Empowerment!

The future is indeed uncertain. 

I don't know what lies ahead, 
I don't know my capabilities. 

But like I tell others: just dive in head first, and pray to God it's the deep end. 




Where are we going
Oh I don't know
But still I've got to go

All the best to you, Denise! 

16/1/14 Thurs 19:34

Hello, Jessie. :)

Got your email. Haha. I'm hoping you know I feel bad for not replying, but I also know you know that it's cuz I'm having exams. BUT. Almost there! :D 

I also don't know when you'll come onto my blog again. But when you do, just thought you'd appreciate this song! 




Thank you for keeping my fishies alive haha! 

Sending some love back, Krys. 

Wed 11:19 8/5/13

Don't Be Scared!

This song is so beautiful! It's so sad that her songs stemmed from such heartbreaking circumstances. Watch till the end ok!




Anywho. I can't believe it's almost over! My first academic year is almost done!!!! We have about 18 days left till the LAST PAPER. And it's seriously crazy to think that we've made it. I mean made first year. Hahaha my head will probably explode when/if I graduate after 5 years and it'll be even more seriously crazy. -.- Denise has her semester break now and she's flying home!!! Wheeee welcome home!!! I can't wait till it's my turn. And I just thought about how weird it is that you've just been flying in Msian airports. Sigh. Kinda miss the grundgy-ness of the airports haha. Appreciate the company you'll have ok!!!! I mean your WESTERN friends. Cuz like, you're blessed with coursemates you are chillaxed with yo! 

Anyway. Should continue studying!!! Tmr is Dad's birthday!!!! AND. The 5th is election day!!!! OMG. There's so much going on, I don't know whether it's the fact that everyone is more politically aware now and is fed up of the government, or whether it's cuz I'm closer to the voting age now so my social network would also be the same, but everyone is really fiery now regarding change and such. INI KALI LAH. So yea. I don't know, kinda worried that change won't come, or change will come but with consequences. Wish Malaysia all the best I guess. :) It's a beautiful nation, but every nation has it's flaws. Hopefully this will lessen them. 

BYE! 

Fri 23:42 3/5/13

In An Ideal World...

YOU! Tell me that you're gonna fight!

Haha if only life were a movie. 

Thurs 18:33 2/5/13

The Rain Keeps Falling.

I just received a sad message that my friend, Melina, just passed away. I first met her in Saturday School in Glenwaverly doing Indonesian when I was studying in Melbourne. Met her through her brother, Adhy who was in my class. Melina was a year my senior. She was always so.. cheerful, talking about her week and silly stuff. We used to hang out during recess. I remember she was working in Nandos or something and she complained to me about how she was getting back aches and couldn't lift boxes and stuff, how she was getting more tired recently. Then a week or two later she told me that she had cancer before but now it was back. She had Leukaemia. So she had to stop school and everything and got admitted into hospital. I tried to visit her every weekend after Indo school or on Sundays. Got lost more than once trying to find the Children's Hospital even though I'd been there before. I went there sometimes with Indo school friends and sometimes alone. She couldn't many types of food because the therapy made her digestive system very selective and dodgy. She couldn't eat anything fat or sweet, she had to check her blood sugar level every day too. It was really a new experience for me. How she was so weak and couldn't even go to the toilet by herself because she was physically incapable of pulling herself out of bed. 

I remember she told me how people didn't dare to eat in front of her because they worried about how she might get a craving for that food but would not be able to eat it. She told me that she didn't mind because when people eat it, she felt like she was eating it. Like how when I had braces just put on and it was sore and I couldn't chew, I would demand that my family order certain dishes I would've eaten even though I couldn't have any of it, just to make myself feel better. We talked about that. So I bought McD downstairs with one of her friends cuz I was hungry and we went back up to eat and keep her company. I've watched movies with her before. I ta paued food for her and her mum before on the way to the hospital. I went to her house and saw her drawings and cool stuff and we went to get Bubble Tea, and went to ta pau pizza and stuff like that. 

When I wasn't in Melbourne anymore I kept in touch with her. She got better, then one day she fb messaged me saying her cancer was back. And even then I was worried. I have read a few fictional books on cancer. The pain in your body that's just everywhere. How cancer goes, then it comes back. For so many years you're just battling, and then one day it gets stronger and it wins and you lose. It's relentless. Just a long, endless fight. Sometimes people get tired.  

I was kind of planning to go to Melbourne during my summer holiday in June to see my sister and see Steph and Tur and there were other things I wanted to do. The two things that I really really looked forward to doing was going to visit Melina and going to the youth I went to. I even almost fb-ed Melina to tell her that I might be in Melbourne and that I would definitely go and visit her. But I never did that... and now it's too late. 

But you know what the worst thing is? The fact that I ate lunch, skyped Jason, watched an episode of Criminal Minds. Finished that and then went on FB and I got an fb msg from one of the girls, Marini, who was from Indo School who visited Melina with me once or twice. She told me the news. And I was shocked and just reread it and covered my mouth. "Not sure if you heard, but Melina passed away tonight :(". That was the message. Then my phone rang, it was Paul and he asked if I was home, he wanted to pass me a peanut butter cookie he baked. I was excited. Ran downstairs to let him in and got it from him. Talked a while. I came back, read through the condolence messages, sent one to her mum and Adhy. Cried a bit. Got a whatsapp from Denise asking me if I've heard of the app, WeChat. I took a bite of the peanut butter cookie which is really good and reminded me of Kak Piang, the peanut butter pancake we get back home. Googled it, looked at photos of Kak Piang. And now I'm typing this. If you don't get what I'm trying to say, this is it: Life just goes on. My biochem textbook still lays opened on my desk, begging me to study it. My bowl which I had my lunch in still needs to be washed. I take another bite of the cookie. My phone flashes indicating another message from loved ones talking about the awesomeness of my favourite chocolate cake my mum baked. 

Rest in peace Melina. Though we were never really that close and I've left Melbourne for almost two and a half years now, you've taught me so much. You've been so strong and so brave, always fighting and being positive. You always complained about the plain, tasteless food the hospital served you; and about all the exercises you had to do to keep your mobility up, but you never really let it get to you. It's so unfair but we all know that life is unfair anyway. I cried when I first learnt that your cancer came back, and I cry now at your passing because to me, you were always that cheerful girl with a huge heart of love and kindness. And I just pray that your soul will be at peace now, and I pray also for your family, that they may be strong, knowing that you have touched the lives of others, including myself. :) 

I want to end this with an excerpt from the book I'm reading, The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, written by David Wroblewski. This is the part where they explain the past of Edgar's parents before he himself was born, and it's about his mum having a stillbirth in the middle of the night in the tub and the husband, in the same night, building a casket for the baby.

In the house they put two blankets in the bottom of the casket and laid the swaddled baby inside. It wasn't until then that he thought about sealing the casket. He looked at Trudy.

"I've got to nail it shut," he said. "Let me take it out to the barn."

"No," she said. "Do it here."

He walked to the barn and got a hammer and eight nails and the whole way back to the house he brooded over what he was about to do. They'd set the casket in the middle of the living room. He knelt in front of it. It had turned out looking like a crate, he saw, though he had done the best he could. He drove a nail into each corner and he was going to put one in the center of each side but all at once he couldn't. He apologized for the violence of it. He laid his head against the rough wood of the casket. Trudy ran her hand down his back without a word.

He picked up the casket and carried it to the birch grove and they lowered it into the hole and shoveled dirt over it. Almondine, just a pup at the time, stood beside them in the rain. Gar cut a crescent in the sod with the spade and pounded the cross into the ground with the flat side of the hammer. When he looked up, Trudy lay unconscious in the newly greened hay.

She woke as they sped along the blacktop north of Mellen. Outside the truck window the wind whipped the falling rain into half-shapes that flickered and twirled over the ditches. She closed her eyes, unable to watch without growing dizzy. She stayed in the Ashland hospital that night and when they returned the following afternoon, the rain still fell, the shapes still danced. 

John Green definitely had it right, there's a Fault in our Stars. 

You'll be missed, Melina! :'(

15th of April 2013, Monday, 17:37 

Soundtrack of this day: 寂寞寂寞就好－田馥甄

Safe Flight!

Pray that Kel will have a safe flight and that the plane will land safely. Have mercy Lord! 

02:00 Sat 13/4/13

Made Me Smile HAHA.

This is for you too, Cu!! Was rereading old blog posts/procrastinating. Came across this. Hahahaha. OMG. I can't wait to go home and reread my album!!! SEE? Thanks Dummy. But. It should be you getting the present. HAHA But like I said. You've probably received enough presents to last a life time. All the pens, the photos, the mini album, the CAP etc. Lameeee. And you call me cheapskate. Pls la. I spend so much money on you la! hahaha. Anyway. Read this and smile. :) This blogpost was dated 12/9/2011. :D 

Love you Denise! 

12/4/13 18:28 Fri

BUTTIFUL.

To my Dummy. HAHAHA. HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOZZZZ!!!! And I guess happy Tmo too! haha. I hate that you didn't receive my card when you were in KK with Wenjia and JH. :( And I actually hate that I can't be there to be your excuse as to why you can't go on a date with cutie pie keningau who has a bouquet of roses and heart-shaped chocos for you. (HAHA). As in, I hate that I can't be the one to bring you out for.. erm. Nandos and Chatime or something like that. Haha. 

We're both 20 now. BAM. How does it feel???? As if nothing has changed right? Same here. You're going to the US soon man. When I think about it I actually worry a lot. Influences can be powerful.. they can change a person. But I know you're a smart cookie (hahaha not so smart cz you still owe me loads for the Dumbo Jar btw!) so I guess you'll kinda be silly but be ok. 

Sorry I didn't call you. Doesn't mean I care less!!!!! 

Hmm. I guess. Just wishing you all the best, once again, in everything you do! Study hard, I know you do. Be sincere and be the best you can be. And I know you're having loads of fun there. Haha. 

Miss you lots yo. Seriously. :) 

HAHAHAHA omg. I spent like an hour writing this and finding photos man. Hahaha SO COOL I FOUND THIS. 

That was my one shining moment where you exclaimed your love to me for the whole wide world to know!!!!! MUAHAHAHA. See? It was never one-sided! :P I rmbr also how we used to skype, and fb msg and chat on fb wall post comments, and it was a race to see who could type faster and multitask and answer all of them. HAHA. Then we invented sclscp, and like. Life was never the same. HAHA. (I can imagine your scrawly writing drawing the heart as a butt. You're the only person who can't draw a heart.)

THIS. Is a three way relationship YOU'D wanna be in. ;) Miss this dude man. Too bad it didn't really work out in the end. hahaha.

Wind blowing in our faces, both wearing yellow, excited for class trip. Caught in the moment. 

Lastly. You know this cuz I've said it again and again and again your ears are probably bleeding. Thanks for everything yo. For the memories and the advice and the prayers and the stupid conversations and mostly, for the friendship! Happy birthday, cu!!! :D 

Fri 13:03 12/4/13