Busy-ness

As I organised my photos, and came across old photos of my 2nd year life, the 4th year me realised that I never ever take pictures like that anymore. 

What happened? 

I never have moments where I felt super happy which was followed by having the urge to snap a picture to capture it. Or maybe I've forgotten how to savour them. It's probably also because we're so busy now. 

We don't have back to back lectures where we can chill in between lectures and chat; we don't leave lectures together, walking back together because now we always have some place else to be. When we finish lectures, we either rush off to clinics or for lunch because we have clinics after. Everyone's finished at different times of the day, maybe you could wait but you're so tired after the day you just want to get home. 

Wow. What has my life become. I used to be the one snapping pictures so often. Just of random people, of random moments. "We're so busy now"- is that really an acceptable reason? :( 

STOP GIRL, and LOOK UP! 

Sunday 6/12/15 01:29

The Past

Today has been a series of events that led up to a moment where... I have to let go. 

I found out a few days ago that my ex has a new girl. I know that it's normal for it to upsetting, but I guess I wasn't expecting myself to be as upset as I was- and why? I don't even know. Even though I don't miss him or anything anymore, and I haven't gotten sad when the thought of him popped into my mind, if I were brutally honest with myself, maybe.. just maybe.. some part of me was still entertaining the idea that one day we'll get back together? I don't know really. But anyway, as I found out how the new girl looked like (IKR, self torture helloooo), it really bummed me out. And I know I know, I would tell myself- we wouldn't have worked out together anyway etc etc etc, but even then, feelings are feelings and I guess I never really knew how to control them. 

On a completely unrelated note, I decided to sort out some of the pictures in my phone because my memory was running out. That led to me sorting out the unsorted pictures that I had in my laptop as well. I'm not even halfway done yet. But I came across some old pictures of when we were together. (Which BTW just goes to show how many years worth of pictures I have to go through :/). It was in a folder that had your name on it. And I looked through some of the pictures, looked at the face I used to know so so well. I contemplated deleting these photos. But I knew that I wouldn't forgive myself for trying to erase a moment of my life. (Since I believe that, foolish as it may be, that no matter what happens to us, the bad things as well as the good things, these make up our life, these make US up.) And so, I changed the name of the folder to The Past. And nowwww I hope that I will get over this bummer- for YOU ARE IN THE PAST. 

blah 

Sunday 6/12/15 01:19  

Productive Monday!

So today, I woke up, prepared minced pork to be used as dumpling fillings- put celery, onions, garlic and seasoning into it. Then called home, cuz it's dad's birthday!!! But they were busy eating steamboat at ms. lim's place. MISS THAT SO MUCH. And then got ready for a run outside cuz today was the one nice day amidst a full week of incessant rain. It's already begun to rain and it should be like that for the next few days too. 

Then I got back, took a long shower, put mask treatment in my hair and body buttered my limbs after. Did my laundry, and started wrapping the dumplings. And now I'm broken and tired and going to bed. The dumplings were kinda disappointing. The siew mais I made last time were much better. I just didn't season it well enough, totes needs more salt. So sad!!!! :( But my meal was yum though- had eggplant and minced pork with dark soy sauce, the dumplings, rice and chilli padi. Yummm. 

The run was really really good too! I used the nike+ running app for the first time and I could see how far I've run and such, so with a target in my mind, I actually ran 5 miles which is about 8km and that's the distance I'll have to be running in the marathon relay! So excited, didn't know I could do it. It took me 1 hour and 10 minutes. So hopefully my next run will be under an hour. Excited!! Gonna go look at some cheap flights and go to bed. Mum said I can't go to iran even though Pouya will be there which is so sad. When will I ever get to go to a country like that? :( But all in all, great day! I got sunburnt too. 

Haha omg, I should also mention how ridiculously embarrassing and funny yesterday was- THE BREAD MAN! Hopefully I'll talk about that soon. For now, nights!!! 

Mon 22:38 4/5/15

Open Heart

Every time I start a post, I always exclaim how long it's been since I've done a post. It's come to the point where I think I should just accept that I don't blog regularly. Haha. But still, I am telling myself that I should start doing it regularly. Think about all the amazing life moments that I've experienced and will forget if I don't do this! 

Quick update: Just finished our written examinations for 3rd year! Cray! (Cray is a thing now, cuz crazy is just too long to say haha). And naturally, during the exam period, I found myself visiting my own blog which I haven't done in a long long time.. cz powers of procrastination are too strong. :P And reading a new friend, Gen-from-Singapore's, blog about her exchange in Europe made me really feel like I was missing out if I didn't jot down my memories one way or another. So here I am. 

I've changed the look of the blog finally! Goodbye to crazy colours, (red and yellow.. geez I was exuberant) and hello to the side of me that likes sweet feminine things too. Hahaha. And I've changed my url now from Strive to Open Heart. I think after going through that tough time, breaking up with someone so close to me and mum being sick, I really really pushed myself to stand on my own two feet, be the best I can be, go go go and not waste time. But in doing so, I actually slowly tried my best to not rely on others, to try and my find my own happiness and my own self you know? Like in trying to find my happiness and independence, I unknowingly put up walls around myself and kept other people out because I had to do it myself if that makes any sense at all. Then came my birthday, and man, the amount of love I got was really really surprising (which is kind of sad) and touching. I got calls and messages from close friends and not so close friends, some whom I haven't spoken to for a long time even. And then it hit me: I don't need to do it all on my own. There are so many people around who love me and have my back. I don't have to be so strong all the time, fighting to be happy and not waste time and live life. 

So yea. Now, at age 22, I want to learn how to have an open heart. To let people in, to be kind, to not have judgements, to not be calculative, to always be kind and generous and forthcoming. Too easily I get tired and lazy and just keep conversations to the bare minimum when I can contribute so much more if I just put more of my heart into it, too easily I get competitive or jealous or selfish which happens more than I like to admit. I want to be the kind of person whom when people meet, they'll know I've been touched by God. (omg so corny). But it's true. I wanna be a person who exudes.... selflessness I guess. I want to have an open heart. :) 

It's really late now so I'm off to bed. Can't wait to get this ball rolling again! 

Fri 1/5/15 1:44am

Spanish!

Dear future me, 

Please look up Spanish language classes or Certificate in Arts!!!! 

Ps. I hope you're happy. Don't be complacent! Be empowered! 

22/1/14 Wed 23:44 

Poised and Elegant Like A Flower Dancing In The Wind

So ystd I went to watch the new x men. The days of future past. Which was absolutely amazing btw. we went to Mahon shopping mall where they have an imax theatre there, which was where our movie was showing. so naturally, as the movie was still pretty new, the cinema lobby was pretty packed before the movie, with a long queue to buy lollies and popcorn. Over here, the lolly section is separate to the popcorn section, but you pay for the lollies tgth with the popcorn at the popcorn section. So you basically pick your lollies and scoop them into a bag and go over to pay at the popcorn section. So my friends joined the queue for the popcorn, while myself and my other friend went to pick lollies and chocolate yumzzz. We took quite a while and when we were done, I took the pretty full bag of lollies and then I turned around. I saw my friends who were half way through the line already. So I thought, 'why not give them the lollies and ask them to pay for it first, and ask them to get my popcorn, so that my friend and I won't need to queue from the start since the line is pretty long'. I thought it was a magnificent idea so I got so excited at my brilliant stroke of intelligence. So I rushed over to them, my gaze clearly focused on them, my momentum sky rocketed. Then it happened. I walked into this sign thingy that was heavy. You know those signs they put outside cafes and restaurants, with the menus written on them or their logo printed on them? The ones that are like knee high?? UGH. I WALKED INTO it and my momentum caused me to keep going even though there was an obstacle blocking me. The sign was pretty heavy too so it didn't knock over, it just kinda moved forward together with me, giving me no place to put my foot to steady myself. UGH. So I basically waltzed and tangoed with the sign for a while. It was in front of this huge queue too! Everyone was looking at me as I made a fool out of myself trying to not fall over. THEN, I dropped the bag of candy. OMGGGGGG. My friends burst out laughing. UGH. Seriously. I even caught the eyes of a few strangers. WHEEEEEE.

and THAT'S the story describing how I pick up guys with my amazing alluring charm.

also today in town, I was drinking hot chocolate out of a take away cup, the ones with those small sip holes. And I was listening to a friend speak, and I raised the cup to my mouth, not realising that the sip hole was NOT in line with my mouth, and proceeded to pour hot chocolate onto my face and jacket. UGH. then the worst is, my friend consoled me as if he was consoling a kid who fell of his bike. he said 'don't worry don't worry. these things happen', then handed me a tissue. HAHAHA. ugh. seriously. i'm a pure charmer yo ;) 

Sun 23:00 25/5/14

Boy, How Life Has Changed.

Hello. It been ages! Hahaha when will I stop saying that. Many things have happened. I just finished my exam yesterday, and with that as the special cherry topping, I think that all in all, this academic year has really been so tough. I don't really know where to start. So as always, I'll just follow my train of thought and see where that takes me, though usually I just end up with a really badly constructed blog post. 

I feel that as we grow up, life constantly pushes us over the edge so that we are forced to stretch our wings and fly, even though our wings may still be growing and we are incapable of flight. It's like, whenever we reach another landing, life will push us over the edge again and again and no matter how tight we grasp onto the cliff edge with our fingers- and we may be able to cling on for a while- our fingers will eventually give way. Life forces us to grow up. It forces us to mature whether we like it or not. This academic year has been really tough. And I've talked about that feeling of fear in my heart that will make me kind of panic about wasting time and wasting my life- that fear of living an unfulfilled life. Right now it's really really strong in me, so much so that I can say happily that I've been doing things every day that I think are worth it, instead of wasting time watching shows all day. 

So anyway. A bit about this year Sept 2013 to May 2014. First, my popo passed away. I won't lie and say that I was really close to my popo. But man, it was the first death of a close family member for me. And the thing I remember is looking at my dad and noticing his hunched shoulders, and feeling like he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was really tough, seeing him so broken and even seeing him cry too. It was then I realised how we were blessed to be reasonably family oriented- how there were so many happy memories made under the roof of my popo's house, the countless family dinners, good food and great company there. It was beautiful. 

Second, I had Jason, then I lost him. It was tough. For so many years, through bitter experiences, I've told myself that I really have to stand on my own two feet and not rely on other people. And after graduating from high school, with everyone going their own ways, everyone getting on with their life and close friends go from the kind that talk every day to the kind that are totally comfortable with each other when they occasionally talk or meet, Jason was the one that was my pillar. I know it sounds kind of wrong the way I make it seem like he kind of.. you know.. made my life complete. I'm not saying he did, I'm saying he was my pillar. Whatever that means. The one I talked to whenever and wherever I was. I had slowly learnt to be ok with being alone, truly accepting that I was loved and that I didn't need the constant validation and communication with friends and family to know that. Then I lost him. And then I truly realised that I was just telling myself all of that and that I had no idea what it meant to really stand on my own two feet. I then learnt, in a... harsh way, what it meant to not rely on anyone but myself. It was tough. I reconnected with old friends whom I probably neglected throughout the years, and got closer to my family because of it all. And I can say I'm glad for that. But it remains a regret to have lost someone who meant so much to me. 

And the final one, she was diagnosed with cancer. This woman who means the world to me. The one I can count on no matter what. Regardless of what she was feeling, she would always be there for me, and I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like without her. She called me to fly back to KL from Ireland, and after flights were booked, she told me that she was actually going for a mastectomy to remove a lump. Ok, fine. They caught it early. Regardless of that though, it was one of the most worrisome periods of my short life. Seriously. I wouldn't be able to sleep so many nights, and I cried so much that the pillows that caught my tears were a mess. It was really tough, and I remember the day of her surgery, she came out and every thing was okay and every thing was fine, and I was so exhausted from the little sleep I managed to get that after a few minutes of her getting back to her hospital room, I fell asleep in the spare bed, sleeping through the hoards of visitors that came as well as the chatter and laughter that continued for many hours. 

But it didn't end there. It wasn't benign, it was malignant. It was cancer. They talked about statistics too- the 5-year life expectancy and the 10-year one, and how the percentage would drop going from the former to the latter. That seriously freaked me out, thinking of how there was a chance that she wouldn't be here in ten years time. Sheesh man, I would only be 31, that's crazy to lose her at that age! (TOUCH WOOD). It's all crazy. Until now, it still feels so surreal. They've been trying to raise awareness for cancer for so many years. You hear about the touching stories, you read the shared articles on Facebook and watch the shared videos, books and movies have been made where the hero or heroin has cancer... but we feel so untouchable, especially in a country like Malaysia where no one really talks about cancer. We feel like it's something that happens on the other side of the world, and yet it happened right in front of me. It's crazy. And sometimes I ask the darnedest question: why us? 

After weeks of teetering on the fence as to whether or not to do chemo, she has decided to go ahead with it, which is what I was hoping for at first. But now I'm not so sure. It scares me like no one else's business. It scares me to the core. The kind of fear that shakes me to my bones. She's always been this really strong, independent woman. The type that enters the room in a whirlwind. The one who speaks and gets heard. She's fast on her feet, she gets things done. Once, I was lying in bed, exhausted from exams, and I asked her cheekily to wash my hands for me, thinking that it was an impossible feat, because I was in bed and she would definitely not carry me to the toilet for me to wash my hands. I had expected her to tell me to just get up and get moving. But instead, she went and got a wash cloth, wet it with the tap, and wiped my hands for me. She made the impossible all possible. And I fear that chemo will change her. Take away her ability to be independent and I don't know what will happen to her. I'm just so scared. With all that "fear of an unfulfilled life", this has truly made me jump out of my chair. She told me after her diagnosis that we have to stop worrying and really live life, do the things we want to do. It's basically stuff that I've already known, but have never really understood. How you say "YOLO" and "we only have one life", but still spend all day just watching some drama series you know? And recently I showed her a picture of me and some Irish dim sum I was having and I said "Having sad dim sum here in Ireland". She then said that we should always appreciate and never compare. We need to live life momentarily and enjoy what's around us. All this happened during my exam period. I was back in KL during study month and only flew back to Ireland two days before my first paper. And of course, I was so caught up with worry back in KL that I got so little studying done. And though I'm so happy to have finished exams, I honestly don't know whether I've passed all my papers. And it sucks, because I know there's no one else to blame but myself, and I know that if I fail, she would blame herself for making me go back to KL and she definitely does not need that right now. It really does suck. Results will come out soon and I just pray that I will somehow pass by the grace of God, for I have never been so unprepared for exams in my life and I just really don't want her to worry. But whatever happens, I know it was through no one's fault but mine. 

So now since I've finished my exams, I really do at least one productive thing in a day and try and get out and get my blood pumping, having also vowed to live healthy, stop eating maggie and all that. It really is the fear in my heart that literally makes me jump out of bed. I would get some exercise done on alternate days, and it may be very very little exercise to some of you, but compared to how much I've done this past year, it's already off the charts! I go out with friends, go to town and shop though I don't buy anything, go and eat out, do some packing for when I move out, read a little, and enjoy an episode of Criminal Minds. I think about what Jessie said to me last time, "Today is my last day", and now I understand it more than ever. I still have that fear and worry constantly egging me at the back of my mind. I'm really worried about finances too because I can't imagine how much chemo would cost, as well as all the consultation fees, and the flights to see the oncologists. It's crazy. So I'm also thinking of getting a job next year. 

The days are going by slowly, and that's a good sign because it means I'm making use of them. But when I look back, I can't believe it's still the same year. So much has changed, and I feel like I've aged so much. And I'm still learning, learning how to be more appreciative of myself, learning how to stand on my own two feet, learning how to be comfortable with who I am, and just learning how to deal and how to get by today to get to the next. It's tough and I still have bad days where I don't know what to do and don't know what's going to happen and my pillow soaks up my tears. And I think everyone is scared too but we all want to put up a strong front, yet we know that the other person has tears at the back of their eyes but we're holding them back. Ugh. It's seriously just.. so surreal. I'm off to bed now. I don't really know how to end this post. I guess. The way we live today is the what our life would look like when we look back. And hopefully, from where I will stand in the future, it'll look amazing. 





What is the meaning of life? It's a riddle that we all, hopefully, will answer for ourselves as we continue living. 


Wed 21/5/14 23:15