Hole in heart.

=( Leepei didn't get into the state team. I'm so sad for her, seriously! And the worst part is, (I think it's the worst) Jia Xin got in. Congrats to her and all, but it's worse when someone gets in, but you don't, worse than no one getting in at all. Thinking of the 'what could have been' stuff. So yea, she went to the toilet during Add. Maths today, and I looked out the window and Jay Ng, Stefan and Sucy were on the corridor talking solemnly. Then when she came back she stopped to talk to them. I was watching her, my heart tightened, I guessed what they were talking about. I hoped with all my heart that she would get in. Then she walked about two steps away from them towards the class, turned to her right (where the railing is, our class is on her left) and stood at the railing looking out at the field. I guessed I knew the answer, but I was not so sure. My heart was going 'no, no, no, don't let it be that way'. Jay said something to her, she just shook her head and walked back to the class. She started crying then.

I'm so, so sad for her! She worked so hard, she trained everyday since before interschool. Missed school for more than a week, leaving class early for training, and then it's a no. She the only one on the team in Science Stream, and she's not a genius, the amount of classes she missed, with exams only next week! Will she be able to get through the exams? If she got in, she wouldn't need to take exams. But now, just arriving back from Kudat (inter district) with the rest of the team yesterday, she's not in the State Team, and she's going to be sitting for her exams on Monday. I'm so sad for her, seriously. She was telling me when she was crying, If I knew I wouldn't have gone to Daerah, in the end it amounts to nothing, I didn't get chosen, I have to sit for exams, it was all a waste of time.
It's not a waste of time. Having the opportunity to participate in these things, it's definitely only a once a year thing. Exams come and go. But these competitions, not everyone can have a chance like that.

They got 4th in Daerah, guys didn't get into semi. They were all so sad, crying too. Jay said, it was his last year. She still has next year. But knowing she got in the team last year, it's even worse! But it's true, her volleyb journey ends here for this year. I'm seriously so sad! Seeing her cry and saying it's a waste of time, knowing she'll have to struggle for exams and knowing it won't end well, knowing she worked so hard and sacrificed so much, for what? For what? I think that's not really correct. For the memories, for the interschool- the winning feeling after losing last year, for first Daerah- the winning feeling, the best thing part of the game, for second Daerah (two daerah competitions, first in Tuaran, second in Kudat)- the memories, just being able to be there. That's worth it. Don't forget what happened before, all the happy memories, winning each match, don't only remember the saddest part of it- the end.

The very worst part is, nothing can be done to make it better. Only time. How horrible is that?

Sigh, my heart really feels a sadness that I can't find words for. All I hope is that time would help as much as it can. I hope it won't take long. Leepei! Me and Tur will be here! Be happy! We don't care if you don't smile, just be happy!

=(