Haha don't judge meee. I'm still here and it's 2am and I've probably read 2 sentences. I suddenly thought about the thoughts I had about my parents' love for each other (hahaha whuuut) and how I wanted to do a post about it. So I wanted to check if I had done that post before because I talk so much that I can't rmbr half the things I say (true story). So then I searched my blog for the word -LOVE- and omg, worst idea ever. Seriously man, I did not know that I LOVED so many things. HAHAHA. There's a LOVE in so many posts it's crazy. And in one post, there could be like 5 Loves. Seriously?!?!?!?!?! So yea I didn't finish going through the search results cuz there were too many. -.-
But in all seriousness, life's too short to not love as much as you're capable of. :D I can't wait to find that someone whom I can pour my abundance of love over. Totes not creepy that I'm talking about someone that's probably non existent haha. Then I think about The Back Up Plan and getting preggers without a partner just because I want to give my love to someone. Or like, getting dogs or cats and becoming an old fashioned spinster. HAHAHA. Ok. I swear I'm normal!!!!
Ok. Seriously. Cranial nerves, lets be friends!
Sun 02:15 24/3/13
Saturday, March 23, 2013
This Person.
Hello!!!! This is gonna be a random post about random things.
1. So. I have a test on Wednesday on Anatomy. And I haven't studied at all. :/ Yesterday I went to town to buy some groceries and bought an iPod-USB cable for 5 euros and thank God it works. And I also got photo frames for the photos I'm gonna give my flatmates. :D Then I did my laundry and cooked and stuff like that and that was my Friday. I cooked er.. noodles that were like kueh tiao but more like the Beaufort Noodle kon lao mian kinda mian, if you get what I mean. And thennn for dinner I pan fried a steak YUM YUM and boiled potatoes and vegies. :D
2. Today I went for volleyball and it wasn't that great. It was ok. I could've spent the time studying but I went to the game which was kind of a bleh because we didn't win, surprise surprise. But at least I got a spin back which means saving 1.80euro on bus fare WHEE. But kinda lame cuz I bought biscuits to break my 20euro note to get change for the bus, so that just means I'm gonna nom nom on the biscuits and get FAT.
3. I finallllyyyyy finished Have A Little Faith by Mitch Albom. Honestly, it's a... powerful book. Well, kinda hesitating on using the verb powerful because it could be nothing to some people. But it was really inspirational to me and thought provoking too. I remember I slept super late (like 4am) one night because I had read a few chapters of the book and was trying to think and apply it to my life but it was hard. Hahaha. But anywho. Now that I've finished it, I want to post about the parts that made me stop to think/go back and reread. There are LOADS of dog-ears in the book marking those parts, and this breaks my rule of loving my books and not bending the pages OR the spine of the book. :0 But there's this one part I would just like to note here which is towards the very end of the book. Erm. Here it is I guess. Oh, the church downtown is a Christian church near the author's house at the time and it's really rundown with a big hole in the roof where the rain can get in. And Henry is the pastor of that church, I Am My Brother's Keeper. And the Reb is the late Rabbi of the author's synagogue.
I thought about his dilapidated church downtown. And I realized that, in some
ways, we all have a hole in our roof, a gap through which tears fall and bad events blow
like harsh wind. We feel vulnerable; we worry about what storm will strike next.
But seeing Henry that day, being cheered by all those new faces, I believe, as the
Reb once told me, that, with a little faith, people can fix things, and they truly can change,
because at that moment, you could not believe otherwise.
And so, although it is cold as I write this, with snow packed atop the blue tarp on
the church roof, when the weather thaws—and it always thaws—we are going to fix that
hole. One day, I tell Henry. We will fix that hole. We will shake the generosity tree and
raise the funds and replace the roof. We will do it because it needs to be done. We will do it
because it's the right thing to do.
And we will do it because of a little girl from the congregation who was bornprematurely, weighing only a few pounds—the doctors said she probably wouldn‟t make
it—but her parents prayed and she pulled through and she is now a ball of energy with a
grin that could lure the cookies out of the jar. She is at the church almost every night. She
skips between the tables for the homeless and lets them rub her head playfully. She doesn't
have a lot of toys and she isn't scheduled for countless after-school activities, but she most
certainly has a community, a loving home—and a family.
Her father is a one-legged man named Cass, and her mother is a former addict
named Marlene. They were married in the I Am My Brother's Keeper church; Pastor Henry
Covington did the service.And a year later, along came their precious little girl, who now runs around as if in God's private playground.Her name, fittingly, is “Miracle.”
The human spirit is a thing to behold.
This kinda spoke to me. The part about all of us having holes. It's true lo. Everyone has that thing which brings them down once in a while and makes us cry and hurt. But... the human spirit is a thing to behold. We need to have faith that we can patch this hole up. We don't need to leave it there, an opening for the rain to come in. Haha, I think this really spoke to me because now, for the first time I feel like when I say that I'm standing on my own two feet, in the sense that I can say that it's fine if my close friends back home aren't always there for me because I knowwww that they love me and always have my back, I really do mean it! Before, I was honestly just trying my best and pretending I don't care. But now, I just KNOW that I can run to them when I'm broken. So, I have faith. I'm not scared. :)
4. Can't wait to start a new book!!!! :D
5. Just found out that My Chemical Romance has split up. O. M. GOSSSSHHH. And I just recently started to listen to their music again, the amazing Black Parade is Dead concert in Mexico!!!! SO SAD. They released a new album then POOF. The type of vanishing act that leaves everyone shocked and astounded. I would've loved to see them in concert. Haha btu I'm not worried. Cuz I'm really sure some time down the line, they'll have a reunion concert. (PLEASE DO!)
6. Oh. I don't know if I talked about this, but I was kinda emo when I was about to turn 20. OMG. I'm 20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SO OLDDDD. :'( Hahaha. Not really emo, more like, bogged down. Because I didn't know how I was supposed to act. I felt like I had to change something as I shed my teen self you know? I felt like I had to grow up a little and be less childish. Especially when I'm having a conversation with Andrea who's 22, and I would suddenly say something really silly that I think is really funny then I do that stupid high pitched giggle where, in my mind, I'm high-fiving myself.. then I'll be so stressed because that's not how a 20-year-old is supposed to act. I was talking to Jason about this today. But I think I kinda decided that I can't really change who I am. I'm probably always gonna like stupid jokes on 9gag and applaud dry humour like Sara Bareilles' Sweet As Whole song which actually made me laugh out loud, I'm probably always gonna like watching stuff like Okiku Furikabutte and cheer on Jeremy Lin, saying it's Asian Pride though I don't even watch NBA. I can suppress it and hide it, pretend to be mature. But then hey, life's too short to try and be someone you're not. So this is me, the one who likes weird clothes and bright colours and actually, LITERALLY laugh then clap clap clap my hands when there's a funny joke on New Girl (yes.. -.- I actually do that), and who thinks photos of people who are genuinely smiling with laughter in their eyes are always beautifullllll so I hardly take photos seriously, and who's always soooo cheeky/annoying and screenshots ridiculous photos of people I love when I'm skyping with them. I am this person and I probably always will be. HAHA NEXT!
7. WHEEEE. Got my class hoodies on Thursdayyyyy. :D :D I was SO EXCITED to get them. This is for our class, Dentistry 2017 cuz that's when we graduate (if all goes well). And our slogan at the back says Oral Specialist. HAHA. Due to the fact that it's a pretty heavy sexual innuendo, some chose not to get the slogan on the back. I almost didn't get it as well because I'm such a nice and innocent girl and I don't wanna walk around promoting er.. stuff like that. But then I'm such kid so I was like YOLO and I just got it. So yea, we had class photos as well on that day, but they're gonna have one after the test on Wed cuz some ppl would have been absent on Thursday. It was so fun taking photos oh. Felt like TTSS times when you just walk around with a camera and take photos. -Wistful face--- Those were great fun times. So yea. 'Twas fun!!! Oh and the First Year Pharmacy's hoodie's slogan is "kiss my aspirin" which I thought was pretty funny. hahaha.
So yeaaapppp. Here's the first photo I'm putting on this blog that is NOT from the internet.
Yes. The one with the awkward face and the awkward skirt is me. BAM. Does my face suit my blabbering thoughts? :P
Cheers peepz! It's time to study! I've procrastinated enough on this blog. Seriously man. I've spent hours here and NOW IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT AND I HAVEN'T STUDIED AAAAHHHH!!!!!
Okie bye.
Sun 00:19 24/3/13
1. So. I have a test on Wednesday on Anatomy. And I haven't studied at all. :/ Yesterday I went to town to buy some groceries and bought an iPod-USB cable for 5 euros and thank God it works. And I also got photo frames for the photos I'm gonna give my flatmates. :D Then I did my laundry and cooked and stuff like that and that was my Friday. I cooked er.. noodles that were like kueh tiao but more like the Beaufort Noodle kon lao mian kinda mian, if you get what I mean. And thennn for dinner I pan fried a steak YUM YUM and boiled potatoes and vegies. :D
2. Today I went for volleyball and it wasn't that great. It was ok. I could've spent the time studying but I went to the game which was kind of a bleh because we didn't win, surprise surprise. But at least I got a spin back which means saving 1.80euro on bus fare WHEE. But kinda lame cuz I bought biscuits to break my 20euro note to get change for the bus, so that just means I'm gonna nom nom on the biscuits and get FAT.
3. I finallllyyyyy finished Have A Little Faith by Mitch Albom. Honestly, it's a... powerful book. Well, kinda hesitating on using the verb powerful because it could be nothing to some people. But it was really inspirational to me and thought provoking too. I remember I slept super late (like 4am) one night because I had read a few chapters of the book and was trying to think and apply it to my life but it was hard. Hahaha. But anywho. Now that I've finished it, I want to post about the parts that made me stop to think/go back and reread. There are LOADS of dog-ears in the book marking those parts, and this breaks my rule of loving my books and not bending the pages OR the spine of the book. :0 But there's this one part I would just like to note here which is towards the very end of the book. Erm. Here it is I guess. Oh, the church downtown is a Christian church near the author's house at the time and it's really rundown with a big hole in the roof where the rain can get in. And Henry is the pastor of that church, I Am My Brother's Keeper. And the Reb is the late Rabbi of the author's synagogue.
I thought about his dilapidated church downtown. And I realized that, in some
ways, we all have a hole in our roof, a gap through which tears fall and bad events blow
like harsh wind. We feel vulnerable; we worry about what storm will strike next.
But seeing Henry that day, being cheered by all those new faces, I believe, as the
Reb once told me, that, with a little faith, people can fix things, and they truly can change,
because at that moment, you could not believe otherwise.
And so, although it is cold as I write this, with snow packed atop the blue tarp on
the church roof, when the weather thaws—and it always thaws—we are going to fix that
hole. One day, I tell Henry. We will fix that hole. We will shake the generosity tree and
raise the funds and replace the roof. We will do it because it needs to be done. We will do it
because it's the right thing to do.
it—but her parents prayed and she pulled through and she is now a ball of energy with a
grin that could lure the cookies out of the jar. She is at the church almost every night. She
skips between the tables for the homeless and lets them rub her head playfully. She doesn't
have a lot of toys and she isn't scheduled for countless after-school activities, but she most
certainly has a community, a loving home—and a family.
Her father is a one-legged man named Cass, and her mother is a former addict
named Marlene. They were married in the I Am My Brother's Keeper church; Pastor Henry
Covington did the service.And a year later, along came their precious little girl, who now runs around as if in God's private playground.Her name, fittingly, is “Miracle.”
The human spirit is a thing to behold.
This kinda spoke to me. The part about all of us having holes. It's true lo. Everyone has that thing which brings them down once in a while and makes us cry and hurt. But... the human spirit is a thing to behold. We need to have faith that we can patch this hole up. We don't need to leave it there, an opening for the rain to come in. Haha, I think this really spoke to me because now, for the first time I feel like when I say that I'm standing on my own two feet, in the sense that I can say that it's fine if my close friends back home aren't always there for me because I knowwww that they love me and always have my back, I really do mean it! Before, I was honestly just trying my best and pretending I don't care. But now, I just KNOW that I can run to them when I'm broken. So, I have faith. I'm not scared. :)
4. Can't wait to start a new book!!!! :D
5. Just found out that My Chemical Romance has split up. O. M. GOSSSSHHH. And I just recently started to listen to their music again, the amazing Black Parade is Dead concert in Mexico!!!! SO SAD. They released a new album then POOF. The type of vanishing act that leaves everyone shocked and astounded. I would've loved to see them in concert. Haha btu I'm not worried. Cuz I'm really sure some time down the line, they'll have a reunion concert. (PLEASE DO!)
6. Oh. I don't know if I talked about this, but I was kinda emo when I was about to turn 20. OMG. I'm 20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SO OLDDDD. :'( Hahaha. Not really emo, more like, bogged down. Because I didn't know how I was supposed to act. I felt like I had to change something as I shed my teen self you know? I felt like I had to grow up a little and be less childish. Especially when I'm having a conversation with Andrea who's 22, and I would suddenly say something really silly that I think is really funny then I do that stupid high pitched giggle where, in my mind, I'm high-fiving myself.. then I'll be so stressed because that's not how a 20-year-old is supposed to act. I was talking to Jason about this today. But I think I kinda decided that I can't really change who I am. I'm probably always gonna like stupid jokes on 9gag and applaud dry humour like Sara Bareilles' Sweet As Whole song which actually made me laugh out loud, I'm probably always gonna like watching stuff like Okiku Furikabutte and cheer on Jeremy Lin, saying it's Asian Pride though I don't even watch NBA. I can suppress it and hide it, pretend to be mature. But then hey, life's too short to try and be someone you're not. So this is me, the one who likes weird clothes and bright colours and actually, LITERALLY laugh then clap clap clap my hands when there's a funny joke on New Girl (yes.. -.- I actually do that), and who thinks photos of people who are genuinely smiling with laughter in their eyes are always beautifullllll so I hardly take photos seriously, and who's always soooo cheeky/annoying and screenshots ridiculous photos of people I love when I'm skyping with them. I am this person and I probably always will be. HAHA NEXT!
7. WHEEEE. Got my class hoodies on Thursdayyyyy. :D :D I was SO EXCITED to get them. This is for our class, Dentistry 2017 cuz that's when we graduate (if all goes well). And our slogan at the back says Oral Specialist. HAHA. Due to the fact that it's a pretty heavy sexual innuendo, some chose not to get the slogan on the back. I almost didn't get it as well because I'm such a nice and innocent girl and I don't wanna walk around promoting er.. stuff like that. But then I'm such kid so I was like YOLO and I just got it. So yea, we had class photos as well on that day, but they're gonna have one after the test on Wed cuz some ppl would have been absent on Thursday. It was so fun taking photos oh. Felt like TTSS times when you just walk around with a camera and take photos. -Wistful face--- Those were great fun times. So yea. 'Twas fun!!! Oh and the First Year Pharmacy's hoodie's slogan is "kiss my aspirin" which I thought was pretty funny. hahaha.
So yeaaapppp. Here's the first photo I'm putting on this blog that is NOT from the internet.
Yes. The one with the awkward face and the awkward skirt is me. BAM. Does my face suit my blabbering thoughts? :P
Cheers peepz! It's time to study! I've procrastinated enough on this blog. Seriously man. I've spent hours here and NOW IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT AND I HAVEN'T STUDIED AAAAHHHH!!!!!
Okie bye.
Sun 00:19 24/3/13
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Time To Strive Forwards.
Heya! Yes, I've changed my URL again. When this all started back when I was young and had gotten tired of hand-writing my diary cz my entres were so long, I started this blog with the URL geekooutlet. Then after some time, I added a "refined" at the end of it. It marked my decision to grow up slightly and use proper capitalisation and punctuation, instead of just letting everything be small case and using ... to separate sentences. This was inspired by my big sis, Kel, who would always type properly. So I just decided to follow in her footsteps and do the same. :D
Then, I replaced "refined" with "confused". This marked the phase where I was at major crossroads, where I had to make decisions and choose where I wanted to go in life. To study in Melbourne? Followed by what course to study, and where. Honestly, I don't think my decisions have been very wise. I'm sure we can all agree that choosing to leave Melbourne and go back to TTSS, though it was fun and eventful, wasn't the smartest decision. My mum said it was a regression. :/ But anyway. I was so confused for so much of my life. Sighface. Even the me that made the decision of doing Dentistry is still kinda confused. As confused as the me that chose to come to Ireland. Like Kat said, you never know whether the decisions you make are right or wrong, but you just gotta make the most of it, do your best, and not regret!
Finally, we come to the replacement of "confused" with "strive". Honestly, part of me is still unsure about whether where I am in my life now is where I'm supposed to be. But then, I think after all the lying face down on the ground, after all the self-doubt and the low points I've reach, which forced me to drag myself back upwards, I've somewhat come to terms with all of it and can now kinda accept it all. I think I kinda have to thank Denise for this too. I don't think anyone really knows how low I felt a couple of weeks ago. The words I used were "without a purpose" and "hopeless", and I don't know if you know how that really feels. All I can imagine is me standing in this foggy street, where everything I see is blurry and I can't make anything out... directionless. But then Denise gave me a really looong Whatsapp message, telling me off for whinging and feeling sorry for myself and all that. And that message almost broke me, the words really hurt especially since I was already down. But I do see her point, I've said the same things before. Having seen what Melina goes through, (my friend who has cancer in Melbourne), I have said before that we have no right to complain when she, like others out there, can't even sit on the ground without being physically incapable of getting up. Just like what The Frenemy said in Dear Penny, "I have felt so empty in a way that felt selfish for a girl like me, a girl that had hands and feet". Do you get what I'm trying to say?
Anywho. Now I'm fine and back on my feet, thank God, cuz I don't know if I would've had the strength to stay in Ireland if I stayed in the hole any longer. But now, after Denise screamed at me with what seemed like very harsh words at the time, and maybe also because of my birthday presents from my beloved friends (KTPS and Jason), I can see that I am truly blessed. Be grateful, don't complain. :) And also that finally, I can really accept that I have people who have my back, that though we hardly talk, I'm not alone!... I'm not scared of being alone!
All these things, as well as conversations with Jason, made me realise that I really shouldn't complain, I can support my own weight on my two feet!!!! I may stumble and I may trip and I may fall into a deep deep hole and it may hurt so bad and I may feel so lost I want to give up, but... I can do it. And I don't really wanna say this out loud cuz it's kinda.. bleh. Basically, I've stopped Skyping all the time, and it was not by choice. ......... I will slowly get used to it. But I've realised that this has been good for me because I've stopped being so... dependent I guess. I dunno. It feels weird but then I'm not hanging around waiting for the person to come online you know? UGH. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. Also, I've been reading before bed so that's really good too.
I guess what I'm trying to say that, yes, I may still be slightly confused and unsure about whether I'm on the right path. I may not be entirely satisfied that I'm here instead of there. I may struggle being here by myself away from home. But I've come to accept that this is where I am now, that this is what my life looks like now. And so with this acceptance comes with it an acceptance that all I have to do is keep going forward, all I have to do is strive! :)
EXCELSIOR!!!!
Love y'all yo! PEACE OUT.
Thurs 00:35 21/3/13
Then, I replaced "refined" with "confused". This marked the phase where I was at major crossroads, where I had to make decisions and choose where I wanted to go in life. To study in Melbourne? Followed by what course to study, and where. Honestly, I don't think my decisions have been very wise. I'm sure we can all agree that choosing to leave Melbourne and go back to TTSS, though it was fun and eventful, wasn't the smartest decision. My mum said it was a regression. :/ But anyway. I was so confused for so much of my life. Sighface. Even the me that made the decision of doing Dentistry is still kinda confused. As confused as the me that chose to come to Ireland. Like Kat said, you never know whether the decisions you make are right or wrong, but you just gotta make the most of it, do your best, and not regret!
Finally, we come to the replacement of "confused" with "strive". Honestly, part of me is still unsure about whether where I am in my life now is where I'm supposed to be. But then, I think after all the lying face down on the ground, after all the self-doubt and the low points I've reach, which forced me to drag myself back upwards, I've somewhat come to terms with all of it and can now kinda accept it all. I think I kinda have to thank Denise for this too. I don't think anyone really knows how low I felt a couple of weeks ago. The words I used were "without a purpose" and "hopeless", and I don't know if you know how that really feels. All I can imagine is me standing in this foggy street, where everything I see is blurry and I can't make anything out... directionless. But then Denise gave me a really looong Whatsapp message, telling me off for whinging and feeling sorry for myself and all that. And that message almost broke me, the words really hurt especially since I was already down. But I do see her point, I've said the same things before. Having seen what Melina goes through, (my friend who has cancer in Melbourne), I have said before that we have no right to complain when she, like others out there, can't even sit on the ground without being physically incapable of getting up. Just like what The Frenemy said in Dear Penny, "I have felt so empty in a way that felt selfish for a girl like me, a girl that had hands and feet". Do you get what I'm trying to say?
Anywho. Now I'm fine and back on my feet, thank God, cuz I don't know if I would've had the strength to stay in Ireland if I stayed in the hole any longer. But now, after Denise screamed at me with what seemed like very harsh words at the time, and maybe also because of my birthday presents from my beloved friends (KTPS and Jason), I can see that I am truly blessed. Be grateful, don't complain. :) And also that finally, I can really accept that I have people who have my back, that though we hardly talk, I'm not alone!... I'm not scared of being alone!
All these things, as well as conversations with Jason, made me realise that I really shouldn't complain, I can support my own weight on my two feet!!!! I may stumble and I may trip and I may fall into a deep deep hole and it may hurt so bad and I may feel so lost I want to give up, but... I can do it. And I don't really wanna say this out loud cuz it's kinda.. bleh. Basically, I've stopped Skyping all the time, and it was not by choice. ......... I will slowly get used to it. But I've realised that this has been good for me because I've stopped being so... dependent I guess. I dunno. It feels weird but then I'm not hanging around waiting for the person to come online you know? UGH. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. Also, I've been reading before bed so that's really good too.
I guess what I'm trying to say that, yes, I may still be slightly confused and unsure about whether I'm on the right path. I may not be entirely satisfied that I'm here instead of there. I may struggle being here by myself away from home. But I've come to accept that this is where I am now, that this is what my life looks like now. And so with this acceptance comes with it an acceptance that all I have to do is keep going forward, all I have to do is strive! :)
EXCELSIOR!!!!
Love y'all yo! PEACE OUT.
Thurs 00:35 21/3/13
Changes. :D
Heya!!!! Brace yourselves! Changes are coming!! I'm excited! :D Actually. I think that slowly, I'm gonna make this blog even more personal than it already is. I'm gonna make it not anonymous anymore cuz I kinda wanna put up pictures and stuff like that. :D It's gonna be a slow change-over. But yes, excited! Hope I won't get tired of this font. Verdana, you have served me well, I really like you, but tbh, my handwriting isn't that neat at all. Haha. So yes, I want this font to reflect my messy handwriting. But even this font is so much nicer than my handwriting -.- Whatever. STUDY!
(Hahaha. The only thing is, this font is way bigger than my last one. Which meanssss... one post is gonna look way longer than it already is!)
16:44 Wed 20/3/13
(Hahaha. The only thing is, this font is way bigger than my last one. Which meanssss... one post is gonna look way longer than it already is!)
16:44 Wed 20/3/13
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Uncanny.
Heya!!!! It's FREEDUMB!!!! I have survived the Duel to the Death! But honestly, I think I barely survived it and I'm bruised and have got battle scars all over now. It was tough. Not in the sense that I studied so hard and I'm exhausted and the questions were tricky etc. More like, tough because.. I don't know. I was battling with myself? My past boring posts have been about me trying to get over myself, get back to who I was and what I was capable of accomplishing. And I hit rock bottom on Wednesday, the day I put up the motivational video. Haha, it was actually so bad that I youtubed motivation. Whatta joke!!!!! But yea. My written exam on Monday was absolutely horrible. Every time I think about it, my heart skips a beat, my palms get a little sweaty, and I'm sooooo scared of failing. The shock my parents will get if I tell them I failed will be unbearable. They'll kinda be mad, but they'll be pitying me because I'll definitely be so upset, but then they might feel guilty too? Because I've always been a high achiever and now BAM. Resit a paper. And not to mention the embarrassment as well, especially when people ask about me and they have to . :(((((((( I'm always kind of an embarrassment to them lo to be honest. The only thing I've made them proud of is my Leaving Cert results and me getting into a uni in Ireland. :/ The rest of my life has just been blunder after blunder, and poor decision after poor decision.
But anywho. My written was crap. Then. I didn't really study because I'm just a lazy ass. Then on Wednesday, I had a biochem lab at 9am. It was a four hour lab and we only had 4 of those. It was the last one and they were all compulsory and carried like 2.5% of your end-of-the-year marks. And I overslept. -.- I must've turned off my alarm instead of snoozing it and I woke up at 12pm, when the lab was over. How bad was that?!?! And we were supposed to work in pairs so I ditched my partner and made her work on her own, and also, I had already done all the pre-lab questions and preparations. I was so horrified that I missed the lab. Not to mention frustrated, disappointed and angry at myself. Then slowly, I just felt so hopeless. I felt like I was a complete screw up. Like what the characters in Away We Go felt like. I felt like a mess, with no control over my life, just blunder after blunder. I felt really bad. Then it made me wonder why I was so unmotivated. Was it because I had no purpose over here? Was it because I didn't feel any passion for what I was studying? It made me so scared because at that time, I honestly 100% felt like I could quit now and never look back. I was without a purpose. Basically, I really felt like giving up.
On that day, I felt like I was on the brink of tears the whole day. So after an afternoon Biochem lecture, I kinda stayed behind and then I talked to Mohammad, the guy I mentioned before, as well as Pouya. They made me laugh and we just talked about preparing for the oral exam. Then I got up the courage and asked him to let me know if there was any group study session thing so that I could come along. We exchanged numbers and stuff and I left feeling a bit better. Mohammad was kind, he reassured me that I wasn't going to fail, though I'm not sure I believed him 100%, but it did help a little. Then I went to return a book to the library, talked to them more because they hadn't left the building. Then I went to take a walk to, I don't know, clear my head? I went the far way to post a bday card to Kev. And I just walked and walked and breathed and hoped. And after I posted the card and I was on the way home, I got a whatsapp message from Aunty Ping. It was one of those "send to 10 people and a good thing will happen to you in the next 10 minutes" messages. It was weird because Aunty Ping never sent me those before. The message said, "I'll start with you :)... Dear God, the sweet lady reading this, is kind and I'm proud of her. Pls help her live life to the fullest and bless her in her chosen field!" and the rest was the ridiculous "share with 9 ladies you love" stuff.
Honestly, I think I stopped right there. There were tears in my eyes and I knewwww God was with me. He always is. Just sometimes you get so caught up in life you forget to look. I'm proud of her... In her chosen field. Wow. I know it might just be some silly coincidence to some of you, but to me, it was a sign from God, and He was just letting me know that He hadn't given up on me. So I shouldn't give up on myself. It kinda let me feel a bit more at peace with myself.
Sooooooooooooooo yeap. In the end, I'm here, it's Sunday, I made it through my oral exam on Friday. It wasn't perfect, but I was really happy with it. I was really lucky. I got really easy questions compared to Yong who got the same examiners as I did, but got really hard questions. Some were saying that, if you did well in your written exam, you'll get harder questions in the oral as they would try to push you to get a first class honours. But then, some just said that the questions get harder as the day goes by because the people who have their oral later are at more of an advantage because they can get the details from the ones who went before them. I don't know. That freaked me out completely, because if the former is true, then I did horribly bad in my written because the difference in difficulty between me and Yong's questions is hugeeeee. But it's over now, there's nothing I can do about it. But God is good la seriously. If I had gotten any of the hard questions Yong got, I wouldn't have known how to answer them AT ALL. I didn't even know DMFT existed!!!!!!!!!! And Yong got a bunch of questions regarding that DMFT index.
Now, I feel fine. Feel a bit stronger. As if I constructed this bubble around myself that holds me up and keeps me standing, making me feel stronger. And I don't know if this will last. But I honestly just hope to be better than I was. Because being lost is scary. Very very scary. Cuz you don't know if you'll be able to find yourself again. Was whatsapping my mum and she said to focus on my needs. I asked her what my needs are and she said "your needs- your space- time to do things for yourself- time to study- time to eat". Honestly, I don't really fully get it. But thanks anyway. I kinda told her that I did really bad and I was worried that I might have to resit. She just said "can't be emo. Get down to serious business". Haha easier said than done. But thanks. :)
Happy St Paddy's Day guys! Went to church today after missing it for two weeks. All is well. :)
Sun 17/3/13 17:33
Life is tough for every one in different ways.
But anywho. My written was crap. Then. I didn't really study because I'm just a lazy ass. Then on Wednesday, I had a biochem lab at 9am. It was a four hour lab and we only had 4 of those. It was the last one and they were all compulsory and carried like 2.5% of your end-of-the-year marks. And I overslept. -.- I must've turned off my alarm instead of snoozing it and I woke up at 12pm, when the lab was over. How bad was that?!?! And we were supposed to work in pairs so I ditched my partner and made her work on her own, and also, I had already done all the pre-lab questions and preparations. I was so horrified that I missed the lab. Not to mention frustrated, disappointed and angry at myself. Then slowly, I just felt so hopeless. I felt like I was a complete screw up. Like what the characters in Away We Go felt like. I felt like a mess, with no control over my life, just blunder after blunder. I felt really bad. Then it made me wonder why I was so unmotivated. Was it because I had no purpose over here? Was it because I didn't feel any passion for what I was studying? It made me so scared because at that time, I honestly 100% felt like I could quit now and never look back. I was without a purpose. Basically, I really felt like giving up.
On that day, I felt like I was on the brink of tears the whole day. So after an afternoon Biochem lecture, I kinda stayed behind and then I talked to Mohammad, the guy I mentioned before, as well as Pouya. They made me laugh and we just talked about preparing for the oral exam. Then I got up the courage and asked him to let me know if there was any group study session thing so that I could come along. We exchanged numbers and stuff and I left feeling a bit better. Mohammad was kind, he reassured me that I wasn't going to fail, though I'm not sure I believed him 100%, but it did help a little. Then I went to return a book to the library, talked to them more because they hadn't left the building. Then I went to take a walk to, I don't know, clear my head? I went the far way to post a bday card to Kev. And I just walked and walked and breathed and hoped. And after I posted the card and I was on the way home, I got a whatsapp message from Aunty Ping. It was one of those "send to 10 people and a good thing will happen to you in the next 10 minutes" messages. It was weird because Aunty Ping never sent me those before. The message said, "I'll start with you :)... Dear God, the sweet lady reading this, is kind and I'm proud of her. Pls help her live life to the fullest and bless her in her chosen field!" and the rest was the ridiculous "share with 9 ladies you love" stuff.
Honestly, I think I stopped right there. There were tears in my eyes and I knewwww God was with me. He always is. Just sometimes you get so caught up in life you forget to look. I'm proud of her... In her chosen field. Wow. I know it might just be some silly coincidence to some of you, but to me, it was a sign from God, and He was just letting me know that He hadn't given up on me. So I shouldn't give up on myself. It kinda let me feel a bit more at peace with myself.
Sooooooooooooooo yeap. In the end, I'm here, it's Sunday, I made it through my oral exam on Friday. It wasn't perfect, but I was really happy with it. I was really lucky. I got really easy questions compared to Yong who got the same examiners as I did, but got really hard questions. Some were saying that, if you did well in your written exam, you'll get harder questions in the oral as they would try to push you to get a first class honours. But then, some just said that the questions get harder as the day goes by because the people who have their oral later are at more of an advantage because they can get the details from the ones who went before them. I don't know. That freaked me out completely, because if the former is true, then I did horribly bad in my written because the difference in difficulty between me and Yong's questions is hugeeeee. But it's over now, there's nothing I can do about it. But God is good la seriously. If I had gotten any of the hard questions Yong got, I wouldn't have known how to answer them AT ALL. I didn't even know DMFT existed!!!!!!!!!! And Yong got a bunch of questions regarding that DMFT index.
Now, I feel fine. Feel a bit stronger. As if I constructed this bubble around myself that holds me up and keeps me standing, making me feel stronger. And I don't know if this will last. But I honestly just hope to be better than I was. Because being lost is scary. Very very scary. Cuz you don't know if you'll be able to find yourself again. Was whatsapping my mum and she said to focus on my needs. I asked her what my needs are and she said "your needs- your space- time to do things for yourself- time to study- time to eat". Honestly, I don't really fully get it. But thanks anyway. I kinda told her that I did really bad and I was worried that I might have to resit. She just said "can't be emo. Get down to serious business". Haha easier said than done. But thanks. :)
Happy St Paddy's Day guys! Went to church today after missing it for two weeks. All is well. :)
Sun 17/3/13 17:33
Life is tough for every one in different ways.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
To My Toes.
I cried a bit yesterday night before bed. Don't know why. A few reasons I guess.
Was thinking about how low I've sunk and I was scared of failing. And I was praying and praying that I would change but I know it's unlikely because it's not the first time I gave myself an ultimatum to change, and maybe I did for a day then I went back to this me that can't do anything. I felt hopeless and frustrated because of that.
And I thought about how Denise has a new bff (hahaha so dramatic!) and she's moving on with her life and I'll always be the one whom people "look for when they need advice" but never the one they just company from. How people just leave me and I always just wait for them till my heart is so bruised that I'll finally give up and not wait and pack up and leave. But if they come back I'll let them in and forgive them because I'm a pushover. But that's my own choice because life is short so why keep count or hold a grudge or love less than you are capable of. So I just choose to forgive/forget about it and let myself be a pushover, though it hurts my heart while I just sit there and wait.
Also, I watched the movie Daniele asked me to watch while we were walking back from the hospital together. And it's an amazing movie. The screenplay is excellent. I have absolutely no idea why it's so underrated!!! I was just thinking about that scene (SPOILER ALERT) where they were in Montreal, and their guy friend was talking about what you needed to maintain such a great family, a great marriage, and keep it all together. And he said LOVE. Not just a drop of love here and there. But a whole tub of syrup of love on that small area. It's so true you know. There will be things that happen in a marriage that makes you want to get out of it. Maybe your other half won't pay enough attention to you or life just gets to the both of you and you drift apart from each other. So many things could go wrong. You could get seriously sick and the marriage becomes one person just holding up the other, both of you not living. You know? Stuff like that. Like in The Fault In Our Stars, where the guy with eye cancer had to get his eyes out and go blind. And his girlfriend who promised to stay with him forever and always left him. And the main character was saying that what he did to the gf wasn't very nice of him. He said "you think I wanted to go blind?!". "No, it's not your fault. But I'm just saying it wasn't very nice". So true you know. Like how you plan to have children and nurture them as they grow up and set them free into the world, and you get to live life as free parents with older independent children. But what if one of them was seriously sick or handicapped in some way, and you don't get to ever be free because your whole life will be taking care of that child? And alllllll these thoughts made me so sad because life is so unfair.
Life is so so so unfair. Like when I study about amino acids or enzymes and hormones and stuff. And there are so many million things that could go wrong with us. A change in a single amino acid can cause some horrible disease or condition, and we have so many thousands of amino acids in our bodies. But I'm here and I'm perfect in the sense that I'm healthy. My teeth are fine, my negative feedback system works, I get sick then I get better, my hair is good and so is my skin. I have ten fingers and ten toes, arms and legs for that matter. My bones are creaky but fine. I can eat and drink and it all digests properly. I get mood swings but I'm mentally stable (kinda). And my friend is there, and her cancer is back for the third time. And her remission wasn't even for that long.
What the buck man seriously. Life is so unfair!!!!! And I'm so scared that she won't make it because cancer is tough and the treatment is even tougher and she's so weak and I'm scared that she's not living while she's alive!
I really don't know what I was thinking about yesterday. Too many thoughts. But yea. I just felt really low, down down down to my toes. :(
What am I doing with my life?
Tue 17:13 12/3/13
Was thinking about how low I've sunk and I was scared of failing. And I was praying and praying that I would change but I know it's unlikely because it's not the first time I gave myself an ultimatum to change, and maybe I did for a day then I went back to this me that can't do anything. I felt hopeless and frustrated because of that.
And I thought about how Denise has a new bff (hahaha so dramatic!) and she's moving on with her life and I'll always be the one whom people "look for when they need advice" but never the one they just company from. How people just leave me and I always just wait for them till my heart is so bruised that I'll finally give up and not wait and pack up and leave. But if they come back I'll let them in and forgive them because I'm a pushover. But that's my own choice because life is short so why keep count or hold a grudge or love less than you are capable of. So I just choose to forgive/forget about it and let myself be a pushover, though it hurts my heart while I just sit there and wait.
Also, I watched the movie Daniele asked me to watch while we were walking back from the hospital together. And it's an amazing movie. The screenplay is excellent. I have absolutely no idea why it's so underrated!!! I was just thinking about that scene (SPOILER ALERT) where they were in Montreal, and their guy friend was talking about what you needed to maintain such a great family, a great marriage, and keep it all together. And he said LOVE. Not just a drop of love here and there. But a whole tub of syrup of love on that small area. It's so true you know. There will be things that happen in a marriage that makes you want to get out of it. Maybe your other half won't pay enough attention to you or life just gets to the both of you and you drift apart from each other. So many things could go wrong. You could get seriously sick and the marriage becomes one person just holding up the other, both of you not living. You know? Stuff like that. Like in The Fault In Our Stars, where the guy with eye cancer had to get his eyes out and go blind. And his girlfriend who promised to stay with him forever and always left him. And the main character was saying that what he did to the gf wasn't very nice of him. He said "you think I wanted to go blind?!". "No, it's not your fault. But I'm just saying it wasn't very nice". So true you know. Like how you plan to have children and nurture them as they grow up and set them free into the world, and you get to live life as free parents with older independent children. But what if one of them was seriously sick or handicapped in some way, and you don't get to ever be free because your whole life will be taking care of that child? And alllllll these thoughts made me so sad because life is so unfair.
Life is so so so unfair. Like when I study about amino acids or enzymes and hormones and stuff. And there are so many million things that could go wrong with us. A change in a single amino acid can cause some horrible disease or condition, and we have so many thousands of amino acids in our bodies. But I'm here and I'm perfect in the sense that I'm healthy. My teeth are fine, my negative feedback system works, I get sick then I get better, my hair is good and so is my skin. I have ten fingers and ten toes, arms and legs for that matter. My bones are creaky but fine. I can eat and drink and it all digests properly. I get mood swings but I'm mentally stable (kinda). And my friend is there, and her cancer is back for the third time. And her remission wasn't even for that long.
What the buck man seriously. Life is so unfair!!!!! And I'm so scared that she won't make it because cancer is tough and the treatment is even tougher and she's so weak and I'm scared that she's not living while she's alive!
I really don't know what I was thinking about yesterday. Too many thoughts. But yea. I just felt really low, down down down to my toes. :(
What am I doing with my life?
Tue 17:13 12/3/13
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