Heart Of Compassion. (Camp Momentum 2)

NOTE: This is the sequel of the previous post. If you haven't done so, please read previous post, My Faith, before reading this post. =) Seriously.


If you've been reading my blog, you'll know a bit about Michelle, the one I met in school here. She asked me to go to her youth group, Fungus (just a name for the youth group) on Friday nights. I only went once. And honestly, I only went in hopes to meet some good people, to make friends. Then she asked me to go to camp. And I was debating about that. It was $170 plus a t-shirt. But when I agreed, I also honestly did that also in hopes to meet more friends. And of course, deep in my heart, I was sort of hoping that this camp will be able to answer some of my questions. While I was packing for the camp the night before, I was not excited at all. Seriously. You know for camps, like for the Bike Camp, for all the camps I've had back home, I was always so excited. When I packed, I would be really excited and looking forward to it. But this time, I was just packing because I had to, I didn't have an ounce of excitement in me. 


As I mentioned before, this camp is a 4 days 3 nights camp. It's called Camp Momentum. They said it was called that because for these 4 days, we would all be building up momentum, more and more, in our love for God, in what we learnt, in our faith and such. I believe it is true. It was a right name for the camp. 


The first and only time (so far) I went to Fungus, I was surprised by the way they praised God. As in when they sang praise songs (they call these sessions Praise and Worship). They would all jump around, like really JUMP and clapped and raised their hands to the heavens. The thing that surprised me was their jumping. They would really jump and jump and turn in circles. I was like.. this is awkward for me. When I went to camp, it was then no surprise that they did the same. When I sang, I would only swing side to side and sometimes, I would jump but I didn't really do so. I only sort of lifted myself off the ground without my feet really leaving the ground. Call it tip-toeing. So yea. 


The first pastor we had was Pastor Guy. He's quite young and he's white. He talked about the part where Peter got out of the boat and walked on water when he saw Jesus walking on water. He talked about faith. I've always known that the answer to my questions would be that I just had to have faith in God. I knew that faith was you closing your eyes and giving your all to God, just believing in Him even though there is no really concrete proof that He indeed exists. But still, it didn't really answer my questions you know. Guy was saying that we had to always focus on Jesus, and not on the obstacles we are facing. Peter started sinking when he lost focus. So Guy said that we always have to focus on God and never let the obstacles get in our way and things like that. His sessions were pretty good. I knew that I had to focus on God and just let go of the doubts in my heart, but I couldn't. I couldn't let go of all those when it all those questions all had to do with God. How could I when all of them were still unanswered. So yea. 


During praise and worship it was all the same. I looked at the lyrics of the song they were singing (they put it on a slideshow) and I would be thinking that I don't believe in the lyrics. Like when it says that all we need is God, we give our life to God and stuff like that, I would be singing it but I never really meant anything that I sang, I didn't really believe all it said. I just swayed along with the beat and stuff. 


I also realized something. I realized, mostly through my dorm members which included Michelle, that the people there really believed in God as well as the devil. Everything that happened was truly the work of either God or the devil. Seriously. Sometimes I do think that the reason this or that happened was related to God and stuff, but not always. Not like that. They really believed that. They were talking about how the devil is always at work. There will be an example later.. 


Then the second day, we had an Asian pastor, Pastor Roland. His sessions weren't that good. He was mainly talking about the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and stories of him receiving all these gifts and being able to speak prophetic words. All the time he was talking about the prophecies, I never believed them. Like I was sceptical or maybe just indifferent about it, because deep down, I sort of didn't believe all of it. It could have been luck or something. I don't know. Then at night his session was a ministry. A ministry is when we all pray individually but as a whole (as in not in groups and stuff) and all the leaders will pray for us one by one (maybe not all..) and normal campers would go around as well (if they wanted to) and just pray for other campers and stuff like that. 


The first ministry we had on that second night, they asked those who wanted to receive the gifts of the Holy Spirit and want to be blessed by the Holy Spirit to go up front so they would be able to pray for you. You know, the whole speaking in tongues thing. I didn't go up. I stayed where I was and just prayed that my heart would be able to let go of all those doubts, but still doubting my prayer because I knew it would be impossible to do so when those questions were concerning God, concerning Christianity. So I stood where I was, sometimes praying and sometimes just looking around. 


I remembered that I was thinking that I've been through this before. In the Catholic church, all of us go to catechism classes (Sunday school) and when we reach a certain age we take Confirmation. Confirmation is when we receive the Holy Spirit, when we say Yes to God and stuff. During Baptism as a child, our parents said yes for us, in Confirmation, we say Yes. So yea. I also went to a Confirmation camp which was compulsory for those who were in the Confirmation classes. At that camp,we were doing something like that. We prayed and stuff, we had a ministry. And that ministry was for the Holy Spirit. So I was like yea.. this is going to be futile, just like before. The thing is that I didn't even aspire to want to speak in tongues and stuff. It is impractical, in my opinion. It's just words, just gibberish that spills out of your mouth when you try to speak in tongues. And I can't help thinking that I could just form those words in 'tongues' myself in my head and speak them out loud. They don't come from the soul. You know? The other thing was that they were doing the thing where everyone was crying and some got prayed for and they fall back (some leaders would catch them) and they lie on the floor. My heart was so hard. This was because I went to Pitza's youth once and they did the same thing (only it wasn't for the Holy Spirit). I cried during that session and you know why? Because of the effect of the music. The lights were low, the music was sad.. etc etc. That was a long time ago. So yea. My mum and sisters (Kat I think.. Don't know if Kel was there) gave me a hard time about that, saying it was stupid and that they were like brainwashing or something. I never went back. 


So yea. My heart was really hard and I was just thinking that I really disliked how they liked to 'set the mood' with the sad piano (keyboard, to be accurate) playing in the background and some leader singing softly in the background. I remembered I cried when the Pastor went up to one of my friends (definition of friends being someone I know) who I knew for a fact was a dancer. Then Roland was praying for her and said 'may your feet be nimble', something like that. I overheard that and I cried for Kim at that moment. There was no way Roland knew about her dancing. I found out later that Kim had a problem with her ankle or something. It rang so true. 


Then towards the end, Roland came up to me. I was immediately tense and was thinking like 'I'm not even standing in the front. Why are you here. What are you going to say' etc. (of course, by that time everyone throughout the hall was being prayed for). So I just closed my eyes, I couldn't have said like 'no thank you' or something. Then he started praying for me. He started 'This lady, I don't know what your name is or who you are' then he started the prayer. He said something and really, brace yourself. This was all so true. At least it was to me, it may not seem so to you because you don't know me as well as I know myself. So he said that I had to let go of my family problems. It could not bring me down. With all that's bee happening in this house here in Australia, it was true. I had a lot of fear in my heart from what I've been sensing with my ultra-sensitve self towards feelings and vibes. And he also said that my heart was really hardened. He prayed that God would heal my 'marred and seared heart', that I would be able to open my heart. Then he said the thing that completely changed me. It changed me so much. The me I was before, was just going downhill. Down and down and down and then what he said just pulled me back up, and I started to gain momentum. He said 'God shows me that you have a heart of compassion'. He said that I have such a compassionate heart, that one day I will be able to use that heart of mine to help the poor, help those in need. There was no way he could have known that. The only time I've described myself as compassionate was in this blog, and I constantly do so to myself. I know I am compassionate. Everything I do is driven by a thought, love. He said that I would be able to open myself up to that heart, to grow so that I will be able to carry out God's will, that God needed to help me soften my heart. Yes, you could have guessed that I was crying by that time, not sobbing, just tears sliding down one after the other, silently. Then after that he said something else that really scared me. Blew me out of the water, because I myself don't know that. Seriously. First of all, I want to say that it might not be true. I don't really believe what he said, but part of it rang true. I'm totally honestly serious when I say that I don't really believe what he said. Here goes, brace yourself! He said that I lacked a father's love, that it doesn't matter because God loves me with a father's love and more than that. I say it's not true because I don't believe it. But I say it's partly true because recently, I was thinking about my place in the family. Being the youngest and the stupidest, the shallowest. I was thinking about how insignificant I was and how hurt I've been in this house in Australia. It's true. Don't try to deny it. And Pastor Roland said that I need a hug and actually asked a girl called Sofia to give me a hug.


Heart of compassion. That's what he said. And it's really undeniably true. If I had one word to describe me, I would really choose 'compassionate'. But that is also the reason why I feel so unappreciated, because I have too much love for everyone and put too much love into everything I do. So yea. After crying and thinking about it. I felt released. I felt relieved. I felt light. I felt that al the weight on my shoulders were gone, that the dark clouds above me were gone, that my black, heavy aura was gone. It was undeniable, at that moment, that God was real and that God spoke through Pastor Roland. It seems so surreal to me that something so amazing like that happened. During Fungus, the time I went, Quentin, the leader of Fungus and one of the leaders at camp, was talking about all that could happen in camp, that they were all praying and invited us to pray along for camp, that it would be amazing and life-changing. They kept going on and on about how awesome camp would be. 'I know that camp would be just awesome, it would be amazing. And I know that it is also going to be life-changing'. Not only Quentin said that, a junior pastor Jon (a leader in the camp as well) also said that again and again. I initially thought how could a camp be life-changing? Yea it might be awesome in terms that it would be fun. But now I see. It was life-changing for me. All the doubts and questions, they all left me instantly. I knew that God was real, that God was true. 


That night, something happened in our dorm. They were six of us sharing a dorm. Kim, Michelle, Grace, Winnie, Harriet (the only white person) and me. Harriet always slept early. The first night, they (Kim, Michelle, Grace and Winnie) slept at like 4am or something. I slept at like 2 or so and woke up at 3 or something. I felt extremely exhausted and just wanted some sleep. Those who know me knows that I'm one of those that don't sleep during camps and sleepovers, but because they don't really know me, they probably think that I'm just the type that doesn't stay up late chatting. I wasn't really bothered about that because I wasn't really close with any of them. 


So anyway. That night, they were up as usual. Harriet was asleep and I was listening to their conversation lying down. I was quiet as well, because like I said, I wasn't close with them. So I was just listening. We had joined the beds together and so the six of us were sleeping on 5 beds. I was next to Harriet and Grace. Kim said that she really felt uneasy and she knew in her heart she needed to do something. So they decided to pray. They joined hands and prayed. I didn't join them because I'm sure they thought I was asleep and I was too tired to get up. They were talking about how it could be the devil messing with them. They said that because they had achieved so much already on the second day of camp, the devil would try to hinder them and things like that. Then they prayed together. Then suddenly right, in the dark, it was probably about.. 1 or 2am? Not sure. Suddenly Harriet sat up you know. Then she said something. I couldn't hear what she was saying properly, it was sort of jumbled. I remember Michelle said 'Sorry Harriet, we're just praying'. Then we realized that she was actually sleep talking and sleep-sitting-up? Yea. I, being the one next to her, was completely freaked out. I didn't think too much about it, I was just normal freaked out that she would like.. touch me or talk to me or something. It's those normal fear I get, like when Kat starts talking in her sleep as well. Freaky. 


So yea. Then they continued praying and they prayed for peaceful sleep and dreams, that the devil won't interfere with our sleep through dreams and stuff, to try and hinder us and bring us down. Then it happened again. She sat up! As soon as I heard the sleeping bags rustling, I knew it was happening again. My heart stopped and I was so scared. Then after a few 'Woah that was scary and really freaky' moments, I got up and told them I was so scared and that I want to sleep really closer  and hug Grace or something. Then they said that it might be the devil trying to bring fear into our hearts and stuff. Winnie, who came from a background which was involved in the occult, she said that what Harriet did was not normal. In my mind I was like.. 'what? Isn't it just normal sleep talking? Just that she was sitting up and stuff'. Part of me, till now, thinks that we were all over-reacting. But then part of me thinks that it was definitely a possibility, especially when she only started it when they were praying. So we were talking about it and they decided to go get a leader, Linda, whose dorm was just next door. 


We decided to just link our hands and pray together. We said that if it happened again, we should continue to pray and not stop. They also said that we should not be scared and just pray to God. So we linked hands and prayed. Linda opened the prayer and we all prayed ourselves at the same time. I just prayed for the fear to leave me, that if it was really the devil, I had nothing to be afraid of because I knew God was with me and so on. Then halfway through, I heard the sleeping bags rustling and was like Crap! Again! I remembered that I clutched Michelle and Linda's hands harder (they were sitting on each side of me). Then I reminded myself that there was nothing to fear and just kept praying harder. Harriet didn't sit up this time. It was still scary though. Then after a long prayer session, Linda went back to bed, completely exhausted. And we started to get ready for bed. I slept much closer to Grace than before, but whenever fear started creeping into my heart, I stopped it from taking hold and just prayed silently to God to give me courage. So yea. That was really scary for me. As in, not 'the devil came' scary, just 'witnessing sleep talking is seriously freaky' scary. It gave me an insight to how so many of them think, in terms of the devil and stuff. But it really exhausted all of us. We were all half dead the next day. Haha. 


The next day, the last day of sessions, we had Pastor Chris. He's white. Before sessions we always have praise and worship. I could really, really, true to my heart tell you that it was so different. I looked at the words on the screen and meant what I sang. Sure maybe I still have tiny doubts ebbing at my heart, but from what it was before, I. was. free. I sang and I jumped like never before. I really felt truly different. For sessions, let me tell you, Pastor Chris' teachings were really, really good. It was really good. It really increased the momentum in my heart. He thought us about standing in Christianity. 


Ephesians 6:10-17 "Finally, be strong in the Lord with his energy and strength. Put on the whole armour of God to be able to resist the cunning of the devil. Our battle is not against human forces but against the rulers and authorities and their dark powers that govern this world. We are struggling against the spirits and supernatural forces of evil. Therefore put on the whole armour of God , that in the evil day, you may resist and stand your ground, making use of all your weapons. Take truth as your belt, justice as your breastplate, and zeal as your shoes to propagate the Gospel of peace. Always hold in your hand the shield of faith to repel the flaming arrows of the devil. Finally use the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, that is, the Word of God." 


He said that we might think we know how to stand in faith, but then things may come that will challenge us and test our faith. He said that in those days, we have to stand strong, not letting it plant doubt in us. He said that in order for us to stand strong, we have to say no to the lies, the sin, and the compromise. In all the lies we hear, we have to always focus on God and no one else, let God lead us. We should not sin or let the sin take control of us. When we sin, we should know that God will always forgive us, no matter what. And the compromise, we cannot let that happen. When friends say 'come let's do this and that'. You cannot say 'what's going to happen if I stand a little bit to the left.. it's only once. I just want to try' or something like that. You cannot say yes to compromise. Standing strong in your faith with God in front of you is never easy. But if we truly know that God does love us, makes it that much easier to stand. It was a really good session. 


Pastor Chris' second session was about love. He said that Jesus died on the cross for us, so that all our sins are forgiven and that we who choose Christ shall not be condemned. He said that we can't let that be an excuse for us to continue sinning when we are conscious of it. But he said that if we do sin, if we confess and learn to forgive ourselves, we are always forgiven, and that we will not be condemned. He also said that if we come to terms with our sins, and that God has forgiven us (which we can be sure of), there is not shame in letting your past be known. He even admitted that when he was young, he was taken in by pornography. But he said 'I know that God knows all the details of our mistakes, even though we made promises and vows, He knows about all the failures in our life. And if we confess, God still says Yes to loving us, still forgives us. So we can talk about it freely because even if we keep it secret, God knows about it. He knows'. He said that now today, we talk about loving a book, loving music, loving Dota, loving our partner. But he said that God's love is unlike any other, it is so much more that we can't ever fully comprehend it: God's love is everlasting. Jeremiah 30:3 "...I have loved you with a love everlasting, so I have kept for you my mercy." 


Pastor Chris said that love is not a feeling, it is an act of your will. Think about that. He said that love is wanting what's best for someone else. That even if it's one sided love, even if that other person makes mistakes and has faults and stuff, you will still want what's best for them. He said that was the message he got when he was asking God what love is when he was sure he wanted to get married to Susan, his wife. Luke 10:27 "... It is written: You shall love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength and with all your mind. And you shall love your neighbour as yourself. Jesus replied, "What a good answer! Do this and you shall live." Pastor Chris said that loving your neighbour as yourself is hard. But he said that God gave us all the ability to do so, and that is why he put down that commandment. God would not command us something that we couldn't do. He also mentioned that what we need isn't someone that needs you, that lives for you (that would be like a dog, Pastor Chris said, someone who would do anything for you and listen to all you had to say), but someone who has many reasons to leave you but doesn't. 


The main point of his session was that God loves just the way we are. He said that God always knows of our mistakes, our failures, that He knows EVERY DETAIL of it, but no matter, He still loves us. But it doesn't mean that hHe wants us to stay the way we are. Pastor Chris kept emphasising that God loves us JUST THE WAY WE ARE, failures and all. And I believe that that is true. He does. We just have to be able to accept it. I think that is what is hard, accepting God's love with open arms. 


So yea. For the last praise and worship that night, I felt elated. Honestly. I sang and jumped and what's more, I meant the words I was singing. I felt so happy that I was free. 


From being unexcited about camp to being seriously, seriously sad that camp was to its last day already, I was changed. Even though I didn't really make any close friends, (I did meet lots of new people) I was still sad to be going because I was so utterly grateful of what camp brought to me and didn't want it to end. I seemed like forever since I was back living life normally even though it was only four days. I was going back to reality and we've all been praying that after camp, the momentum won't disappear and that we will continue to build it up and keep strong in our faith. When I think to the time Pastor Roland said 'Heart of compassion', it seems so surreal. The whole camp feels surreal! It's so unbelievable! I was so sad to go back to the reality. Doing homework, cooking and cleaning. It felt like an eternity since I've done those. But now as I'm typing, it feels like an eternity since I was at camp. There are a lot of other things I want to tell you guys about which isn't God related, like the food and games and stuff which were pretty good. The beach, the hills. Oh and the lifeguard and surfer thing. Sunrise, mosquitos.. The FOOD!


So yes. I know ALL THIS is hard to wrap around your head, to see in depth the problems I was facing and the break through I had. You might be sceptical about all of it, but guess what? I stand strong in my faith and I encourage you to believe what I say. I raise my hands to God and thank Him so much and praise Him. I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry, my siblings and mum and dad, that I didn't come to you all with all these problems. They were just so heavy and so hard to talk about. I'm really sorry. I know it might hurt you that I didn't. 


Oh and one more thing. On the first night at camp as my dorm members were chatting and I was quiet as I lied in my bed, Michelle mentioned her transfer from Blackburn High to my school. She only transferred this year. She said she just prayed to God and asked God to show her His will and indeed, she got accepted so, not knowing what was to be expected, she transferred, just having faith in God. I was thinking about that as I was silent. And I think that part of God's will was for her to meet me and introduce me to Fungus and Camp Momentum, ultimately re-introducing me to God. I thank her so much. I thank everyone at camp for all their work and all the leaders who made it what is was, and I thank the pastors, especially Pastor Roland. 


Heart of Compassion. That's so what I have people! Know it and dwell in it! Love you guys, love God! 

My Faith. (Camp Momentum 1)

Hey guys. I'm back from camp. This camp is a Christian camp (not Catholic, more like a youth thing) and for the first time in my life, I am going to blog about my religion (more than just the superficial stuff) and it's going to be all corny I guess. Don't read if you're just going to judge, and you have already been warned of this post's content. But this camp, Camp Momentum, was unbelievable and so surreal. It was, after much thought, life-changing.

This camp started on the 6th of April on Tuesday and ended today, the 9th of April. Well.. I really don't know where to start. I think I'll just start with an anecdote (haha), but a serious one at that. This anecdote is something I was struggling with for a long time already, it's been like maybe half a year or a year, that I've been struggling internally. It's really brought me down and I've never told anyone about it before. Really. I just didn't have the courage to. I thought of emailing my mum or going to see the priest over here a few times to try and get some answers or advice, but I guess I just never did any of those. It would be so hard to tell my parents or even Kat about this, I guess because we hardly communicate. So yea. Hold on tight. This might shock you out of your seat. It's pretty serious, in my opinion. So wipe off that internal smile off your virtual face (you know how you smile inside but don't actual move your facial muscles?) and know that you've been warned. 


The thing is, I was battling with my faith, I was losing it. I was born in a Christian family, I'm Catholic. Ever since I was a conscious Christian (as in like.. I reached the age of maturity or whatever you call it), I pray every night before going to bed. But my family, we weren't those really holy type of Christians. We didn't pray before meals, we didn't do those family prayers or worships, we didn't read the bible. We did go to mass on Sundays, but if we missed it it wasn't end of the world. You get what I mean? 


So yea. Then like recently (the time when this all started), I started to test my faith, to test God. I was questioning so many things about Christianity, about God, I was doubting everything. I guess I always sort of had those doubts, but then something made me just put it into focus and I really, really questioned it all. I think that the reason this all started was because of my stupid over-analysing and over-thinking nature. The questions and doubts I had all had to do with Christianity challenging my practical nature, which is derived from my over-analysing and over-thinking. 


I was thinking things like: *braces self, deep breath* 
-Does God even exist? What if I'm praying with all my heart and it's just a foolish act, I'm just talking to myself, having false hope. No one is on the other side listening to my prayers. It could just be meaningless hopes and wishes I'm citing to myself.


-Why does God always talk about healing the sick, giving sight to the blind, giving hearing to the deaf; always only talks about praying for those forlorn (poverty, sick etc) and what about us who aren't any of those? I know it sounds selfish. I'm not being selfish. Think about it, in church, during those prayers, we always pray about those who are sick, blind, those who have turned away from Jesus with hardened hearts. Never, not once, do they pray about us normal people who face normal problems like school etc. It sounds foolish. But really. I've never seen it mentioned in the bible before (not that I read it). Praying for us who lead normal lives but face hard problems too. Maybe our problems aren't as dire as those others, but they are still problems which bring so many of us down. It's so hard to channel my thoughts into words that mean the same thing. I don't think this is selfish. Maybe it is. I don't know. But I know this is one of the stupid thoughts in my head. 


-Another one of my thoughts was that Christianity, my believing in God, was a source of great, great stress. This is probably the one that really, really brought me down. God is the marionette of all our lives, agree? His will is the one that gave us life, that made us who we are today. So, He is also the one who knows when we are going to leave this world. My greatest fear of all, is that one that I love will leave this world. At night before bed, the thing I would ALWAYS pray for before bed is that God will continue to have mercy on us, that He will continue to watch over us and keep everyone I love safe, healthy and happy. I always repeat that prayer again and again. I could say it twenty times before bed (not exaggerating), in hopes that God will really hear it, that He would really answer that prayer. I'm so, so, so utterly frightened of the unexpected the next day, that maybe, just MAYBE, someone I love would leave this world. So I always pray and pray and pray that that would not be the case. It scares me that one day, someone I love might just get in a car accident, would get cancer or something like that. It could just be one of us, you never ever know. So it gives me great stress. I get scared when I don't pray about it. I get scared when I pray about it. 


-Another is how God is, according to the bible. God is a jealous God, He is one that is proud as well. You know how when God worked through Moses to save his people in Egypt? He sent the ten plagues. And He made the Pharaoh stubborn and not release His people just so He could 'show the Pharaoh how powerful and great and real He is'. Or something like that. Why is He like that? Why why why? Why does He have to be that way? 


I don't know. There were really a lot of questions running through my mind. I was seriously so confused. It was really getting me down, it made me so miserable and.. sort of depressed, in a way. It was so serious, to the extent that when I was lying in bed at night, I would think about it. I would think and think and ask those questions again and again. I would pray to get some answers, that these doubts will go away. It was to the extent *brace yourselves. Seriously* that on some nights when they really got me down, I would be like I'm going to give up being a Christian. Is God even real? Is He even there? Why am I still a Christian? I'm just going to stop believing. Yes, it was that serious. I felt so horrible inside. I felt so, so sad, so depressed. I was desperate for answers. I aspired to keep believing in God, but that didn't make all the doubt go away. 


But then, seriously thank God, I never gave up. Even though those thoughts were deep in my heart, I still went to mass on Sundays. I still prayed every night before bed. Sometimes as I prayed, I would also be thinking those horrible things at the same time. Subconsciously maybe? 


Then things at home weren't that good (still isn't much better, though a different kind of horrible). It made things worse. Made me more pessimistic, more negative and more down. I sometimes felt that my aura was just really dark, like a dark cloud was perpetually above me, following me everywhere. It didn't really make me question God more, it didn't really make more doubts or questions pop into my head, but they did make me so down that I WOULD ponder on those doubts more often. 


So yea. That was alllllllllll that I've been going through. Sad, huh? Wrap your head around it guys, it must be a shocker for all of you. But don't worry too much. I'm seriously fine now. Maybe not 100%, but really. I feel so much lighter than before. I feel great. Read next post to find out how I came over this. It's so unbelievable, even to me. 

More Life!

On Sunday, we went to Easter Sunday mass. It wasn't that bad. I do miss the hymns back home though, they were much nicer. I guess because we've listened to it so many times before. Miss the band+choir in Stella Maris. They were good. We met Aunty Teresa there and family and then went for lunch together. Kel and I (or rather I) were planning to go to The Red Cup to eat. It's this quite recently opened western cafe place where they sell you egg on toast, muffins etc. etc. So we went there together with them. It was quite good. I had hot chocolate and had scrambled egg on multigrain toast. =D 


Then on Monday, I went to Claire's house at about 11.30am. Claire is this girl I met from church during the small Chinese New Year celebration held at the church. She comes from a family of 8!! Woah. She's the eldest in the family and has 3 brothers and 2 sisters. She's left handed!! Hahaha. So yea. In the morning I hung up the laundry Kel did. Which were all the bedsheets and stuff. It was tiring because they are so huge! Then we left the house at about 11+. 


This is so exciting! I navigated Kel via the directory she bought me! She bought me this compact directory of Melbourne she had as well. I really wanted it. So yea. =D It was fun! We got there without getting lost. Hua hua hua. 


So yea. I spent the whole day in Claire's house! We chatted and played 'Big Two', which is 'Cho Dai Di'. We only played like two games though. Then we went to look for a DVD to watch. WOAH she has sooooo many DVDs!!! And it's ALL original!!! =D =D We ended up watching Mulan. My choice. Hahaha. There were so many choices! I just chose one the kids could watch as well. Apparently White Chicks is one of those movies that EVERYONE has watched, and it's more than once (make it like 10 times or something). So we watched Mulan. 


In the middle of the movie, we had to eat lunch. Lunch was normal. We had those fish fingers from the supermarket, rice, mixed vegetables, and a sort of omelette with beef in it. =D Then we went on to load the dishes in the dishwasher and also had dessert! Ice cream was for dessert. We had Bulla ice cream, not those tub one, those on the stick. There was a choice of yoghurt ice cream or normal chocolate coated ice cream. I had the choc coated one with vanilla inside. I haven't had those in AGES! It was good. I ate it with a bowl. Haha. Haven't done that in a looooonnnnggg time! Claire had choc coated one with orange inside. O.o Then we watched the movie. We finished the movie and we just talked and talked. We really just kept chatting you know. It was enjoyable. Then for dinner, Claire and I had to help because her parents had to go out to get some stuff and also to wash the car. So we just took out the food from the oven in designated times and also cooked the mixed vegetables. Those were from the packet as well. We chopped up an onion to cook with the vegetables. It was normal I guess. Then we just chatted while waiting for everyone to get back and ate dinner. =D 


Then after dinner, Kel came to fetch me. It was a good day. A good day indeed. =D 


Oh yea, on Sunday night (at least I think it was on Sunday night), I cooked. I chopped up ALL the vegetables I bought, and the carrot in the fridge. So that means I cut up two broccoli, a bunch of beans, and 4 or 5 carrots. It took a LONG time. Seriously. I also cut up the chicken I defrosted. It was DISGUSTING. Further loss on my innocence there. It was yuck. So yea I cut them all up and cut garlic as well. Then I started cooking. I cooked the beans first, because Kel said they take quite a long time to cook (oh and of course the garlic went in before!). Then the broccoli and carrots. I seasoned with only soya sauce and oyster sauce. It was all good. Oh wait. I think I put an egg in as well, but I don't remember. So yea. Guess how long all that took? About.. 2 and a half hours? Or 3 hours? After that I cooked the beef patty my mum made and froze in the freezer. I cooked two of them. I was pretty worried that they weren't cooked properly, that they might still be raw or something. But it was all good I guess. I meant it to be for lunch or dinner the next day, but Kel ate one of them that night. Oh well. =D So yea. Growing up? Inevitably.

Life.

Apparently I do have one. *GASPPPPP* Yes, I know it's surprising. (which is quite sad). 


I went to meet Sheila in the afternoon at about 3pm. So at 2pm, I walked, yes, WALKED, to the shopping centre. It's roughly about 30minutes away. It was a really long walk. I got there and I bought some vegetables. GOSH. I'M SO BLUR. Why do I always have to make a mistake? I bought some beans, and bought the 'good' ones which were $4.99/kg when the 'not-so-good' ones were sitting there at $3.99/kg. GOSH. I'm always doing this. So yea. I bought some beans, it only amounted up to $1.60 I guess, so it doesn't reallllyyy matter. But still, SIGH. Money wasted. I also bought broccoli. I actually wanted to get cauliflower, but it was so expensive! $5 for one! So I didn't get it. The bananas were cheap, $0.99/kg so I bought some. =D Make Kel some banana milkshake. =D 


So yea. After that I met Sheila and we went to David and Camy's Shanghainese something. She recommended the dumplings there. And yes! I think it was good. She ordered Chilli Oil Dumplings. 15 dumplings for $7.50, which I think is pretty good. =D So yea we chatted and chatted. Caught up on so many things!!! All the gossip from TTSS and the people from KK in Melb, etc. etc. etc. Seriously. We talked for like an hour and a half. I had a great time. =D I'm sort of sincerely happy that I went out with her. Finally I did something I'm rightfully supposed to do as a 17-year-old (GOSH) on holiday. Hopefully I will get to go out with her someday again. Oh and yes, dumplings are recommended. *thumbs up!* 


Thankfully, I didn't have to walk home. Kel was there too. So I met up with her. We browsed some shops and she bought me a Cinnamon Log from Baker's Delight. NOT NICE. It's this huge bun with raisins in it, and cinnamon and sugar sprinkled on it. Seriously.. It's SO SWEET! Crazy people! BUT, I will eat it. =D My legs are totally aching now! Sigh.. But good, good exercise. I need it. =D 


Tomorrow is Palm Sunday. So I'm going to bed. Oh today. I really did something I haven't done in a long time! I CHATTED! I really haven't spent a lot of time on the computer, and if I did, it was always to do some stupid stuff like watch videos, read manga, or check FB. But this time I was on Facebook and started chatting with Tassha. It was nice!!! I really, really had fun chatting with her. I haven't had a nice conversation online like that for so long! And then I chatted with Gee too!!! Nice nice nice nice. Makes me really happy! =D 


So yea. As long as I avoid thinking about the work that I was supposed to do today ie. my homework and the cooking, I shall go on to bed with dopamine in my veins. Goodnight content world. =D 

REMINDER!!!!

I know I have so many things to post about. So here is a list: 


Earth Hour 2009. 
Tarzan. 
Roller Coaster Tycoon. 
Frogger. 
Dane Ar (Ko Ko Krunch). 
Today (dumplings and freedom online).  

Still Alive!

I'm still alive! I look back on today and it seems like it's been a long time since I blogged. *GASP*. I know, I know. I posted like so many posts in one go and yet it feels like a long time? That must mean something is wrong with me! But then again, it's probably true. 


So yea, I made it through Good Friday mass. I was seriously so tired. My eyes hurt and they were more Asian then ever, they were CLOSED (well.. exaggerating of course). But I sat through mass and surprisingly, it wasn't THAT hard to do so. But when I came back I totally crashed. 


BUT, somehow, as soon as I was horizontal, my mind went faster than ever and I actually found it hard to find sleep. It was so weird because I felt so tired. Honestly, I don't even feel that tired after sleeping at 4am and waking up at 6.30am for exams. So yea. Guess what I kept thinking about when I was trying to sleep? The L.A.U.N.D.R.Y. Call me stressed. The sky had ominous clouds in it and it looked like it was going to rain. The forecast was 'possible showers' but I checked the website and it said it won't rain. One of the bedroom windows is right above where I sleep, a little bit to the left. So when I'm lying on my bed, if I look upwards, I can see out from the window. So I kept seeing the dark clouds and I was really worried. I spent so much time on that laundry I COULD NOT LET IT GET THE RAIN. Oh ya, YES, it still wasn't dry, thanks to my foolishness. So yea. I remember that I finally started drifting off to sleep, and then there was a sharp gust of wind and SNAP my eyes flew open and I once again started to worry about the laundry. GOSHHHHHHHH. So yea. Tired as I was (REALLY TIRED), I only slept for two hours. Usually if I were that tired, I would have slept for four, which is quite normal for me. But two? TWO?! Means my mind was waking me up even though I did not set it to. I would have been totally fine if I slept till morning. 


Dinner. I'm so utterly grateful Kevin offered to cook. SERIOUSLY. I was so tired, I wouldn't have cared if I served him cereals or something. I was actually just planning to serve the leftover stew (YES, we still have it) with rice. Because I didn't go get any vegetables yesterday. I'm going tomorrow though. Going to get cauliflower. So yea. He cooked his 'emergency food'. I actually thought it was pretty yum. Totally my type of food. He cooked rice with canned whole peeled tomatoes and canned tuna. He just chucked everything in the rice cooker and voila, dinner is served. I'm so totally totally utterly appreciative of what he did. He even did the dishes. HAH. But guess what? He left the leftovers in the rice cooker. Sigh. Guess I'll go do it later. Oh and I also forgot to mention yesterday, I noticed Kel did the dishes. YAY!!! And she also took in the shirts that were dry. YAY!!! 


So anyway. Sometimes I leave the blinds of my bedroom window half open so the air can come in. And there was one night, I noticed how bright it was. There was light shining in from outside. I took a look out and it was the MOON. You know in books and movies, how they always say the moon is so bright, it illuminates the dark night etc etc. I've never believed that you know. I never experienced the moonlight illuminating everything. Like, the moon is shining, but does it actually provide light for you to see by? I've never agreed with that. I mean. Yes, I know it does provide a certain amount of light, but I've never agreed with those phrases, or maybe I should say that I've never thought those phrases were true or that I understood what they were saying. But then that night, I finally understood what it meant! Seriously. I've never seen the light shine so bright through my window before. It was awesome. So yea, just wanted you guys to know this totally random fact. 


Tomorrow, I'm going to get the vegetables. And I'm also going out with Sheila. I'm kind of nervous. Haven't seen her in AGES. Seriously. Like.. 3 years or so? Anyway, so yea, I'm a bit nervous, excited, sceptical on whether it's going to be good, but looking forward to it? Maybe because I finally can say I'm going out? Oh well.. We're going to grab something to eat. Asian food. Haha. So yes, looking forward to it. And thanks Gee, for asking me to ask her. I wouldn't have gone ahead with it if you hadn't. I'm glad I did. 


So yes, until tomorrow! Lewis Carroll is a seriously weird man.

Oh.

The proper Good Friday mass is at 3pm later. An hour from now. I want to sleep. But I'm going to grab a shower first. So khasta. The bad thing about doing the Stations is that now I don't really want to go to the mass. Tired.

Good Friday.

Today I was supposed to go to the church at 7am. Supposed to. Which meant that I was late. I woke up at 6, but then slept back. Cursing myself. THANK GOODNESS the thing wasn't supposed to start until 10am. So yea I woke up at 7am and hurriedly got ready. And because I couldn't bother myself to wake Kel or Kev up, I opted to ride my bicycle there. Lo and Behold (Sigh.. Need I say more?), the tyres were a bit flat. I didn't really want to waste time pumping air in it, so I just walked. Yay for me. It's before the library, so it wasn't THAT bad, but it was indeed tiring to be walking so far when it's cold, with my still-not-awake muscles. But it was all good I guess. The Stations of The Cross, which is what this thing is called, went by really smoothly, I thought. There were some major problems with the music before, but it was really good today. The songs might have been slower than usual, but it was all good. =D I walked home too. I was sort of proud of myself, I didn't fall the times I went up to the podium, I didn't stop half way or things like that. I did stumble one word and I almost smiled. And I'm not supposed to. Because.. well.. it's Good Friday. So yea. All was good I guess. I think that I'm happy to have been a part of it. But I was really glad to be done with it. The rehearsals were really bad. They were all soooooo long and repetitive. Oh well. No pain no gain huh. 


Kel and Kev both didn't come to see me. How do I feel about it? Well.. I sort of expected it. Really. When I knew for certain Kel wasn't coming (Kev was almost a known fact. He didn't even know when was it), I might have felt the tiniest disappointment, or that feeling of sickness as mentioned in Sick To The Core because of the disregard our family has. But then truthfully? It was definitely expected. I didn't expect them to come. I might have hoped. But then I didn't expect them to actually come, sort of knew they wouldn't. False hope. It's been this way since a long time ago. The cons of having a driver is that they drive you to those stupid school singing competitions events things (?), they drive you to your primary school graduation. For my primary school graduation, I remembered feeling a tiny sense of loss because no one came. I think dad and Kat came, but it was like towards the end. I don't really remember. But the memory of me remembering that no one came is still in me, I don't know why, it's just one of those memories that get stuck in your head for no reason. For the other singing stuff, in TTSS and stuff like those events, I was absolutely fine with no one coming. So yes. That's why I don't allow myself to feel sad for it. What's the use. It's reality. It's just the way it is. 


So truthfully? I'm absolutely fine with it.

Reminder.

This is just a reminder. A time line of some sort that marks my losing innocence.


15th March. I baked chocolate chip muffins. Premixed batter! They are the same ones as the one now. But this second batch are not as good. Why? Eheheeee. I didn't even mix the batter properly. Halfway through spooning it out into paper cupcake holders, I found a lump of unmixed mix that was still in powder form (unmixed mix? WHAT?!?!). So yeaaaa. But still. Heat for 25seconds and it's really good. With ice cream. Yum. This batter is really good. Seriously. I'm using the White Wings batter. (Thumbs up!) But note, it's a tiny bit too sweet. The chocolate chips in there are amazing though. I LOVE chocolate chips like those! It's soft and nice after heating it up and the texture is seriously YUM! 


17th March. I cooked cabbage. For the first time in my life. Cooking by myself, from scratch. Cutting it up, and garlic too, and frying it. I spent like.. half an hour of my life on that cabbage. It was a little overcooked, it turned a bit brown. It was okay though. Satisfaction. Mmmmm....


31st March. Cooked fried rice. Process is mentioned below, won't make you guys sit through it again. 


1st April. Cleaned the toilet for the first time. 


Note that all these are first times. Oh and I would also like to bring the focus onto my miserable life once again. Yesterday STEPHANIE texted me and she said she broke her leg. I think she meant sprain, just she didn't know what word to use. She said it wasn't that serious when I asked, and that she could still sort of walk. She said she was in the Health Office in school. Then she said 'Wow my dear Geek (my name), you believed me? April Fools!'. It struck me that it indeed was April Fools Day. How fast time flies. I thought this was sad because I had no idea that it was April Fools Day. The fact that I had no friends to celebrate it with, that I wasn't with friends to the extent that I never once thought about it coming up, and that I was so ignorant. The first day of April also brought with it fear that time was still relentless in sweeping everyone off their feet. Next post is about today. 

Sick. To. The. Core.

There's something that makes me sick. Really, truly sick. I'm so utterly disgusted at myself, at us. How could we live like this? Every single day? But it's also my fault. I am part of the cause, the problem. Because this is too personal, I'm not going to blog much about it, about the whole thing. I'm going to do it in my private diary. But what I can do, is talk about Me, Myself and I (Beyonce? Or is it Destiny's Child?). 


I feel that I am sort of.. plagued with taciturnity. BUT, like everything else in my mind, there're many other sides to this. I don't think that I'm untalkative, in fact, I think I am too talkative. Like in my blogs, in my emails and conversations, I can go on and on and on until my teeth fall out (thank goodness for my braces then) (gosh. how lame). But then when I'm tired, or, actually I don't know when. Maybe when I'm tired? Or is it also when I'm in a bad mood? Or maybe it's only with certain people? Or is it only when I'm not with my friends? During those times, those which I can't seem to point out exactly, I become silent. Like.. really. I don't talk almost at all. How are you? Fine. How was the activity? Okay. You had dinner? Yes. 


Why is this? I don't understand. But I would also like to mention that though I am quiet/silent/taciturn/maybe even cold at times, I feel that I am full of silent passion, full of compassion and 'love'. It makes me sad, because even though I feel that way, I feel that it goes unnoticed and worse, unappreciated EVERY. TIME. When I cook or clean, when I prepare lunches, I do it properly and I put a lot of thought into it. It sounds really corny, but that's the way my mind pictures it. I put my heart into it. Especially when I'm doing food. I am filled with satisfaction and... like a glow. I picture whoever it is directed to, opening the container/fridge, and feel surprised and happy. That's how I feel when I open my lunch container. I always look forward to it. Excuse the corniness, but really, I'm so tired of feeling this compassion every time I'm in the kitchen. 


I know I become talkative when I'm in a good mood and I just did/went to/went through something that was interesting. At those times I talk and talk and talk about it and then, often I find myself talking to myself. When that happens, I shut up and immediately pack up and leave. I pack up the conversation, the road I was taking the conversation through, and I just stop. The visual road I was going down on suddenly becomes.. nothing, it just disappears. Then I go on the laptop or book or TV. I don't feel hurt. Not really. I could say I'm used to it. Sadly? Maybe just a little bit, but really? I guess not really. (look at how my thoughts go in circles!). It's always been this way. What could I do but get used to it? It's life. Reality. Everyone has different lives. This is mine. 


So yes, my taciturnity is a big problem, a problem which probably exists only in my world. I hit myself in the head and curse myself when I do that (not talk), and it makes me feel guilty. I know that sometimes I do that because the person I'm talking to is.. well.. not the kind of person I would like to volunteer information with. People who are judgmental, I don't talk to. I hate how they calculate what you say, how they judge you and look down at you. So belittling. I live with these kind of people. It's like a general characteristic of humans. 


And it makes me sick. Seriously. When I think about it, I'm so disgusted at the way my life is, at the way I live it. Sometimes I wish that life was a masquerade, where we could all just wear masks and so, that way, I could talk to anyone without feeling that taciturnity overwhelming me (except for when I'm tired), and just talk to them. That way, I won't see that calculating look they have when they are judging me. That way, I will be able to successfully communicate, communicate with people that I'm supposed to be communicating with. It may seem so, it may seem that we are communicating. But I don't think so. I think communication is exchanging of extra information, not just the usual questions like 'how was school'. More so, I feel it's getting worse and worse. We're just all so consumed by the newest Korean drama, the newest Nigahiga video, the latest gossip. 


It makes me sick, so sick I throw up in my mind, so sick my heart aches. 

Innocence.

Hey. So I actually really wanted to blog yesterday. But then I was just so busy. And all of a sudden, I had so much inspiration flood me that I thought of so many things I wanted to blog about and had TITLES for. So yea.. it was just my luck that I didn't have time. So this is only one of my posts from the other thousands (not really) that are still blundering around in my mind. 


So yesterday, I did loads of things... PRODUCTIVE things! I know. I've been saying that a lot, but I guess yesterday topped everything else. I got up at 8.30am, though I actually wanted to get up at 7.30am. Failed at that. Then I cleaned the bathroom and the toilet upstairs. Long overdue. And I'm constantly amazed at how much dust can collect over here. I guess that's only possible because my kakaks are not here. =( =( So yea. Even though it might seem like I'm used to doing all these chores, yesterday was my first time cleaning the toilet. It was not fun. I was disgusted. I'm just like any other girl (HAH) and don't like unpleasant things. The whole time I was cleaning the toilet and bathroom, I was wrinkling my nose and my mind was going 'Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck' the whole time. Gosh. Horrible experience. And I'm sorry to say that because of that, I think I used way too much cleaning fluids (in this case, White King!). I'm only a tiny bit worried that it might be corrosive because I applied it directly to the (insert word of choice) (toilet, bathtub, sink) and not mixing it with water in a bucket like the usual way. I also didn't wear gloves. After cleaning and cleaning, my hands did sting a little in contact with White King. But now, my hands are still as they were, smooth and normal (pffftttt) (at least I hope so). 


So after cleaning the bathtub, the shower, the sink, the mirror, and the toilet, I went downstairs. I then started the laundry. It's way overdue. I had four loads to do: white, dark, colours and towels. So while waiting for the laundry, I did the dishes that piled up because of my fried rice the day before. So when the laundry was done, I hung it up on the line, when it was washing, I did the dishes. On and on and on and by the time I was done, it was about 1pm. The laundry was all on the line, and the dishes were done and were drying in the dishwasher. Finally.. lunch time. Because I didn't want to dirty more dishes than I had to, I decided to eat cereal. Simple and nice. KoKo Krunch. And for my second bowl (it was lunch!) I wanted to have Coco Pops. But ho-hum (gosh who am I? Replace with 'figures'!), it was almost empty. There was enough left for half a bowl. It was annoying. To me. Because if you want to eat the Coco Pops, and you've eaten so much there's only enough left for half a bowl, THEN JUST FINISH IT. Gosh! It's so inconsiderate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess it's not really that big of a deal. But it did annoy me at the time. SIGH. 


So with my cereals, (yay) I sat down at my laptop and started on my Chem Project. Again. It took a really long time. I had to look up the internet for a lot of information and had to sort them alllllll out because they weren't all the same. IT. REALLY. TOOK. A. LONG. TIME. In between when I found my mind couldn't function, I looked up some YouTube videos to watch or I read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. I also watched Disney's adaptation of it, only Part 1 though. Cooly. Back to the Chem Project. I finished at 6pm! SIX PEE AM!!!!! By that time Kel had come back from Uni and she heated up fried rice for dinner. I was so, so tired. So khasta (The Kite-Runner). Seriously. I had a headache while I was doing the project. I suspect it was because I was so tired and was reading from the computer for a lengthy period. (Seriously. It took so much of me to force myself to get up. My eyelids were stuck together by sleep!). So as I pressed the 'Enter' button to shut down my laptop after FINALLY FINISHING THE CHEM PROJECT, I went to eat dinner. 


I ate fried rice, two bowls of it. I also fulfilled my idea of eating the muffins with ice cream. The muffins were so good. Heat it up for 25seconds and it's perfect! The chocolate chips are really, really good! Yummmm. So after eating all that, I went on my laptop and just replied an email and went on Facebook. Didn't spend long there though, I had to go to the church rehearsal thing. 


I've never really talked about the rehearsal thing, have I? For Good Friday, the youths of the church come together and set up something like a play. There're actors and dancers, musicians and readers, which is what I am. They briefly run through the Passion, the actors freezing in poses as we read. It was all quite good. But honestly, I don't think I'll go again next year. I mean, I would read again, but then if I were in the audience, I wouldn't want to go. It's not that it wasn't any good, it was actually pretty good. Everything went really smoothly. But it's just that it's almost the same every year, with small difference here and there. How many times can you watch the same thing again and again? So that's why I wouldn't want to go. (I guess you could say the same for mass, but, (unfortunately..?) mass is different). So yeaaaaaaaaa. The rehearsal was at 9pm, after Holy Thursday mass which I didn't go to because I was totally worn out. The rehearsal only ended at almost midnight because they had to set the stage up and everything. It was really boring, the rehearsal was really long. So yea. When I got back I went to bed. 


Isn't it amusing? Even though I was so exhausted, physically from waking up so early and from the chores and mentally from the Chem Project (killer!), I still found it hard to fall asleep. My mind kept on running and running, it was so fast. I had to constantly remind myself to shut up. And after making myself shut up for like the hundredth time, I sand a random song and fell asleep. 


I do blame myself though. Because I was too forgetful. On Tuesday, I thought about doing the laundry the next day. The weather said that there would be 'increasing sunshine'. But, as always, my stupid-self forgot. On Wednesday afternoon, I realized that I forgot and was like.. gah. Cursing myself. Now that summer is gone, we would have to be wiser and wash when there's good weather to dry it, and that opportunity doesn't come by every week. So yea. Yesterday I did the laundry. But then even though the weather said it would also be 'increasing sunshine', we started off the morning with fog. So yea.. it wasn't very sunny in the end. Thankfully it didn't rain though. But because of my foolishness, the laundry had to stay out overnight (Lucky no one wants our clothes) and this morning, it still wasn't dry. Some of them are in now, but some of them are still hanging out there. 


So. What does Innocence have to do with all this? Well.. I'm not sure whether I've mentioned it here before, (oh wait. I have. TOO BAD). I did say I was growing up right? In my mind growing up is the same as losing your innocence. I grew up when I cooked the eggplant for the first time (have yet to mention that). It was.. in my mind, kind of disgusting. I grew up when I baked muffins (using premixed batter!!). I grew up when I cooked fried rice. And I grew up yesterday when I cleaned the toilet. So yeaaaaa. I've grown up because I've lost my innocence. I put on Facebook, the shout out 'I lost my innocence, lost it to AUBERGINES!'. (apparently it's eggplants here, not aubergines. Hmm). So yes. I'm no longer innocent. Though I've never taken for granted or looked down on mums and kakaks who do chores, now, even more than before, I bow down to the greatness. It is so not easy. And I would like to say, even if it's to myself: Wow my geek, I am so moftakhir (The Kite Runner). So moftakhir of you.