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You know in the Twilight Saga, especially in Eclipse, Bella always says that she is such a selfish person, hurting everyone she loves. Knowing that she is inflicting pain but selfish, because she chooses to continue that way? I so totally understand that. I'm Bella (ermm..?) and I'm a selfish brat.

I overthink things and have high expectations about my family to understand me without asking. Hah. They don't.

So on Tuesday, I went to the dentist to do stuff with my braces. The dentist put bands in between my molars (not all of them) like how they did it in the beginning before braces, to make a gap there between the molars so they can place the tooth brace (the metal box thing... ?). I was in a bad mood during my appointment because the dentist was in a bad mood because of her nurse who didn't sterilize the tools needed. And then she put the bands in without telling me beforehand and it HURT. Seriously. Then I had to change the position of one of my brackets and when the dentist tried to take the bracket off, it seriously felt like she was trying to pull my tooth out. It really, really hurt. So I wasn't in a great mood. I didn't talk all the way home, so no one knew what I had done in the dentist.

I requested fish porridge, but instead got plain porridge, with steamed fish as a separate dish. Call me picky but I seriously DISLIKE plain porridge. I wanted the fish to be cooked with the porridge. But oh well.

Then yesterday night, after I got back from volleyball and watched a bit of American Idol, I wandered into the kitchen and saw 'yong tau foo' on the table. There was also stuffed bitter gourd. I was happy. Really. I was so totally looking forward to dinner. It all looked delicious and I was tired from exercising and hungry, which always makes me want to eat more than usual. So I went upstairs to take a shower. When I came down, there was stuffed tau foo, bitter gourd, and the brown tau foo which looks like a sponge which can absorb soup. And others. =D I was so happy inside. Then I sat down, there was a bowl of fishball soup for me. It was the classic fishball soup with 'dong fen'. There was also vegetables in the soup.

Because my teeth still hurt, I said I didn't want the vegetables, without stating why. For a while now, my Wisdom Teeth have been growing on the left side. So it hurts eating on the left. Then also because it's been a day after the visit to the dentist, my teeth have started to move because of the bands. When I said I didn't want the vegetables, Kat and Kev and mum just said things like 'eat what's on your plate' etc.

That's when the overthinking came in. I've explained to my mum so many times that when my braces are tightened, noodles are easier to eat over rice, fish is easier to eat over meat, meat is easier to eat over vegetables. I was so.. disappointed I guess, that they weren't thinking and just assumed it's because I don't want to eat the vegetables. Truthfully, the kind of vegetables that were in my soup was not my favorite, but it was ok. I understand, I have to eat vegetables to stay healthy. I always do make an effort to eat some because of that reason when it's vegetables I'm ok with, but don't really like. I only don't eat them unless it's some vegetable that I really don't like, like kailan or bean sprouts or Brussels sprouts or something. But then my mum always just notices me not eating my vegetables when I don't eat them. I'm so over the stage of staying away from anything green. Seriously. How long ago was that? Spare me (phrase used in space of 'please lah').

So yea. I was.. pretty down. I didn't want to explain to them. It's not like they care or anything. So I stuffed some vegetables in my mouth and chewed slowly. It hurt. It took so long. Before I finished chewing, my mum said 'Give me the vegetables. Your teeth hurt right?'. I just continued chewing. Then my smart brother said 'but it's been two days already'. Kat said that I only did my teeth yesterday. I didn't realize that, but so what if it already had been two days? They didn't even know I put bands there, which makes it hurt longer. Stupid stupid assumptions. Then my mum started offering me porridge and stuff. She still didn't understand. Dong fen is probably the easiest thing to eat (apart from porridge). That made me even more down. Stupid thought was running through my head: Nobody understands me.

But then like always, like always, my overthinking makes a round and I start blaming my own self. My stupidity, my pessimism, things I've done when I could do it the other way, my actions, my thoughts. Everything. I started blaming myself for not making better decisions. I could have made a difference and made the dinner a happier one, for everyone. I could have just explained properly. I could have smiled and smiled more. Always think of the forked-end road, I tell Pei. You always have a choice. How come I don't realize that until it's too late?

So I just ate the dong fen and the fish balls quickly after they took the vegetables away. I ate it as fast as I could. Then I left the table and went upstairs to study the driving law but fell asleep thinking.. just thinking.

I didn't even get to eat the stuffed food which I like a lot.