Wish the joy we feel on Christmas was felt all year round.
Mon 22:46 20/1/14
Monday, January 20, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Walk Two Moons
Finally, I've finished a book!
I haven't really been reading for a long time and it was my new year's resolution to read more this year. And I've finally finished this book I bought ages ago from high school. It's called Walk Two Moons, by Sharon Creech. And I absolutely loved it! It's a young adult's book, written in the perspective of a 13 year old girl, and truly, the way the narrator sees things, the way the book progressed, it was so amazing. There were parts of the book that expressed love in such simple words that reached out to my heart and squeezed it. And needless to say, I cried reading this book too. A definite must-read, will-read-again, worthy-of-my-bookshelf book!
"She isn't actually gone at all. She's singing in the trees."
18/1/14 Sat 20:03
I haven't really been reading for a long time and it was my new year's resolution to read more this year. And I've finally finished this book I bought ages ago from high school. It's called Walk Two Moons, by Sharon Creech. And I absolutely loved it! It's a young adult's book, written in the perspective of a 13 year old girl, and truly, the way the narrator sees things, the way the book progressed, it was so amazing. There were parts of the book that expressed love in such simple words that reached out to my heart and squeezed it. And needless to say, I cried reading this book too. A definite must-read, will-read-again, worthy-of-my-bookshelf book!
"She isn't actually gone at all. She's singing in the trees."
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Empowerment!
The future is indeed uncertain.
I don't know what lies ahead,
I don't know my capabilities.
But like I tell others: just dive in head first, and pray to God it's the deep end.
Where are we going
Oh I don't know
But still I've got to go
All the best to you, Denise!
16/1/14 Thurs 19:34
I don't know what lies ahead,
I don't know my capabilities.
But like I tell others: just dive in head first, and pray to God it's the deep end.
Where are we going
Oh I don't know
But still I've got to go
All the best to you, Denise!
16/1/14 Thurs 19:34
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
It Fades Away.
Hello! Hahaha. It's been ages since I've been here. And I actually shouldn't be spending time here since I'm supposed to be studying. But I have just gone through this crazyyyyy cycle of.. I don't know what you call it.
I have always been doubtful about the decision I made to study Dentistry. And I've been at that point where I was looking up other courses I might want to study. But I always just pushed those feelings away and eventually I would forget about it. It came and went from time to time. And a week or so ago, the feeling came back. And this time it came back full force, like I've never felt before. I think it was full force because for once, I didn't look up courses that was specialised in the sense that I would find a job in that field after I graduated. Instead, I looked up courses that I was interested in. So I looked at the Bachelor of Arts offered by Monash, and I was swept away. They offered many languages like SPANISH which I've always wanted to learn, and Korean, and Japanese. And the language subjects came together with units about their culture and tradition. And they also had a subject on the Holocaust and genocide. They had so many subjects that really made me so excited, thinking about the prospect of learning all that.
And I know this doesn't make much sense. But to me, my whole life has been about Science and memorising and passing exams. And I've slowly come to believe that I'm just an empty shell holding information that won't be of much use to anyone. I feel that science is so dry. I mean, it can be interesting and all that. But I really believe that it doesn't really enrich you in any way. Not like when you learn about other cultures, how other people live on the other side of the world, and what has happened to those people in the past. This kind of knowledge tells you so much about other people, other lifestyles. My gosh.. I really feel like it fills you up so much! Though I can't really explain why! I just feel that.. there's so much more to know about the world and the people living in it! And also, those social sciences I was looking at would require me to write many essays, and that would make me develop my critical thinking skills, and teach me how to form opinions. I felt that, if I took this degree, I would actually be learning. Like seriously, learning something that would let you see the world in a different light, which kind of changes your life too; instead of just memorising something and forgetting about it. It made me want to redo my education from the beginning and not be moulded by this "professional degrees give you the brightest future" mindset.
I talked to Shuen too, whom I met from Raleigh. She had done a year of Pharmacy, and then made a hundred and eighty degree turn and went ahead to do Politics, Philosophy and Economics. She said that it was one of the best decision she had ever made and said that she felt so much more alive and engaged doing this course, whereas she just felt like a dead fish struggling through Pharmacy. She said that if you were interested and passionate about something, that would be enough to pull you through even if that something was difficult. The uncertainty of my future with such an open-ended degree as well as the fear of not being able to make it cuz it's something that I'd never done before, all these were addressed by Shuen who had been through the same thing too.
And this sounds like I have decided to change my course. But in actual fact, I have decided to stay.
To be fair, I have to say that the trigger of my downy thoughts were my really bad test results. These results were from a continuous assessment for Neurophysiology. And it was really bad. Seriously like.. I'm not kidding when I say it was bad. I've never gotten results that bad before. And this. is. not. an. exaggeration! Ok. For my future self, I got twenty. nine. out of a hundred. It's highly shameful for someone who's always done really well in school. But it's my own fault anyway, so I shouldn't be too proud to not admit to this. This made me kind of depressed and probably caused me to start thinking negatively about my course. Granted, the test was held a day after an exam, and on the same day of another test. So I studied more for the others and neglected this one. But all in all, I felt like I had no drive anymore to study hard. Like I really had to force myself to study and it was always a drag. I felt like I was trying to drag my dead weight when I tried to force myself to study. So it was this reason that made me feel like this wasn't right for me. Why did it have to be such a struggle if this was the path that I'm supposed to take?
But anyway. After many many days of being confused and sad because I didn't know where my life was going, and also many days of researching and reading up about the Arts degree, I've decided to stay.
I think it was because of something that would seem really silly to you. Today, we were walking from one class to another. Yong, myself and Adib were walking tgth and we were just chatting and laughing as usual. Adib mentioned the UCC New Batch fb group that he had posted in before he arrived in Cork, and Yong had replied but Adib just brushed her off, looking for a senior dent instead. And it was so funny. We were teasing each other and we talked about how funny we were in first year, and how we would look like when we were in fifth year, looking back to our time spent in Cork. It was really great, and I felt that it would be so sad if I couldn't be a part of that. And also, that walk we had was really full of laughter and fun, it was really enjoyable and uplifting. Then I realised that if I kept myself in that kind of mood, I would be ok. Because good company and good friends are all I ever crave, and just time spent chatting, laughing, teasing and enjoying would lift me up into the clouds and empower me to go forward. This would really fuel me with a positive outlook, and allow me to face all the horrible studying head on.
Another reason was, Yong is, omg so corny, but she is really a blessing. Studying here would definitely be so much less tolerable without her. We both have the same humour. Normally I would be afraid to spend so much time with someone because I would usually get annoyed of some particular thing the person does or says a lot. But Yong spends so much time with me, camping out at my place during exam periods, and eating lunch tgth between classes, and I still don't hate her yet. Haha. She's not only easy to be with but she is also so caring. Like when I got the bad test results and when I was thinking of changing course, she helped me and supported me. Omg this is all so CORNY I think my eyes will bleed. But yea. Today we had a Pathology lecture, and the lecturer put so many pics in his notes. Like almost half of the notes were pictures. So before printing them, I took the pictures out and saved them in a separate document so that I could save my printer ink. At the lecture, Yong was sitting beside me. And as I took out my notes, I told her "oh I took out the pictures", and then she said "ME TOO". Haha. What are the odds? Seriously you know.
So. I decided to stay. Because, I already think we are quite alike in some aspects, but really, a friend like that, who is so in sync with you without even trying, is someone I don't want to lose. And these people are kind of the people whom I would happily invite to my wedding. You know that kind of thing? When you just get along and enjoy time with them? Why would I give that up? And also I know that if I just make an effort to be less depressing and talk more to people and chat more, have more fun times with the Malaysians, I would be able to empower myself with the positive thoughts. I think that as long as I don't have a negative outlook, and dread all the effort I have to put into to go to labs and study and such, I would be able to make it out alive without becoming a dead fish. I also have to think about the times I spent last summer with Jessie. Going to Tenom via the choo choo train and looking out the window to see the river and finding the not-well-known beach together. Knowing I have such a beautiful home to go to, and so much more to explore.. I don't know why. It just empowers me.
So basically. I have to just be positive. Make an effort to spend more time with the people, even if it means me spending time to cook so that everyone can come tgth to eat and chat. And maybe also taking up an evening language class too will make me feel like I'm learning something, even though our semester is so packed already.
I have just spent about 2 hours typing this, because whenever I feel like I want to quit again, I can just come back and read this and remind myself that. I just. Need. To Get. Off. My. Lazy. Bum and just be positive happy with where I am right now.
Haha.
Wed 10:15pm 15/12/2014
I have always been doubtful about the decision I made to study Dentistry. And I've been at that point where I was looking up other courses I might want to study. But I always just pushed those feelings away and eventually I would forget about it. It came and went from time to time. And a week or so ago, the feeling came back. And this time it came back full force, like I've never felt before. I think it was full force because for once, I didn't look up courses that was specialised in the sense that I would find a job in that field after I graduated. Instead, I looked up courses that I was interested in. So I looked at the Bachelor of Arts offered by Monash, and I was swept away. They offered many languages like SPANISH which I've always wanted to learn, and Korean, and Japanese. And the language subjects came together with units about their culture and tradition. And they also had a subject on the Holocaust and genocide. They had so many subjects that really made me so excited, thinking about the prospect of learning all that.
And I know this doesn't make much sense. But to me, my whole life has been about Science and memorising and passing exams. And I've slowly come to believe that I'm just an empty shell holding information that won't be of much use to anyone. I feel that science is so dry. I mean, it can be interesting and all that. But I really believe that it doesn't really enrich you in any way. Not like when you learn about other cultures, how other people live on the other side of the world, and what has happened to those people in the past. This kind of knowledge tells you so much about other people, other lifestyles. My gosh.. I really feel like it fills you up so much! Though I can't really explain why! I just feel that.. there's so much more to know about the world and the people living in it! And also, those social sciences I was looking at would require me to write many essays, and that would make me develop my critical thinking skills, and teach me how to form opinions. I felt that, if I took this degree, I would actually be learning. Like seriously, learning something that would let you see the world in a different light, which kind of changes your life too; instead of just memorising something and forgetting about it. It made me want to redo my education from the beginning and not be moulded by this "professional degrees give you the brightest future" mindset.
I talked to Shuen too, whom I met from Raleigh. She had done a year of Pharmacy, and then made a hundred and eighty degree turn and went ahead to do Politics, Philosophy and Economics. She said that it was one of the best decision she had ever made and said that she felt so much more alive and engaged doing this course, whereas she just felt like a dead fish struggling through Pharmacy. She said that if you were interested and passionate about something, that would be enough to pull you through even if that something was difficult. The uncertainty of my future with such an open-ended degree as well as the fear of not being able to make it cuz it's something that I'd never done before, all these were addressed by Shuen who had been through the same thing too.
And this sounds like I have decided to change my course. But in actual fact, I have decided to stay.
To be fair, I have to say that the trigger of my downy thoughts were my really bad test results. These results were from a continuous assessment for Neurophysiology. And it was really bad. Seriously like.. I'm not kidding when I say it was bad. I've never gotten results that bad before. And this. is. not. an. exaggeration! Ok. For my future self, I got twenty. nine. out of a hundred. It's highly shameful for someone who's always done really well in school. But it's my own fault anyway, so I shouldn't be too proud to not admit to this. This made me kind of depressed and probably caused me to start thinking negatively about my course. Granted, the test was held a day after an exam, and on the same day of another test. So I studied more for the others and neglected this one. But all in all, I felt like I had no drive anymore to study hard. Like I really had to force myself to study and it was always a drag. I felt like I was trying to drag my dead weight when I tried to force myself to study. So it was this reason that made me feel like this wasn't right for me. Why did it have to be such a struggle if this was the path that I'm supposed to take?
But anyway. After many many days of being confused and sad because I didn't know where my life was going, and also many days of researching and reading up about the Arts degree, I've decided to stay.
I think it was because of something that would seem really silly to you. Today, we were walking from one class to another. Yong, myself and Adib were walking tgth and we were just chatting and laughing as usual. Adib mentioned the UCC New Batch fb group that he had posted in before he arrived in Cork, and Yong had replied but Adib just brushed her off, looking for a senior dent instead. And it was so funny. We were teasing each other and we talked about how funny we were in first year, and how we would look like when we were in fifth year, looking back to our time spent in Cork. It was really great, and I felt that it would be so sad if I couldn't be a part of that. And also, that walk we had was really full of laughter and fun, it was really enjoyable and uplifting. Then I realised that if I kept myself in that kind of mood, I would be ok. Because good company and good friends are all I ever crave, and just time spent chatting, laughing, teasing and enjoying would lift me up into the clouds and empower me to go forward. This would really fuel me with a positive outlook, and allow me to face all the horrible studying head on.
Another reason was, Yong is, omg so corny, but she is really a blessing. Studying here would definitely be so much less tolerable without her. We both have the same humour. Normally I would be afraid to spend so much time with someone because I would usually get annoyed of some particular thing the person does or says a lot. But Yong spends so much time with me, camping out at my place during exam periods, and eating lunch tgth between classes, and I still don't hate her yet. Haha. She's not only easy to be with but she is also so caring. Like when I got the bad test results and when I was thinking of changing course, she helped me and supported me. Omg this is all so CORNY I think my eyes will bleed. But yea. Today we had a Pathology lecture, and the lecturer put so many pics in his notes. Like almost half of the notes were pictures. So before printing them, I took the pictures out and saved them in a separate document so that I could save my printer ink. At the lecture, Yong was sitting beside me. And as I took out my notes, I told her "oh I took out the pictures", and then she said "ME TOO". Haha. What are the odds? Seriously you know.
So. I decided to stay. Because, I already think we are quite alike in some aspects, but really, a friend like that, who is so in sync with you without even trying, is someone I don't want to lose. And these people are kind of the people whom I would happily invite to my wedding. You know that kind of thing? When you just get along and enjoy time with them? Why would I give that up? And also I know that if I just make an effort to be less depressing and talk more to people and chat more, have more fun times with the Malaysians, I would be able to empower myself with the positive thoughts. I think that as long as I don't have a negative outlook, and dread all the effort I have to put into to go to labs and study and such, I would be able to make it out alive without becoming a dead fish. I also have to think about the times I spent last summer with Jessie. Going to Tenom via the choo choo train and looking out the window to see the river and finding the not-well-known beach together. Knowing I have such a beautiful home to go to, and so much more to explore.. I don't know why. It just empowers me.
So basically. I have to just be positive. Make an effort to spend more time with the people, even if it means me spending time to cook so that everyone can come tgth to eat and chat. And maybe also taking up an evening language class too will make me feel like I'm learning something, even though our semester is so packed already.
I have just spent about 2 hours typing this, because whenever I feel like I want to quit again, I can just come back and read this and remind myself that. I just. Need. To Get. Off. My. Lazy. Bum and just be positive happy with where I am right now.
Haha.
Wed 10:15pm 15/12/2014
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Borrowed Time.
Hey. It's been a while. A longgg while. I'm back in Ireland. And you know, when I think about it, I still am not sure whether I'm doing the right thing. I mean, dentistry. Is it for me? I feel so many doubts and I wonder whether other people feel it too. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. Am I being a coward by not stepping over the edge and going for something that won't make me feel so many doubts? Or am I being brave by sticking to this? hmmmmmmm hmmm hmmmmm!!!!!!!!!
ANYWAY. I've been watching Grey's. And it's killing me. It makes me so scared. Scared of an unlived life.
Krystell. When you read this, watch the last few episodes of Season 5. Seriously. But if you don't have time. Just watch the last episode. The last episode of Season 5.
Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."
I have to go to bed. I'm sorry I've neglected this blog. I'll be back! I have to make more of an effort to do all these things, to write! Nights. All the best. Take it in strife. Conquer second year. Be strongggg Krystell!
27/9/13 Fri 00:56
ANYWAY. I've been watching Grey's. And it's killing me. It makes me so scared. Scared of an unlived life.
Krystell. When you read this, watch the last few episodes of Season 5. Seriously. But if you don't have time. Just watch the last episode. The last episode of Season 5.
Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."
I have to go to bed. I'm sorry I've neglected this blog. I'll be back! I have to make more of an effort to do all these things, to write! Nights. All the best. Take it in strife. Conquer second year. Be strongggg Krystell!
27/9/13 Fri 00:56
Friday, May 17, 2013
Ohana.
Hello! HELLOE HELLOE HELLOE! One down, two more to goooo!!!!!! So, I'm supposed to start studying already. But thought I should blog. Cuz. You know.
Anyway. The biochem exam this morning was ok. I don't know whether I've said this before, but there were three sections: Biomolecules, Metabolism and Dental Case Studies. I only studied for Case Studies and 3/4 of Metabolism. I had studied biomolecules like a month ago but didn't have time to revise it. But yea. Yesterday I wasn't feeling very motivated so I didn't start studying till it was too late. And guess what? I actually didn't get to sleep in the end!!! :O I know. Extreme! It's my first time not sleeping for an exam. I took a nap for about an hour at midnight yesterday? But that was about it. It was because I didn't have time to finish what I had left of Metabolism, and because I didn't touch biomolecules, I could not afford to not finish what I had planned to finish for Metabolism. So yea. The exam went ok in the end. I'm pretty sure I can pass so that's a YAY. But oh gosh. I was soooo tired. I was dizzy, my eyes were so dry and I could feel my sympathetic nerves being stimulated, activating vasoconstriction in my subcutaneous vessels. Hahaha a taste of physiology for you.
Finished the exam, came back, tidied my stuff, took a shower. Oh and omgggg. Because the shower drain has been kinda clogged for a few days and it kinda floods cuz the water drains so slowly, I decided to clear it out (not for the first time) to have a good shower experience that I deserved in my sleep-deprived state. I've done it before so I kinda knew what to expect. But this time it. Was. So. Horrendous. I actually almost puked, I was so. DISGUSTED. I had to dig my fingers in the drain (covered with plastic bags of course) and tug the HUGE clump of hair out. And there was this omg-I-don't-know-how-to-describe-it-but-it-just-made-me-so-sick-I-held-my-breath smell that wafted out from the drain. YUCKSSSS. I was successful, mission accomplished. And I poured bleach around and down the drain, wanted to bleach my hands too but was like, neeeeh. Hahaha.
ANYWAY. I dried my hair, moisturised face, and CRASHEDDDD for four hours. Haha. Omg. Naps on soft and warm beds are an amazing blessing from heaven. Seriously man. We're so blessed! Yong and I napped together then I forced both of us to get up lest we won't be able to sleep tonight. And we cooked dinner. Yummy chicken thigh stuffed with stuffing from Tesco, boiled poppies and spuds. :D 'Twas yummy! I didn't put the chicken skin down. I put the oven on the fan setting, then on the grill setting for the last 10 minutes. Skin turned out crispy. Win!!!
Recently I discovered Kyle Landry, a youtube pianist that does his own arrangements on covers, he also plays his own compositions. He's like so pro and the music sounds so great to my ears that I'm determined to touch the piano again when I go back. Haha. Loveeee his Harry Potter medley, which is the first thing I heard from him. He has a cover of the "I'll make a man out of you" Mulan song and it made me start looking up Disney songs. OMG I so wanna watch Mulan again. Then I came across LILO AND STITCH songs. Seriously. I hereby exclaim that Lilo And Stitch is my all time favourite animated movie man! I really really really really love it so much. It's not just those feel-good movies with a happy ending. It's actually kinda heartbreaking. :'( The fact that Lilo is not a typical main character who's pretty and smart. She's awkward and has no friends, and comes from a broken family. "We're a broken family, aren't we?" SUPER SAD. And while listening to one of the songs on Youtube, saw a comment that made me realise something. Pudge the fish controls the weather!!!! And Lilo's parents died in a car crash on a rainy night. :( SO SAD. It's seriously such a great movie!
Anyway. Should get studyingggg! Can't wait till EXAMS ARE OVER. Soon!!!!!!!!!! So soon I wanna put my fist in my mouth. HAHA. Kinda worried though cuz the next two papers are worth 70% of the whole subject. :/ And yet here I am telling you aboud a non-existent cartoon character. Haha. GBYE!!!
Sat 00:38 18/5/13
Anyway. The biochem exam this morning was ok. I don't know whether I've said this before, but there were three sections: Biomolecules, Metabolism and Dental Case Studies. I only studied for Case Studies and 3/4 of Metabolism. I had studied biomolecules like a month ago but didn't have time to revise it. But yea. Yesterday I wasn't feeling very motivated so I didn't start studying till it was too late. And guess what? I actually didn't get to sleep in the end!!! :O I know. Extreme! It's my first time not sleeping for an exam. I took a nap for about an hour at midnight yesterday? But that was about it. It was because I didn't have time to finish what I had left of Metabolism, and because I didn't touch biomolecules, I could not afford to not finish what I had planned to finish for Metabolism. So yea. The exam went ok in the end. I'm pretty sure I can pass so that's a YAY. But oh gosh. I was soooo tired. I was dizzy, my eyes were so dry and I could feel my sympathetic nerves being stimulated, activating vasoconstriction in my subcutaneous vessels. Hahaha a taste of physiology for you.
Finished the exam, came back, tidied my stuff, took a shower. Oh and omgggg. Because the shower drain has been kinda clogged for a few days and it kinda floods cuz the water drains so slowly, I decided to clear it out (not for the first time) to have a good shower experience that I deserved in my sleep-deprived state. I've done it before so I kinda knew what to expect. But this time it. Was. So. Horrendous. I actually almost puked, I was so. DISGUSTED. I had to dig my fingers in the drain (covered with plastic bags of course) and tug the HUGE clump of hair out. And there was this omg-I-don't-know-how-to-describe-it-but-it-just-made-me-so-sick-I-held-my-breath smell that wafted out from the drain. YUCKSSSS. I was successful, mission accomplished. And I poured bleach around and down the drain, wanted to bleach my hands too but was like, neeeeh. Hahaha.
ANYWAY. I dried my hair, moisturised face, and CRASHEDDDD for four hours. Haha. Omg. Naps on soft and warm beds are an amazing blessing from heaven. Seriously man. We're so blessed! Yong and I napped together then I forced both of us to get up lest we won't be able to sleep tonight. And we cooked dinner. Yummy chicken thigh stuffed with stuffing from Tesco, boiled poppies and spuds. :D 'Twas yummy! I didn't put the chicken skin down. I put the oven on the fan setting, then on the grill setting for the last 10 minutes. Skin turned out crispy. Win!!!
Recently I discovered Kyle Landry, a youtube pianist that does his own arrangements on covers, he also plays his own compositions. He's like so pro and the music sounds so great to my ears that I'm determined to touch the piano again when I go back. Haha. Loveeee his Harry Potter medley, which is the first thing I heard from him. He has a cover of the "I'll make a man out of you" Mulan song and it made me start looking up Disney songs. OMG I so wanna watch Mulan again. Then I came across LILO AND STITCH songs. Seriously. I hereby exclaim that Lilo And Stitch is my all time favourite animated movie man! I really really really really love it so much. It's not just those feel-good movies with a happy ending. It's actually kinda heartbreaking. :'( The fact that Lilo is not a typical main character who's pretty and smart. She's awkward and has no friends, and comes from a broken family. "We're a broken family, aren't we?" SUPER SAD. And while listening to one of the songs on Youtube, saw a comment that made me realise something. Pudge the fish controls the weather!!!! And Lilo's parents died in a car crash on a rainy night. :( SO SAD. It's seriously such a great movie!
Anyway. Should get studyingggg! Can't wait till EXAMS ARE OVER. Soon!!!!!!!!!! So soon I wanna put my fist in my mouth. HAHA. Kinda worried though cuz the next two papers are worth 70% of the whole subject. :/ And yet here I am telling you aboud a non-existent cartoon character. Haha. GBYE!!!
Sat 00:38 18/5/13
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Bravery.
Hello! I feel. SHOOOO. LAZY it's ridiculous. I already know that I don't have enough time to finish studying everything, and I kinda feel the stress and I know how much I'm leaving out for this Biochem exam already. And yet I'm not trying to make up for it. It's like, the laziness of my conscious mind overcomes the panic of my subconscious. hahaha. 'Tis awful sad. So I decided to come and blogggg instead of doing absolutely nothing.
Jason gave me a quote he found in the Game of Thrones book.
"Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?" "That is the only time a man can be brave."
He told me that quite a while ago. But I think how true that statement really is only hit me recently. It's so true don't you think? It's like that "It takes a night to make it dawn; it takes a day to make you yawn; it takes some cold to know the sun" kinda thing (from Life is Wonderful by JMraz yoz). It takes fear to know what bravery is.
Like for me. I have doubts about whether this course is for me. I could do so many other things that will let me enjoy myself so much more and suffer so much less, like being a teacher or event manager or something like that. I am so scared that I'm wasting my time (and money) doing this. What if in the end I'm just too awkward and uncoordinated that I just suck? What if in the end I don't get to help people in the way I want to? Sure, I might have a bright future in the sense that I'll be able to be financially independent, but what if I'm not happy during the process, and I make myself suffer so much, all these sleepless nights, not to mention deteriorating health!!!! I actually can't pinpoint what it is that makes me so doubtful and worried. It might even just be my laziness talking, with the thought of all these studying and self-discipline I have to force out of myself for the next few years (and a few years after that too if I wanna specialise) bringing me down.
But then. I guess all these fears are what makes me brave. I keep it all in, pack those feelings up into the box that is marked "You'll get over it" and continue to sleep at 6 or 7am every night (morning?) just to try and pass my exams... Continue to miss home and struggle to be content standing on my own two feet... Continue to not quit. I guess in other words, I could say I'm brave.
I hope so. :/
Anyway. I should really study. Hope people are happy, and that those I love are even happier haha. On a side note, HOME is so close. So close I start hyperventilating when I think about. So close that it's suffocating me and making me implode! So close I can't think about it lest I can't study. Haha. Can't wait! Goodbye! :D
Thurs 01:34 16/5/13
Jason gave me a quote he found in the Game of Thrones book.
"Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?" "That is the only time a man can be brave."
He told me that quite a while ago. But I think how true that statement really is only hit me recently. It's so true don't you think? It's like that "It takes a night to make it dawn; it takes a day to make you yawn; it takes some cold to know the sun" kinda thing (from Life is Wonderful by JMraz yoz). It takes fear to know what bravery is.
Like for me. I have doubts about whether this course is for me. I could do so many other things that will let me enjoy myself so much more and suffer so much less, like being a teacher or event manager or something like that. I am so scared that I'm wasting my time (and money) doing this. What if in the end I'm just too awkward and uncoordinated that I just suck? What if in the end I don't get to help people in the way I want to? Sure, I might have a bright future in the sense that I'll be able to be financially independent, but what if I'm not happy during the process, and I make myself suffer so much, all these sleepless nights, not to mention deteriorating health!!!! I actually can't pinpoint what it is that makes me so doubtful and worried. It might even just be my laziness talking, with the thought of all these studying and self-discipline I have to force out of myself for the next few years (and a few years after that too if I wanna specialise) bringing me down.
But then. I guess all these fears are what makes me brave. I keep it all in, pack those feelings up into the box that is marked "You'll get over it" and continue to sleep at 6 or 7am every night (morning?) just to try and pass my exams... Continue to miss home and struggle to be content standing on my own two feet... Continue to not quit. I guess in other words, I could say I'm brave.
I hope so. :/
Anyway. I should really study. Hope people are happy, and that those I love are even happier haha. On a side note, HOME is so close. So close I start hyperventilating when I think about. So close that it's suffocating me and making me implode! So close I can't think about it lest I can't study. Haha. Can't wait! Goodbye! :D
Thurs 01:34 16/5/13
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