Princess

I try not to blog about really personal things here. But sometimes I do, sometimes I put up personal thoughts here. But the reason why I blog at all, is so I can preserve my memories and not let it just dissolve into nothingness. Memories are precious to me. I want to remember. Memories can make us learn from our mistakes, make us stronger (or so they say), give us some idea of what made us who we are today, or just let us laugh along with it, if only for a little while, to something that happened in the past. So I have blogged, or will blog about things that I'm embarrassed of, things that will make you think badly of me, things that hurt my pride, but things that are true. I have to put on this 'thick skin' to blog about things like that, pretend it doesn't hurt me, pretend I can face it. But can I really? FACE IT, you typical, foolish geek!

I really want to make things new. How much A has suffered, A doesn't deserve it. How things have been, it's just stupid. All unsolved because of pride and stubbornness! But I'm at fault too. Ever since I've been here in Aus, every time I feel overwhelmed and stressed and just so ARGH!, I picture myself lying on my back on the floor of this carpeted study room, arm spread to each side and just.. lying there. That's what I picture myself doing now. It's just stupid!

I've said before: I just get put off by people who know of their own mistakes, but don't change. If they just BACKED OFF sometimes, things may be better, at least a little.

I'm so tired. I'm worried and stressed about the coming together of my whole family after a long time of it only being bits and pieces of my family being together. We have each changed and how well do we know of each others' habits and personalities? Will we be able to adapt to each others' company in this small house? Or will our patience all run low and it'll blow up like it always does because of our pride and stubbornness.

After all the stupid things I've done, after the way I've treated A, I really, really, really close my eyes, and hope that everything will be okay, that everyone will just relax and be more flexible and just back off and let go. Seriously.

I'm such a bad person. How could I do such things?

"Who do you think you are? Princess ah?"

Youngest of the family, stupidest, most useless, laziest.

Yes. I'm a foolish, useless princess.