it wasn't for the Holy Spirit). I cried during that session and you know why? Because of the effect of the music. The lights were low, the music was sad.. etc etc. That was a long time ago. So yea. My mum and sisters (Kat I think.. Don't know if Kel was there) gave me a hard time about that, saying it was stupid and that they were like brainwashing or something. I never went back. 


So yea. My heart was really hard and I was just thinking that I really disliked how they liked to 'set the mood' with the sad piano (keyboard, to be accurate) playing in the background and some leader singing softly in the background. I remembered I cried when the Pastor went up to one of my friends (definition of friends being someone I know) who I knew for a fact was a dancer. Then Roland was praying for her and said 'may your feet be nimble', something like that. I overheard that and I cried for Kim at that moment. There was no way Roland knew about her dancing. I found out later that Kim had a problem with her ankle or something. It rang so true. 


Then towards the end, Roland came up to me. I was immediately tense and was thinking like 'I'm not even standing in the front. Why are you here. What are you going to say' etc. (of course, by that time everyone throughout the hall was being prayed for). So I just closed my eyes, I couldn't have said like 'no thank you' or something. Then he started praying for me. He started 'This lady, I don't know what your name is or who you are' then he started the prayer. He said something and really, brace yourself. This was all so true. At least it was to me, it may not seem so to you because you don't know me as well as I know myself. So he said that I had to let go of my family problems. It could not bring me down. With all that's bee happening in this house here in Australia, it was true. I had a lot of fear in my heart from what I've been sensing with my ultra-sensitve self towards feelings and vibes. And he also said that my heart was really hardened. He prayed that God would heal my 'marred and seared heart', that I would be able to open my heart. Then he said the thing that completely changed me. It changed me so much. The me I was before, was just going downhill. Down and down and down and then what he said just pulled me back up, and I started to gain momentum. He said 'God shows me that you have a heart of compassion'. He said that I have such a compassionate heart, that one day I will be able to use that heart of mine to help the poor, help those in need. There was no way he could have known that. The only time I've described myself as compassionate was in this blog, and I constantly do so to myself. I know I am compassionate. Everything I do is driven by a thought, love. He said that I would be able to open myself up to that heart, to grow so that I will be able to carry out God's will, that God needed to help me soften my heart. Yes, you could have guessed that I was crying by that time, not sobbing, just tears sliding down one after the other, silently. Then after that he said something else that really scared me. Blew me out of the water, because I myself don't know that. Seriously. First of all, I want to say that it might not be true. I don't really believe what he said, but part of it rang true. I'm totally honestly serious when I say that I don't really believe what he said. Here goes, brace yourself! He said that I lacked a father's love, that it doesn't matter because God loves me with a father's love and more than that. I say it's not true because I don't believe it. But I say it's partly true because recently, I was thinking about my place in the family. Being the youngest and the stupidest, the shallowest. I was thinking about how insignificant I was and how hurt I've been in this house in Australia. It's true. Don't try to deny it. And Pastor Roland said that I need a hug and actually asked a girl called Sofia to give me a hug.


Heart of compassion. That's what he said. And it's really undeniably true. If I had one word to describe me, I would really choose 'compassionate'. But that is also the reason why I feel so unappreciated, because I have too much love for everyone and put too much love into everything I do. So yea. After crying and thinking about it. I felt released. I felt relieved. I felt light. I felt that al the weight on my shoulders were gone, that the dark clouds above me were gone, that my black, heavy aura was gone. It was undeniable, at that moment, that God was real and that God spoke through Pastor Roland. It seems so surreal to me that something so amazing like that happened. During Fungus, the time I went, Quentin, the leader of Fungus and one of the leaders at camp, was talking about all that could happen in camp, that they were all praying and invited us to pray along for camp, that it would be amazing and life-changing. They kept going on and on about how awesome camp would be. 'I know that camp would be just awesome, it would be amazing. And I know that it is also going to be life-changing'. Not only Quentin said that, a junior pastor Jon (a leader in the camp as well) also said that again and again. I initially thought how could a camp be life-changing? Yea it might be awesome in terms that it would be fun. But now I see. It was life-changing for me. All the doubts and questions, they all left me instantly. I knew that God was real, that God was true. 


That night, something happened in our dorm. They were six of us sharing a dorm. Kim, Michelle, Grace, Winnie, Harriet (the only white person) and me. Harriet always slept early. The first night, they (Kim, Michelle, Grace and Winnie) slept at like 4am or something. I slept at like 2 or so and woke up at 3 or something. I felt extremely exhausted and just wanted some sleep. Those who know me knows that I'm one of those that don't sleep during camps and sleepovers, but because they don't really know me, they probably think that I'm just the type that doesn't stay up late chatting. I wasn't really bothered about that because I wasn't really close with any of them. 


So anyway. That night, they were up as usual. Harriet was asleep and I was listening to their conversation lying down. I was quiet as well, because like I said, I wasn't close with them. So I was just listening. We had joined the beds together and so the six of us were sleeping on 5 beds. I was next to Harriet and Grace. Kim said that she really felt uneasy and she knew in her heart she needed to do something. So they decided to pray. They joined hands and prayed. I didn't join them because I'm sure they thought I was asleep and I was too tired to get up. They were talking about how it could be the devil messing with them. They said that because they had achieved so much already on the second day of camp, the devil would try to hinder them and things like that. Then they prayed together. Then suddenly right, in the dark, it was probably about.. 1 or 2am? Not sure. Suddenly Harriet sat up you know. Then she said something. I couldn't hear what she was saying properly, it was sort of jumbled. I remember Michelle said 'Sorry Harriet, we're just praying'. Then we realized that she was actually sleep talking and sleep-sitting-up? Yea. I, being the one next to her, was completely freaked out. I didn't think too much about it, I was just normal freaked out that she would like.. touch me or talk to me or something. It's those normal fear I get, like when Kat starts talking in her sleep as well. Freaky. 


So yea. Then they continued praying and they prayed for peaceful sleep and dreams, that the devil won't interfere with our sleep through dreams and stuff, to try and hinder us and bring us down. Then it happened again. She sat up! As soon as I heard the sleeping bags rustling, I knew it was happening again. My heart stopped and I was so scared. Then after a few 'Woah that was scary and really freaky' moments, I got up and told them I was so scared and that I want to sleep really closer  and hug Grace or something. Then they said that it might be the devil trying to bring fear into our hearts and stuff. Winnie, who came from a background which was involved in the occult, she said that what Harriet did was not normal. In my mind I was like.. 'what? Isn't it just normal sleep talking? Just that she was sitting up and stuff'. Part of me, till now, thinks that we were all over-reacting. But then part of me thinks that it was definitely a possibility, especially when she only started it when they were praying. So we were talking about it and they decided to go get a leader, Linda, whose dorm was just next door. 


We decided to just link our hands and pray together. We said that if it happened again, we should continue to pray and not stop. They also said that we should not be scared and just pray to God. So we linked hands and prayed. Linda opened the prayer and we all prayed ourselves at the same time. I just prayed for the fear to leave me, that if it was really the devil, I had nothing to be afraid of because I knew God was with me and so on. Then halfway through, I heard the sleeping bags rustling and was like Crap! Again! I remembered that I clutched Michelle and Linda's hands harder (they were sitting on each side of me). Then I reminded myself that there was nothing to fear and just kept praying harder. Harriet didn't sit up this time. It was still scary though. Then after a long prayer session, Linda went back to bed, completely exhausted. And we started to get ready for bed. I slept much closer to Grace than before, but whenever fear started creeping into my heart, I stopped it from taking hold and just prayed silently to God to give me courage. So yea. That was really scary for me. As in, not 'the devil came' scary, just 'witnessing sleep talking is seriously freaky' scary. It gave me an insight to how so many of them think, in terms of the devil and stuff. But it really exhausted all of us. We were all half dead the next day. Haha. 


The next day, the last day of sessions, we had Pastor Chris. He's white. Before sessions we always have praise and worship. I could really, really, true to my heart tell you that it was so different. I looked at the words on the screen and meant what I sang. Sure maybe I still have tiny doubts ebbing at my heart, but from what it was before, I. was. free. I sang and I jumped like never before. I really felt truly different. For sessions, let me tell you, Pastor Chris' teachings were really, really good. It was really good. It really increased the momentum in my heart. He thought us about standing in Christianity. 


Ephesians 6:10-17 "Finally, be strong in the Lord with his energy and strength. Put on the whole armour of God to be able to resist the cunning of the devil. Our battle is not against human forces but against the rulers and authorities and their dark powers that govern this world. We are struggling against the spirits and supernatural forces of evil. Therefore put on the whole armour of God , that in the evil day, you may resist and stand your ground, making use of all your weapons. Take truth as your belt, justice as your breastplate, and zeal as your shoes to propagate the Gospel of peace. Always hold in your hand the shield of faith to repel the flaming arrows of the devil. Finally use the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, that is, the Word of God." 


He said that we might think we know how to stand in faith, but then things may come that will challenge us and test our faith. He said that in those days, we have to stand strong, not letting it plant doubt in us. He said that in order for us to stand strong, we have to say no to the lies, the sin, and the compromise. In all the lies we hear, we have to always focus on God and no one else, let God lead us. We should not sin or let the sin take control of us. When we sin, we should know that God will always forgive us, no matter what. And the compromise, we cannot let that happen. When friends say 'come let's do this and that'. You cannot say 'what's going to happen if I stand a little bit to the left.. it's only once. I just want to try' or something like that. You cannot say yes to compromise. Standing strong in your faith with God in front of you is never easy. But if we truly know that God does love us, makes it that much easier to stand. It was a really good session. 


Pastor Chris' second session was about love. He said that Jesus died on the cross for us, so that all our sins are forgiven and that we who choose Christ shall not be condemned. He said that we can't let that be an excuse for us to continue sinning when we are conscious of it. But he said that if we do sin, if we confess and learn to forgive ourselves, we are always forgiven, and that we will not be condemned. He also said that if we come to terms with our sins, and that God has forgiven us (which we can be sure of), there is not shame in letting your past be known. He even admitted that when he was young, he was taken in by pornography. But he said 'I know that God knows all the details of our mistakes, even though we made promises and vows, He knows about all the failures in our life. And if we confess, God still says Yes to loving us, still forgives us. So we can talk about it freely because even if we keep it secret, God knows about it. He knows'. He said that now today, we talk about loving a book, loving music, loving Dota, loving our partner. But he said that God's love is unlike any other, it is so much more that we can't ever fully comprehend it: God's love is everlasting. Jeremiah 30:3 "...I have loved you with a love everlasting, so I have kept for you my mercy." 


Pastor Chris said that love is not a feeling, it is an act of your will. Think about that. He said that love is wanting what's best for someone else. That even if it's one sided love, even if that other person makes mistakes and has faults and stuff, you will still want what's best for them. He said that was the message he got when he was asking God what love is when he was sure he wanted to get married to Susan, his wife. Luke 10:27 "... It is written: You shall love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength and with all your mind. And you shall love your neighbour as yourself. Jesus replied, "What a good answer! Do this and you shall live." Pastor Chris said that loving your neighbour as yourself is hard. But he said that God gave us all the ability to do so, and that is why he put down that commandment. God would not command us something that we couldn't do. He also mentioned that what we need isn't someone that needs you, that lives for you (that would be like a dog, Pastor Chris said, someone who would do anything for you and listen to all you had to say), but someone who has many reasons to leave you but doesn't. 


The main point of his session was that God loves just the way we are. He said that God always knows of our mistakes, our failures, that He knows EVERY DETAIL of it, but no matter, He still loves us. But it doesn't mean that hHe wants us to stay the way we are. Pastor Chris kept emphasising that God loves us JUST THE WAY WE ARE, failures and all. And I believe that that is true. He does. We just have to be able to accept it. I think that is what is hard, accepting God's love with open arms. 


So yea. For the last praise and worship that night, I felt elated. Honestly. I sang and jumped and what's more, I meant the words I was singing. I felt so happy that I was free. 


From being unexcited about camp to being seriously, seriously sad that camp was to its last day already, I was changed. Even though I didn't really make any close friends, (I did meet lots of new people) I was still sad to be going because I was so utterly grateful of what camp brought to me and didn't want it to end. I seemed like forever since I was back living life normally even though it was only four days. I was going back to reality and we've all been praying that after camp, the momentum won't disappear and that we will continue to build it up and keep strong in our faith. When I think to the time Pastor Roland said 'Heart of compassion', it seems so surreal. The whole camp feels surreal! It's so unbelievable! I was so sad to go back to the reality. Doing homework, cooking and cleaning. It felt like an eternity since I've done those. But now as I'm typing, it feels like an eternity since I was at camp. There are a lot of other things I want to tell you guys about which isn't God related, like the food and games and stuff which were pretty good. The beach, the hills. Oh and the lifeguard and surfer thing. Sunrise, mosquitos.. The FOOD!


So yes. I know ALL THIS is hard to wrap around your head, to see in depth the problems I was facing and the break through I had. You might be sceptical about all of it, but guess what? I stand strong in my faith and I encourage you to believe what I say. I raise my hands to God and thank Him so much and praise Him. I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry, my siblings and mum and dad, that I didn't come to you all with all these problems. They were just so heavy and so hard to talk about. I'm really sorry. I know it might hurt you that I didn't. 


Oh and one more thing. On the first night at camp as my dorm members were chatting and I was quiet as I lied in my bed, Michelle mentioned her transfer from Blackburn High to my school. She only transferred this year. She said she just prayed to God and asked God to show her His will and indeed, she got accepted so, not knowing what was to be expected, she transferred, just having faith in God. I was thinking about that as I was silent. And I think that part of God's will was for her to meet me and introduce me to Fungus and Camp Momentum, ultimately re-introducing me to God. I thank her so much. I thank everyone at camp for all their work and all the leaders who made it what is was, and I thank the pastors, especially Pastor Roland. 


Heart of Compassion. That's so what I have people! Know it and dwell in it! Love you guys, love God!