Hello. It been ages! Hahaha when will I stop saying that. Many things have happened. I just finished my exam yesterday, and with that as the special cherry topping, I think that all in all, this academic year has really been so tough. I don't really know where to start. So as always, I'll just follow my train of thought and see where that takes me, though usually I just end up with a really badly constructed blog post.
I feel that as we grow up, life constantly pushes us over the edge so that we are forced to stretch our wings and fly, even though our wings may still be growing and we are incapable of flight. It's like, whenever we reach another landing, life will push us over the edge again and again and no matter how tight we grasp onto the cliff edge with our fingers- and we may be able to cling on for a while- our fingers will eventually give way. Life forces us to grow up. It forces us to mature whether we like it or not. This academic year has been really tough. And I've talked about that feeling of fear in my heart that will make me kind of panic about wasting time and wasting my life- that fear of living an unfulfilled life. Right now it's really really strong in me, so much so that I can say happily that I've been doing things every day that I think are worth it, instead of wasting time watching shows all day.
So anyway. A bit about this year Sept 2013 to May 2014. First, my popo passed away. I won't lie and say that I was really close to my popo. But man, it was the first death of a close family member for me. And the thing I remember is looking at my dad and noticing his hunched shoulders, and feeling like he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was really tough, seeing him so broken and even seeing him cry too. It was then I realised how we were blessed to be reasonably family oriented- how there were so many happy memories made under the roof of my popo's house, the countless family dinners, good food and great company there. It was beautiful.
Second, I had Jason, then I lost him. It was tough. For so many years, through bitter experiences, I've told myself that I really have to stand on my own two feet and not rely on other people. And after graduating from high school, with everyone going their own ways, everyone getting on with their life and close friends go from the kind that talk every day to the kind that are totally comfortable with each other when they occasionally talk or meet, Jason was the one that was my pillar. I know it sounds kind of wrong the way I make it seem like he kind of.. you know.. made my life complete. I'm not saying he did, I'm saying he was my pillar. Whatever that means. The one I talked to whenever and wherever I was. I had slowly learnt to be ok with being alone, truly accepting that I was loved and that I didn't need the constant validation and communication with friends and family to know that. Then I lost him. And then I truly realised that I was just telling myself all of that and that I had no idea what it meant to really stand on my own two feet. I then learnt, in a... harsh way, what it meant to not rely on anyone but myself. It was tough. I reconnected with old friends whom I probably neglected throughout the years, and got closer to my family because of it all. And I can say I'm glad for that. But it remains a regret to have lost someone who meant so much to me.
And the final one, she was diagnosed with cancer. This woman who means the world to me. The one I can count on no matter what. Regardless of what she was feeling, she would always be there for me, and I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like without her. She called me to fly back to KL from Ireland, and after flights were booked, she told me that she was actually going for a mastectomy to remove a lump. Ok, fine. They caught it early. Regardless of that though, it was one of the most worrisome periods of my short life. Seriously. I wouldn't be able to sleep so many nights, and I cried so much that the pillows that caught my tears were a mess. It was really tough, and I remember the day of her surgery, she came out and every thing was okay and every thing was fine, and I was so exhausted from the little sleep I managed to get that after a few minutes of her getting back to her hospital room, I fell asleep in the spare bed, sleeping through the hoards of visitors that came as well as the chatter and laughter that continued for many hours.
But it didn't end there. It wasn't benign, it was malignant. It was cancer. They talked about statistics too- the 5-year life expectancy and the 10-year one, and how the percentage would drop going from the former to the latter. That seriously freaked me out, thinking of how there was a chance that she wouldn't be here in ten years time. Sheesh man, I would only be 31, that's crazy to lose her at that age! (TOUCH WOOD). It's all crazy. Until now, it still feels so surreal. They've been trying to raise awareness for cancer for so many years. You hear about the touching stories, you read the shared articles on Facebook and watch the shared videos, books and movies have been made where the hero or heroin has cancer... but we feel so untouchable, especially in a country like Malaysia where no one really talks about cancer. We feel like it's something that happens on the other side of the world, and yet it happened right in front of me. It's crazy. And sometimes I ask the darnedest question: why us?
After weeks of teetering on the fence as to whether or not to do chemo, she has decided to go ahead with it, which is what I was hoping for at first. But now I'm not so sure. It scares me like no one else's business. It scares me to the core. The kind of fear that shakes me to my bones. She's always been this really strong, independent woman. The type that enters the room in a whirlwind. The one who speaks and gets heard. She's fast on her feet, she gets things done. Once, I was lying in bed, exhausted from exams, and I asked her cheekily to wash my hands for me, thinking that it was an impossible feat, because I was in bed and she would definitely not carry me to the toilet for me to wash my hands. I had expected her to tell me to just get up and get moving. But instead, she went and got a wash cloth, wet it with the tap, and wiped my hands for me. She made the impossible all possible. And I fear that chemo will change her. Take away her ability to be independent and I don't know what will happen to her. I'm just so scared. With all that "fear of an unfulfilled life", this has truly made me jump out of my chair. She told me after her diagnosis that we have to stop worrying and really live life, do the things we want to do. It's basically stuff that I've already known, but have never really understood. How you say "YOLO" and "we only have one life", but still spend all day just watching some drama series you know? And recently I showed her a picture of me and some Irish dim sum I was having and I said "Having sad dim sum here in Ireland". She then said that we should always appreciate and never compare. We need to live life momentarily and enjoy what's around us. All this happened during my exam period. I was back in KL during study month and only flew back to Ireland two days before my first paper. And of course, I was so caught up with worry back in KL that I got so little studying done. And though I'm so happy to have finished exams, I honestly don't know whether I've passed all my papers. And it sucks, because I know there's no one else to blame but myself, and I know that if I fail, she would blame herself for making me go back to KL and she definitely does not need that right now. It really does suck. Results will come out soon and I just pray that I will somehow pass by the grace of God, for I have never been so unprepared for exams in my life and I just really don't want her to worry. But whatever happens, I know it was through no one's fault but mine.
So now since I've finished my exams, I really do at least one productive thing in a day and try and get out and get my blood pumping, having also vowed to live healthy, stop eating maggie and all that. It really is the fear in my heart that literally makes me jump out of bed. I would get some exercise done on alternate days, and it may be very very little exercise to some of you, but compared to how much I've done this past year, it's already off the charts! I go out with friends, go to town and shop though I don't buy anything, go and eat out, do some packing for when I move out, read a little, and enjoy an episode of Criminal Minds. I think about what Jessie said to me last time, "Today is my last day", and now I understand it more than ever. I still have that fear and worry constantly egging me at the back of my mind. I'm really worried about finances too because I can't imagine how much chemo would cost, as well as all the consultation fees, and the flights to see the oncologists. It's crazy. So I'm also thinking of getting a job next year.
The days are going by slowly, and that's a good sign because it means I'm making use of them. But when I look back, I can't believe it's still the same year. So much has changed, and I feel like I've aged so much. And I'm still learning, learning how to be more appreciative of myself, learning how to stand on my own two feet, learning how to be comfortable with who I am, and just learning how to deal and how to get by today to get to the next. It's tough and I still have bad days where I don't know what to do and don't know what's going to happen and my pillow soaks up my tears. And I think everyone is scared too but we all want to put up a strong front, yet we know that the other person has tears at the back of their eyes but we're holding them back. Ugh. It's seriously just.. so surreal. I'm off to bed now. I don't really know how to end this post. I guess. The way we live today is the what our life would look like when we look back. And hopefully, from where I will stand in the future, it'll look amazing.
What is the meaning of life? It's a riddle that we all, hopefully, will answer for ourselves as we continue living.
Wed 21/5/14 23:15
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