Dear future me,
Please look up Spanish language classes or Certificate in Arts!!!!
Ps. I hope you're happy. Don't be complacent! Be empowered!
22/1/14 Wed 23:44
Friday, September 19, 2014
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Poised and Elegant Like A Flower Dancing In The Wind
So ystd I went to watch the new x men. The days of future past. Which was absolutely amazing btw. we went to Mahon shopping mall where they have an imax theatre there, which was where our movie was showing. so naturally, as the movie was still pretty new, the cinema lobby was pretty packed before the movie, with a long queue to buy lollies and popcorn. Over here, the lolly section is separate to the popcorn section, but you pay for the lollies tgth with the popcorn at the popcorn section. So you basically pick your lollies and scoop them into a bag and go over to pay at the popcorn section. So my friends joined the queue for the popcorn, while myself and my other friend went to pick lollies and chocolate yumzzz. We took quite a while and when we were done, I took the pretty full bag of lollies and then I turned around. I saw my friends who were half way through the line already. So I thought, 'why not give them the lollies and ask them to pay for it first, and ask them to get my popcorn, so that my friend and I won't need to queue from the start since the line is pretty long'. I thought it was a magnificent idea so I got so excited at my brilliant stroke of intelligence. So I rushed over to them, my gaze clearly focused on them, my momentum sky rocketed. Then it happened. I walked into this sign thingy that was heavy. You know those signs they put outside cafes and restaurants, with the menus written on them or their logo printed on them? The ones that are like knee high?? UGH. I WALKED INTO it and my momentum caused me to keep going even though there was an obstacle blocking me. The sign was pretty heavy too so it didn't knock over, it just kinda moved forward together with me, giving me no place to put my foot to steady myself. UGH. So I basically waltzed and tangoed with the sign for a while. It was in front of this huge queue too! Everyone was looking at me as I made a fool out of myself trying to not fall over. THEN, I dropped the bag of candy. OMGGGGGG. My friends burst out laughing. UGH. Seriously. I even caught the eyes of a few strangers. WHEEEEEE.
and THAT'S the story describing how I pick up guys with my amazing alluring charm.
also today in town, I was drinking hot chocolate out of a take away cup, the ones with those small sip holes. And I was listening to a friend speak, and I raised the cup to my mouth, not realising that the sip hole was NOT in line with my mouth, and proceeded to pour hot chocolate onto my face and jacket. UGH. then the worst is, my friend consoled me as if he was consoling a kid who fell of his bike. he said 'don't worry don't worry. these things happen', then handed me a tissue. HAHAHA. ugh. seriously. i'm a pure charmer yo ;)
Sun 23:00 25/5/14
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Boy, How Life Has Changed.
Hello. It been ages! Hahaha when will I stop saying that. Many things have happened. I just finished my exam yesterday, and with that as the special cherry topping, I think that all in all, this academic year has really been so tough. I don't really know where to start. So as always, I'll just follow my train of thought and see where that takes me, though usually I just end up with a really badly constructed blog post.
I feel that as we grow up, life constantly pushes us over the edge so that we are forced to stretch our wings and fly, even though our wings may still be growing and we are incapable of flight. It's like, whenever we reach another landing, life will push us over the edge again and again and no matter how tight we grasp onto the cliff edge with our fingers- and we may be able to cling on for a while- our fingers will eventually give way. Life forces us to grow up. It forces us to mature whether we like it or not. This academic year has been really tough. And I've talked about that feeling of fear in my heart that will make me kind of panic about wasting time and wasting my life- that fear of living an unfulfilled life. Right now it's really really strong in me, so much so that I can say happily that I've been doing things every day that I think are worth it, instead of wasting time watching shows all day.
So anyway. A bit about this year Sept 2013 to May 2014. First, my popo passed away. I won't lie and say that I was really close to my popo. But man, it was the first death of a close family member for me. And the thing I remember is looking at my dad and noticing his hunched shoulders, and feeling like he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was really tough, seeing him so broken and even seeing him cry too. It was then I realised how we were blessed to be reasonably family oriented- how there were so many happy memories made under the roof of my popo's house, the countless family dinners, good food and great company there. It was beautiful.
Second, I had Jason, then I lost him. It was tough. For so many years, through bitter experiences, I've told myself that I really have to stand on my own two feet and not rely on other people. And after graduating from high school, with everyone going their own ways, everyone getting on with their life and close friends go from the kind that talk every day to the kind that are totally comfortable with each other when they occasionally talk or meet, Jason was the one that was my pillar. I know it sounds kind of wrong the way I make it seem like he kind of.. you know.. made my life complete. I'm not saying he did, I'm saying he was my pillar. Whatever that means. The one I talked to whenever and wherever I was. I had slowly learnt to be ok with being alone, truly accepting that I was loved and that I didn't need the constant validation and communication with friends and family to know that. Then I lost him. And then I truly realised that I was just telling myself all of that and that I had no idea what it meant to really stand on my own two feet. I then learnt, in a... harsh way, what it meant to not rely on anyone but myself. It was tough. I reconnected with old friends whom I probably neglected throughout the years, and got closer to my family because of it all. And I can say I'm glad for that. But it remains a regret to have lost someone who meant so much to me.
And the final one, she was diagnosed with cancer. This woman who means the world to me. The one I can count on no matter what. Regardless of what she was feeling, she would always be there for me, and I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like without her. She called me to fly back to KL from Ireland, and after flights were booked, she told me that she was actually going for a mastectomy to remove a lump. Ok, fine. They caught it early. Regardless of that though, it was one of the most worrisome periods of my short life. Seriously. I wouldn't be able to sleep so many nights, and I cried so much that the pillows that caught my tears were a mess. It was really tough, and I remember the day of her surgery, she came out and every thing was okay and every thing was fine, and I was so exhausted from the little sleep I managed to get that after a few minutes of her getting back to her hospital room, I fell asleep in the spare bed, sleeping through the hoards of visitors that came as well as the chatter and laughter that continued for many hours.
But it didn't end there. It wasn't benign, it was malignant. It was cancer. They talked about statistics too- the 5-year life expectancy and the 10-year one, and how the percentage would drop going from the former to the latter. That seriously freaked me out, thinking of how there was a chance that she wouldn't be here in ten years time. Sheesh man, I would only be 31, that's crazy to lose her at that age! (TOUCH WOOD). It's all crazy. Until now, it still feels so surreal. They've been trying to raise awareness for cancer for so many years. You hear about the touching stories, you read the shared articles on Facebook and watch the shared videos, books and movies have been made where the hero or heroin has cancer... but we feel so untouchable, especially in a country like Malaysia where no one really talks about cancer. We feel like it's something that happens on the other side of the world, and yet it happened right in front of me. It's crazy. And sometimes I ask the darnedest question: why us?
After weeks of teetering on the fence as to whether or not to do chemo, she has decided to go ahead with it, which is what I was hoping for at first. But now I'm not so sure. It scares me like no one else's business. It scares me to the core. The kind of fear that shakes me to my bones. She's always been this really strong, independent woman. The type that enters the room in a whirlwind. The one who speaks and gets heard. She's fast on her feet, she gets things done. Once, I was lying in bed, exhausted from exams, and I asked her cheekily to wash my hands for me, thinking that it was an impossible feat, because I was in bed and she would definitely not carry me to the toilet for me to wash my hands. I had expected her to tell me to just get up and get moving. But instead, she went and got a wash cloth, wet it with the tap, and wiped my hands for me. She made the impossible all possible. And I fear that chemo will change her. Take away her ability to be independent and I don't know what will happen to her. I'm just so scared. With all that "fear of an unfulfilled life", this has truly made me jump out of my chair. She told me after her diagnosis that we have to stop worrying and really live life, do the things we want to do. It's basically stuff that I've already known, but have never really understood. How you say "YOLO" and "we only have one life", but still spend all day just watching some drama series you know? And recently I showed her a picture of me and some Irish dim sum I was having and I said "Having sad dim sum here in Ireland". She then said that we should always appreciate and never compare. We need to live life momentarily and enjoy what's around us. All this happened during my exam period. I was back in KL during study month and only flew back to Ireland two days before my first paper. And of course, I was so caught up with worry back in KL that I got so little studying done. And though I'm so happy to have finished exams, I honestly don't know whether I've passed all my papers. And it sucks, because I know there's no one else to blame but myself, and I know that if I fail, she would blame herself for making me go back to KL and she definitely does not need that right now. It really does suck. Results will come out soon and I just pray that I will somehow pass by the grace of God, for I have never been so unprepared for exams in my life and I just really don't want her to worry. But whatever happens, I know it was through no one's fault but mine.
So now since I've finished my exams, I really do at least one productive thing in a day and try and get out and get my blood pumping, having also vowed to live healthy, stop eating maggie and all that. It really is the fear in my heart that literally makes me jump out of bed. I would get some exercise done on alternate days, and it may be very very little exercise to some of you, but compared to how much I've done this past year, it's already off the charts! I go out with friends, go to town and shop though I don't buy anything, go and eat out, do some packing for when I move out, read a little, and enjoy an episode of Criminal Minds. I think about what Jessie said to me last time, "Today is my last day", and now I understand it more than ever. I still have that fear and worry constantly egging me at the back of my mind. I'm really worried about finances too because I can't imagine how much chemo would cost, as well as all the consultation fees, and the flights to see the oncologists. It's crazy. So I'm also thinking of getting a job next year.
The days are going by slowly, and that's a good sign because it means I'm making use of them. But when I look back, I can't believe it's still the same year. So much has changed, and I feel like I've aged so much. And I'm still learning, learning how to be more appreciative of myself, learning how to stand on my own two feet, learning how to be comfortable with who I am, and just learning how to deal and how to get by today to get to the next. It's tough and I still have bad days where I don't know what to do and don't know what's going to happen and my pillow soaks up my tears. And I think everyone is scared too but we all want to put up a strong front, yet we know that the other person has tears at the back of their eyes but we're holding them back. Ugh. It's seriously just.. so surreal. I'm off to bed now. I don't really know how to end this post. I guess. The way we live today is the what our life would look like when we look back. And hopefully, from where I will stand in the future, it'll look amazing.
What is the meaning of life? It's a riddle that we all, hopefully, will answer for ourselves as we continue living.
Wed 21/5/14 23:15
I feel that as we grow up, life constantly pushes us over the edge so that we are forced to stretch our wings and fly, even though our wings may still be growing and we are incapable of flight. It's like, whenever we reach another landing, life will push us over the edge again and again and no matter how tight we grasp onto the cliff edge with our fingers- and we may be able to cling on for a while- our fingers will eventually give way. Life forces us to grow up. It forces us to mature whether we like it or not. This academic year has been really tough. And I've talked about that feeling of fear in my heart that will make me kind of panic about wasting time and wasting my life- that fear of living an unfulfilled life. Right now it's really really strong in me, so much so that I can say happily that I've been doing things every day that I think are worth it, instead of wasting time watching shows all day.
So anyway. A bit about this year Sept 2013 to May 2014. First, my popo passed away. I won't lie and say that I was really close to my popo. But man, it was the first death of a close family member for me. And the thing I remember is looking at my dad and noticing his hunched shoulders, and feeling like he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was really tough, seeing him so broken and even seeing him cry too. It was then I realised how we were blessed to be reasonably family oriented- how there were so many happy memories made under the roof of my popo's house, the countless family dinners, good food and great company there. It was beautiful.
Second, I had Jason, then I lost him. It was tough. For so many years, through bitter experiences, I've told myself that I really have to stand on my own two feet and not rely on other people. And after graduating from high school, with everyone going their own ways, everyone getting on with their life and close friends go from the kind that talk every day to the kind that are totally comfortable with each other when they occasionally talk or meet, Jason was the one that was my pillar. I know it sounds kind of wrong the way I make it seem like he kind of.. you know.. made my life complete. I'm not saying he did, I'm saying he was my pillar. Whatever that means. The one I talked to whenever and wherever I was. I had slowly learnt to be ok with being alone, truly accepting that I was loved and that I didn't need the constant validation and communication with friends and family to know that. Then I lost him. And then I truly realised that I was just telling myself all of that and that I had no idea what it meant to really stand on my own two feet. I then learnt, in a... harsh way, what it meant to not rely on anyone but myself. It was tough. I reconnected with old friends whom I probably neglected throughout the years, and got closer to my family because of it all. And I can say I'm glad for that. But it remains a regret to have lost someone who meant so much to me.
And the final one, she was diagnosed with cancer. This woman who means the world to me. The one I can count on no matter what. Regardless of what she was feeling, she would always be there for me, and I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like without her. She called me to fly back to KL from Ireland, and after flights were booked, she told me that she was actually going for a mastectomy to remove a lump. Ok, fine. They caught it early. Regardless of that though, it was one of the most worrisome periods of my short life. Seriously. I wouldn't be able to sleep so many nights, and I cried so much that the pillows that caught my tears were a mess. It was really tough, and I remember the day of her surgery, she came out and every thing was okay and every thing was fine, and I was so exhausted from the little sleep I managed to get that after a few minutes of her getting back to her hospital room, I fell asleep in the spare bed, sleeping through the hoards of visitors that came as well as the chatter and laughter that continued for many hours.
But it didn't end there. It wasn't benign, it was malignant. It was cancer. They talked about statistics too- the 5-year life expectancy and the 10-year one, and how the percentage would drop going from the former to the latter. That seriously freaked me out, thinking of how there was a chance that she wouldn't be here in ten years time. Sheesh man, I would only be 31, that's crazy to lose her at that age! (TOUCH WOOD). It's all crazy. Until now, it still feels so surreal. They've been trying to raise awareness for cancer for so many years. You hear about the touching stories, you read the shared articles on Facebook and watch the shared videos, books and movies have been made where the hero or heroin has cancer... but we feel so untouchable, especially in a country like Malaysia where no one really talks about cancer. We feel like it's something that happens on the other side of the world, and yet it happened right in front of me. It's crazy. And sometimes I ask the darnedest question: why us?
After weeks of teetering on the fence as to whether or not to do chemo, she has decided to go ahead with it, which is what I was hoping for at first. But now I'm not so sure. It scares me like no one else's business. It scares me to the core. The kind of fear that shakes me to my bones. She's always been this really strong, independent woman. The type that enters the room in a whirlwind. The one who speaks and gets heard. She's fast on her feet, she gets things done. Once, I was lying in bed, exhausted from exams, and I asked her cheekily to wash my hands for me, thinking that it was an impossible feat, because I was in bed and she would definitely not carry me to the toilet for me to wash my hands. I had expected her to tell me to just get up and get moving. But instead, she went and got a wash cloth, wet it with the tap, and wiped my hands for me. She made the impossible all possible. And I fear that chemo will change her. Take away her ability to be independent and I don't know what will happen to her. I'm just so scared. With all that "fear of an unfulfilled life", this has truly made me jump out of my chair. She told me after her diagnosis that we have to stop worrying and really live life, do the things we want to do. It's basically stuff that I've already known, but have never really understood. How you say "YOLO" and "we only have one life", but still spend all day just watching some drama series you know? And recently I showed her a picture of me and some Irish dim sum I was having and I said "Having sad dim sum here in Ireland". She then said that we should always appreciate and never compare. We need to live life momentarily and enjoy what's around us. All this happened during my exam period. I was back in KL during study month and only flew back to Ireland two days before my first paper. And of course, I was so caught up with worry back in KL that I got so little studying done. And though I'm so happy to have finished exams, I honestly don't know whether I've passed all my papers. And it sucks, because I know there's no one else to blame but myself, and I know that if I fail, she would blame herself for making me go back to KL and she definitely does not need that right now. It really does suck. Results will come out soon and I just pray that I will somehow pass by the grace of God, for I have never been so unprepared for exams in my life and I just really don't want her to worry. But whatever happens, I know it was through no one's fault but mine.
So now since I've finished my exams, I really do at least one productive thing in a day and try and get out and get my blood pumping, having also vowed to live healthy, stop eating maggie and all that. It really is the fear in my heart that literally makes me jump out of bed. I would get some exercise done on alternate days, and it may be very very little exercise to some of you, but compared to how much I've done this past year, it's already off the charts! I go out with friends, go to town and shop though I don't buy anything, go and eat out, do some packing for when I move out, read a little, and enjoy an episode of Criminal Minds. I think about what Jessie said to me last time, "Today is my last day", and now I understand it more than ever. I still have that fear and worry constantly egging me at the back of my mind. I'm really worried about finances too because I can't imagine how much chemo would cost, as well as all the consultation fees, and the flights to see the oncologists. It's crazy. So I'm also thinking of getting a job next year.
The days are going by slowly, and that's a good sign because it means I'm making use of them. But when I look back, I can't believe it's still the same year. So much has changed, and I feel like I've aged so much. And I'm still learning, learning how to be more appreciative of myself, learning how to stand on my own two feet, learning how to be comfortable with who I am, and just learning how to deal and how to get by today to get to the next. It's tough and I still have bad days where I don't know what to do and don't know what's going to happen and my pillow soaks up my tears. And I think everyone is scared too but we all want to put up a strong front, yet we know that the other person has tears at the back of their eyes but we're holding them back. Ugh. It's seriously just.. so surreal. I'm off to bed now. I don't really know how to end this post. I guess. The way we live today is the what our life would look like when we look back. And hopefully, from where I will stand in the future, it'll look amazing.
What is the meaning of life? It's a riddle that we all, hopefully, will answer for ourselves as we continue living.
Wed 21/5/14 23:15
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Annyong!
Annyong! I've been using that as a greeting for a while now. Haha. Probably from the influence of Kat. Right now it is 1am, and I'm supposed to be studying. But evidently I am not. I have been procrastinating for two days now. And I know I'm gonna regret this so badly because I'm going to the Netherlands with Yong next Tuesday, and will be meeting my relatives there after Yong flies back here. So all in all I will be staying in the Netherlands until the 16th, and my exams start on the 30th! Why do I torture myself. But anyway. I'm looking forward to the trip! Of course I'm really stressed too because we'll be staying in dorms and dodgy places like that. Gotta pray pray pray for a smooth trip! I'm also really excited because we will be travelling down the off-beaten path. We'll be going to different places and cities, spending quite some time on the road, and ending up in Amsterdam. Also gotta pray for good good weather!!!
Today I went for a "run" with Sam. I basically woke up with a text from her saying that I'll be joining her for a run later in the afternoon. As she knows, I don't exercise at all, so she wasn't giving me much of a choice. I was kinda looking for an excuse to get out of my room so I went with it. It was quite nice. She promised me we won't need to run. Even though I would have, we ended up not running at all because the heavy rain from last night made the paths slippy. So we walked and talked and walked and talked and I could feel my lungs burning from exertion. Haha. I know right. Exertion. From walking. I really need to get out more. Haha. We walked down by the river (the song!!! Let's lay down our sorrows!! :P) and back, and then went up to Yong's place, chat with her there for a while. It was so funny because Sam said that we would go for the run if it didn't rain. And it didn't at first, but by the time we were at Yong's, it was drizzling quite a bit. I was quite cold in my exercise wear which did not include a jacket or a coat!! And when we left her house, it was safe to say it was pouring!! Oh gosh. I was freezing, numb! I stepped into the shower as soon as I got back and my upper limb muscles were not working!! Took a while for them to warm back up. But yea it was a fun day. :D Hmm come to think of it, I actually haven't posted many photos at all for a while. Here's one! Credits to Sam.
Anyway. I've finished another book! Yayyyy applause applause! I started The Gift by Cecelia Ahern quite a while ago. (Also, beware! Spoiler alert!!!) I read The Time of My Life not too long ago. It was quite a weird book because I couldn't quite grasp her writing style. I guess I was confused because I expected it to be a fiction set in the real world. But it was kinda magical also, like abnormal things happened too. It was kinda like it was set in the real world but with magical unexplainable things happening. The same went with The Gift. Kinda confusing. Because it all seems like it's set in the normal real world. But then things start happening and you're like, ok wait, what? So now I can see her writing style, though I must say it differs so much from the last book I read from her, which was the super old Where Rainbows End. But I really really love it. She kinda puts in the magical aspects, like how fairies or genies appear in movies and like grant the main character a second chance or something. Then everything ends well. You know that kind of thing? Quite wistful. This book was so good. The way it was written was so.. descriptive. I don't think I really liked it at first because it seemed long winded to me. But then the way she described some things were really quite beautiful.
Anyway. Good story. I realised that I hate these kind of story lines for movies. You know, when the character is so frustratingly ignorant about the things that are important in life, then throughout the movie, many "lessons" try and show him/her the right path or something, and he/she never sees it. UGH. It makes me want to pull my hair out. I don't know if it's because of the way the story line was laid out, or if it was because it was a book not a movie, but I didn't find myself getting annoyed like that. The story line was laid out so well. I love books that make me feel like the whole story was like a process of tying a bow, where at the final chapter, it's like the last step of the bow-tying, where you pull the opposite loops to tighten the knot: it's where every thing comes together and forms a beautiful bow!
I just really want to highlight the main point of the story which is a lesson that we all need to learn, and here it is:
"You think you've all the time in the world, but you haven't. None of us have. We're spending it with all the might and indifference of January sale shoppers. A week from now they'll be crowding the streets, swarming the shops, with open wallets, just throwing all their cash away."
"But you can earn more money, so who cares?"
"So that makes time more precious, doesn't it? More precious than money, more precious than anything. You can never earn more time. Once an hour goes by, a week, a month, a year, you'll never get them back".
That really struck me. The comparison between money and time. I really need to work on spending my time more wisely. I really do!
Anywho. Gonna sleep now. Gonna start a new book soon! Nights!
Sunday 01:53 6/4/14
Today I went for a "run" with Sam. I basically woke up with a text from her saying that I'll be joining her for a run later in the afternoon. As she knows, I don't exercise at all, so she wasn't giving me much of a choice. I was kinda looking for an excuse to get out of my room so I went with it. It was quite nice. She promised me we won't need to run. Even though I would have, we ended up not running at all because the heavy rain from last night made the paths slippy. So we walked and talked and walked and talked and I could feel my lungs burning from exertion. Haha. I know right. Exertion. From walking. I really need to get out more. Haha. We walked down by the river (the song!!! Let's lay down our sorrows!! :P) and back, and then went up to Yong's place, chat with her there for a while. It was so funny because Sam said that we would go for the run if it didn't rain. And it didn't at first, but by the time we were at Yong's, it was drizzling quite a bit. I was quite cold in my exercise wear which did not include a jacket or a coat!! And when we left her house, it was safe to say it was pouring!! Oh gosh. I was freezing, numb! I stepped into the shower as soon as I got back and my upper limb muscles were not working!! Took a while for them to warm back up. But yea it was a fun day. :D Hmm come to think of it, I actually haven't posted many photos at all for a while. Here's one! Credits to Sam.
Anyway. I've finished another book! Yayyyy applause applause! I started The Gift by Cecelia Ahern quite a while ago. (Also, beware! Spoiler alert!!!) I read The Time of My Life not too long ago. It was quite a weird book because I couldn't quite grasp her writing style. I guess I was confused because I expected it to be a fiction set in the real world. But it was kinda magical also, like abnormal things happened too. It was kinda like it was set in the real world but with magical unexplainable things happening. The same went with The Gift. Kinda confusing. Because it all seems like it's set in the normal real world. But then things start happening and you're like, ok wait, what? So now I can see her writing style, though I must say it differs so much from the last book I read from her, which was the super old Where Rainbows End. But I really really love it. She kinda puts in the magical aspects, like how fairies or genies appear in movies and like grant the main character a second chance or something. Then everything ends well. You know that kind of thing? Quite wistful. This book was so good. The way it was written was so.. descriptive. I don't think I really liked it at first because it seemed long winded to me. But then the way she described some things were really quite beautiful.
Anyway. Good story. I realised that I hate these kind of story lines for movies. You know, when the character is so frustratingly ignorant about the things that are important in life, then throughout the movie, many "lessons" try and show him/her the right path or something, and he/she never sees it. UGH. It makes me want to pull my hair out. I don't know if it's because of the way the story line was laid out, or if it was because it was a book not a movie, but I didn't find myself getting annoyed like that. The story line was laid out so well. I love books that make me feel like the whole story was like a process of tying a bow, where at the final chapter, it's like the last step of the bow-tying, where you pull the opposite loops to tighten the knot: it's where every thing comes together and forms a beautiful bow!
I just really want to highlight the main point of the story which is a lesson that we all need to learn, and here it is:
"You think you've all the time in the world, but you haven't. None of us have. We're spending it with all the might and indifference of January sale shoppers. A week from now they'll be crowding the streets, swarming the shops, with open wallets, just throwing all their cash away."
"But you can earn more money, so who cares?"
"So that makes time more precious, doesn't it? More precious than money, more precious than anything. You can never earn more time. Once an hour goes by, a week, a month, a year, you'll never get them back".
That really struck me. The comparison between money and time. I really need to work on spending my time more wisely. I really do!
Anywho. Gonna sleep now. Gonna start a new book soon! Nights!
Sunday 01:53 6/4/14
Monday, January 20, 2014
Belated Merry Christmas!
Wish the joy we feel on Christmas was felt all year round.
Mon 22:46 20/1/14
Mon 22:46 20/1/14
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Walk Two Moons
Finally, I've finished a book!
I haven't really been reading for a long time and it was my new year's resolution to read more this year. And I've finally finished this book I bought ages ago from high school. It's called Walk Two Moons, by Sharon Creech. And I absolutely loved it! It's a young adult's book, written in the perspective of a 13 year old girl, and truly, the way the narrator sees things, the way the book progressed, it was so amazing. There were parts of the book that expressed love in such simple words that reached out to my heart and squeezed it. And needless to say, I cried reading this book too. A definite must-read, will-read-again, worthy-of-my-bookshelf book!
"She isn't actually gone at all. She's singing in the trees."
18/1/14 Sat 20:03
I haven't really been reading for a long time and it was my new year's resolution to read more this year. And I've finally finished this book I bought ages ago from high school. It's called Walk Two Moons, by Sharon Creech. And I absolutely loved it! It's a young adult's book, written in the perspective of a 13 year old girl, and truly, the way the narrator sees things, the way the book progressed, it was so amazing. There were parts of the book that expressed love in such simple words that reached out to my heart and squeezed it. And needless to say, I cried reading this book too. A definite must-read, will-read-again, worthy-of-my-bookshelf book!
"She isn't actually gone at all. She's singing in the trees."
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Empowerment!
The future is indeed uncertain.
I don't know what lies ahead,
I don't know my capabilities.
But like I tell others: just dive in head first, and pray to God it's the deep end.
Where are we going
Oh I don't know
But still I've got to go
All the best to you, Denise!
16/1/14 Thurs 19:34
I don't know what lies ahead,
I don't know my capabilities.
But like I tell others: just dive in head first, and pray to God it's the deep end.
Where are we going
Oh I don't know
But still I've got to go
All the best to you, Denise!
16/1/14 Thurs 19:34
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
It Fades Away.
Hello! Hahaha. It's been ages since I've been here. And I actually shouldn't be spending time here since I'm supposed to be studying. But I have just gone through this crazyyyyy cycle of.. I don't know what you call it.
I have always been doubtful about the decision I made to study Dentistry. And I've been at that point where I was looking up other courses I might want to study. But I always just pushed those feelings away and eventually I would forget about it. It came and went from time to time. And a week or so ago, the feeling came back. And this time it came back full force, like I've never felt before. I think it was full force because for once, I didn't look up courses that was specialised in the sense that I would find a job in that field after I graduated. Instead, I looked up courses that I was interested in. So I looked at the Bachelor of Arts offered by Monash, and I was swept away. They offered many languages like SPANISH which I've always wanted to learn, and Korean, and Japanese. And the language subjects came together with units about their culture and tradition. And they also had a subject on the Holocaust and genocide. They had so many subjects that really made me so excited, thinking about the prospect of learning all that.
And I know this doesn't make much sense. But to me, my whole life has been about Science and memorising and passing exams. And I've slowly come to believe that I'm just an empty shell holding information that won't be of much use to anyone. I feel that science is so dry. I mean, it can be interesting and all that. But I really believe that it doesn't really enrich you in any way. Not like when you learn about other cultures, how other people live on the other side of the world, and what has happened to those people in the past. This kind of knowledge tells you so much about other people, other lifestyles. My gosh.. I really feel like it fills you up so much! Though I can't really explain why! I just feel that.. there's so much more to know about the world and the people living in it! And also, those social sciences I was looking at would require me to write many essays, and that would make me develop my critical thinking skills, and teach me how to form opinions. I felt that, if I took this degree, I would actually be learning. Like seriously, learning something that would let you see the world in a different light, which kind of changes your life too; instead of just memorising something and forgetting about it. It made me want to redo my education from the beginning and not be moulded by this "professional degrees give you the brightest future" mindset.
I talked to Shuen too, whom I met from Raleigh. She had done a year of Pharmacy, and then made a hundred and eighty degree turn and went ahead to do Politics, Philosophy and Economics. She said that it was one of the best decision she had ever made and said that she felt so much more alive and engaged doing this course, whereas she just felt like a dead fish struggling through Pharmacy. She said that if you were interested and passionate about something, that would be enough to pull you through even if that something was difficult. The uncertainty of my future with such an open-ended degree as well as the fear of not being able to make it cuz it's something that I'd never done before, all these were addressed by Shuen who had been through the same thing too.
And this sounds like I have decided to change my course. But in actual fact, I have decided to stay.
To be fair, I have to say that the trigger of my downy thoughts were my really bad test results. These results were from a continuous assessment for Neurophysiology. And it was really bad. Seriously like.. I'm not kidding when I say it was bad. I've never gotten results that bad before. And this. is. not. an. exaggeration! Ok. For my future self, I got twenty. nine. out of a hundred. It's highly shameful for someone who's always done really well in school. But it's my own fault anyway, so I shouldn't be too proud to not admit to this. This made me kind of depressed and probably caused me to start thinking negatively about my course. Granted, the test was held a day after an exam, and on the same day of another test. So I studied more for the others and neglected this one. But all in all, I felt like I had no drive anymore to study hard. Like I really had to force myself to study and it was always a drag. I felt like I was trying to drag my dead weight when I tried to force myself to study. So it was this reason that made me feel like this wasn't right for me. Why did it have to be such a struggle if this was the path that I'm supposed to take?
But anyway. After many many days of being confused and sad because I didn't know where my life was going, and also many days of researching and reading up about the Arts degree, I've decided to stay.
I think it was because of something that would seem really silly to you. Today, we were walking from one class to another. Yong, myself and Adib were walking tgth and we were just chatting and laughing as usual. Adib mentioned the UCC New Batch fb group that he had posted in before he arrived in Cork, and Yong had replied but Adib just brushed her off, looking for a senior dent instead. And it was so funny. We were teasing each other and we talked about how funny we were in first year, and how we would look like when we were in fifth year, looking back to our time spent in Cork. It was really great, and I felt that it would be so sad if I couldn't be a part of that. And also, that walk we had was really full of laughter and fun, it was really enjoyable and uplifting. Then I realised that if I kept myself in that kind of mood, I would be ok. Because good company and good friends are all I ever crave, and just time spent chatting, laughing, teasing and enjoying would lift me up into the clouds and empower me to go forward. This would really fuel me with a positive outlook, and allow me to face all the horrible studying head on.
Another reason was, Yong is, omg so corny, but she is really a blessing. Studying here would definitely be so much less tolerable without her. We both have the same humour. Normally I would be afraid to spend so much time with someone because I would usually get annoyed of some particular thing the person does or says a lot. But Yong spends so much time with me, camping out at my place during exam periods, and eating lunch tgth between classes, and I still don't hate her yet. Haha. She's not only easy to be with but she is also so caring. Like when I got the bad test results and when I was thinking of changing course, she helped me and supported me. Omg this is all so CORNY I think my eyes will bleed. But yea. Today we had a Pathology lecture, and the lecturer put so many pics in his notes. Like almost half of the notes were pictures. So before printing them, I took the pictures out and saved them in a separate document so that I could save my printer ink. At the lecture, Yong was sitting beside me. And as I took out my notes, I told her "oh I took out the pictures", and then she said "ME TOO". Haha. What are the odds? Seriously you know.
So. I decided to stay. Because, I already think we are quite alike in some aspects, but really, a friend like that, who is so in sync with you without even trying, is someone I don't want to lose. And these people are kind of the people whom I would happily invite to my wedding. You know that kind of thing? When you just get along and enjoy time with them? Why would I give that up? And also I know that if I just make an effort to be less depressing and talk more to people and chat more, have more fun times with the Malaysians, I would be able to empower myself with the positive thoughts. I think that as long as I don't have a negative outlook, and dread all the effort I have to put into to go to labs and study and such, I would be able to make it out alive without becoming a dead fish. I also have to think about the times I spent last summer with Jessie. Going to Tenom via the choo choo train and looking out the window to see the river and finding the not-well-known beach together. Knowing I have such a beautiful home to go to, and so much more to explore.. I don't know why. It just empowers me.
So basically. I have to just be positive. Make an effort to spend more time with the people, even if it means me spending time to cook so that everyone can come tgth to eat and chat. And maybe also taking up an evening language class too will make me feel like I'm learning something, even though our semester is so packed already.
I have just spent about 2 hours typing this, because whenever I feel like I want to quit again, I can just come back and read this and remind myself that. I just. Need. To Get. Off. My. Lazy. Bum and just be positive happy with where I am right now.
Haha.
Wed 10:15pm 15/12/2014
I have always been doubtful about the decision I made to study Dentistry. And I've been at that point where I was looking up other courses I might want to study. But I always just pushed those feelings away and eventually I would forget about it. It came and went from time to time. And a week or so ago, the feeling came back. And this time it came back full force, like I've never felt before. I think it was full force because for once, I didn't look up courses that was specialised in the sense that I would find a job in that field after I graduated. Instead, I looked up courses that I was interested in. So I looked at the Bachelor of Arts offered by Monash, and I was swept away. They offered many languages like SPANISH which I've always wanted to learn, and Korean, and Japanese. And the language subjects came together with units about their culture and tradition. And they also had a subject on the Holocaust and genocide. They had so many subjects that really made me so excited, thinking about the prospect of learning all that.
And I know this doesn't make much sense. But to me, my whole life has been about Science and memorising and passing exams. And I've slowly come to believe that I'm just an empty shell holding information that won't be of much use to anyone. I feel that science is so dry. I mean, it can be interesting and all that. But I really believe that it doesn't really enrich you in any way. Not like when you learn about other cultures, how other people live on the other side of the world, and what has happened to those people in the past. This kind of knowledge tells you so much about other people, other lifestyles. My gosh.. I really feel like it fills you up so much! Though I can't really explain why! I just feel that.. there's so much more to know about the world and the people living in it! And also, those social sciences I was looking at would require me to write many essays, and that would make me develop my critical thinking skills, and teach me how to form opinions. I felt that, if I took this degree, I would actually be learning. Like seriously, learning something that would let you see the world in a different light, which kind of changes your life too; instead of just memorising something and forgetting about it. It made me want to redo my education from the beginning and not be moulded by this "professional degrees give you the brightest future" mindset.
I talked to Shuen too, whom I met from Raleigh. She had done a year of Pharmacy, and then made a hundred and eighty degree turn and went ahead to do Politics, Philosophy and Economics. She said that it was one of the best decision she had ever made and said that she felt so much more alive and engaged doing this course, whereas she just felt like a dead fish struggling through Pharmacy. She said that if you were interested and passionate about something, that would be enough to pull you through even if that something was difficult. The uncertainty of my future with such an open-ended degree as well as the fear of not being able to make it cuz it's something that I'd never done before, all these were addressed by Shuen who had been through the same thing too.
And this sounds like I have decided to change my course. But in actual fact, I have decided to stay.
To be fair, I have to say that the trigger of my downy thoughts were my really bad test results. These results were from a continuous assessment for Neurophysiology. And it was really bad. Seriously like.. I'm not kidding when I say it was bad. I've never gotten results that bad before. And this. is. not. an. exaggeration! Ok. For my future self, I got twenty. nine. out of a hundred. It's highly shameful for someone who's always done really well in school. But it's my own fault anyway, so I shouldn't be too proud to not admit to this. This made me kind of depressed and probably caused me to start thinking negatively about my course. Granted, the test was held a day after an exam, and on the same day of another test. So I studied more for the others and neglected this one. But all in all, I felt like I had no drive anymore to study hard. Like I really had to force myself to study and it was always a drag. I felt like I was trying to drag my dead weight when I tried to force myself to study. So it was this reason that made me feel like this wasn't right for me. Why did it have to be such a struggle if this was the path that I'm supposed to take?
But anyway. After many many days of being confused and sad because I didn't know where my life was going, and also many days of researching and reading up about the Arts degree, I've decided to stay.
I think it was because of something that would seem really silly to you. Today, we were walking from one class to another. Yong, myself and Adib were walking tgth and we were just chatting and laughing as usual. Adib mentioned the UCC New Batch fb group that he had posted in before he arrived in Cork, and Yong had replied but Adib just brushed her off, looking for a senior dent instead. And it was so funny. We were teasing each other and we talked about how funny we were in first year, and how we would look like when we were in fifth year, looking back to our time spent in Cork. It was really great, and I felt that it would be so sad if I couldn't be a part of that. And also, that walk we had was really full of laughter and fun, it was really enjoyable and uplifting. Then I realised that if I kept myself in that kind of mood, I would be ok. Because good company and good friends are all I ever crave, and just time spent chatting, laughing, teasing and enjoying would lift me up into the clouds and empower me to go forward. This would really fuel me with a positive outlook, and allow me to face all the horrible studying head on.
Another reason was, Yong is, omg so corny, but she is really a blessing. Studying here would definitely be so much less tolerable without her. We both have the same humour. Normally I would be afraid to spend so much time with someone because I would usually get annoyed of some particular thing the person does or says a lot. But Yong spends so much time with me, camping out at my place during exam periods, and eating lunch tgth between classes, and I still don't hate her yet. Haha. She's not only easy to be with but she is also so caring. Like when I got the bad test results and when I was thinking of changing course, she helped me and supported me. Omg this is all so CORNY I think my eyes will bleed. But yea. Today we had a Pathology lecture, and the lecturer put so many pics in his notes. Like almost half of the notes were pictures. So before printing them, I took the pictures out and saved them in a separate document so that I could save my printer ink. At the lecture, Yong was sitting beside me. And as I took out my notes, I told her "oh I took out the pictures", and then she said "ME TOO". Haha. What are the odds? Seriously you know.
So. I decided to stay. Because, I already think we are quite alike in some aspects, but really, a friend like that, who is so in sync with you without even trying, is someone I don't want to lose. And these people are kind of the people whom I would happily invite to my wedding. You know that kind of thing? When you just get along and enjoy time with them? Why would I give that up? And also I know that if I just make an effort to be less depressing and talk more to people and chat more, have more fun times with the Malaysians, I would be able to empower myself with the positive thoughts. I think that as long as I don't have a negative outlook, and dread all the effort I have to put into to go to labs and study and such, I would be able to make it out alive without becoming a dead fish. I also have to think about the times I spent last summer with Jessie. Going to Tenom via the choo choo train and looking out the window to see the river and finding the not-well-known beach together. Knowing I have such a beautiful home to go to, and so much more to explore.. I don't know why. It just empowers me.
So basically. I have to just be positive. Make an effort to spend more time with the people, even if it means me spending time to cook so that everyone can come tgth to eat and chat. And maybe also taking up an evening language class too will make me feel like I'm learning something, even though our semester is so packed already.
I have just spent about 2 hours typing this, because whenever I feel like I want to quit again, I can just come back and read this and remind myself that. I just. Need. To Get. Off. My. Lazy. Bum and just be positive happy with where I am right now.
Haha.
Wed 10:15pm 15/12/2014
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