Lent.

Went to church today. I was feeling reallllllyyyyy exhausted from the late night before and also because coffee always makes me feel bad and I had one and a half cups of strong black coffee then, not cuz I wanted to stay awake. But because of... constipation. :P hahaha. Cuz, as we learnt in Raleigh, coffee is a natural laxative. ^_^ haha. So yea. was feeling like crap. And Denise said that's cuz I'm full of crap. HAHA. Can't blame her for saying that, kinda true. :P (See Dummy? I'm always shooooooo forgiving). But yea. I was too tired to really remember what the sermon was about. The priest said something about how the light of the divine is in every single one of us, depends if we choose it or not. That we have the potential? But then modern society, with all the temptations and just how life has become, dampens our potential, diverts us from being the best we can be or something la. Kinda true. Media, the world being so full of sex and drugs and alcohol, all those things are distractions I guess. And it's so hard to be good. :/ But anywhooooo. After communion when we were kneeling and praying, a 5th year dentistry senior, Erica, started crying while she was praying. Wow. My heart went out to her man. She didn't say anything about it after that la. But she was sobbing, not just quiet tears. (On a side note, unfair that she didn't turn red-faced, blotchy, ugly, after-crying face like me. UGHHHHH. She looked perfectly fine after that -.-). But yea. I was beside her and I was praying and just. I dunno. You never know what people are going through. Just pray she will be ok la. Reminded me of how I always get touched by the message in the sermon and kinda tear up sometimes, and how I cried last time during church in Dublin like a kid. Sad. I guess I was really sad and worried. Hope everything is ok for her. And then. After church I don't know. Maybe it's also because of my exhaustion as well, but I felt so hopeless. So lost oh. I've lost myself. :( Who have I become? This person who really can't sit still and study properly. So distracted and unfocused and... lost. I'm not saying exaggerating or saying all these to be like, oh woe is me I can't study. I've always been a daydreamer, could never really study for an hour without my mind wandering off and daydreaming a couple of times. But it's never been this bad. I can't take anything in, I don't know what I'm doing. Genuinely worried that I'm going to fail. And like for the biochem test we had last Thursday, I made a few mistakes that I know of, but even on the day of the test itself and the night before too, I was still so halfhearted, not entirely sure what I was doing, not entirely focused. I just feel like I don't know what ground I'm standing on. Feel so distant from God as well. I tried listening to Christian songs, but it's like. I'm just not connecting to Him. Or maybe I'm just not trying hard enough cuz my mind is not fully present.  

And really, something has got to change. It has to. During the course of lunch at Banna Thai with Paul, Erica, Catrin, Sean, Chris, Anita and Vincent, I've decided that, during this lent season, I will give up some things. I will give up: chocolate, crisps, Facebook, my guitar, and sleeping in (because I always abuse the snooze button on my phone till it's just enough time for me to get ready for lectures). Lent is about resisting temptations. Chocolate I know I can live without. But my guitar, Facebook, and gosh, sleep, these things are so distracting and I know I can waste less time on these. And Cat also talked about taking up something. (Joked about giving up chocolate and taking up koropok haha). I guess I'll take up myself. While I try hard to resist all these temptations, I will try and get back on track and find myself. Really. Things have got to change. 

I'm gonna take a nap and then study. Hope everyone everywhere is ok, and not feeling as lost and directionless and hopeless as me. Happy chap goh mei too yo. :) :) 

16:41 Sun 24/2/13