Outrageous!

TWO DOWN, TWO TO GO!!!!!!!!! The anatomy test was today, considering how much I studied, the fact that I basically crammed everything last night, I'm quite happy with the test. It was easier than I expected it to be and I think I did pretty well. Hehe. Thank you God, for giving me the strength to stay awake till 5am. T.T But see. Pushing yourself and working hard, at the end of the day, no one cares whether you didn't sleep at all or that you had twenty cans of redbull or cups of coffee to help you through the studying, no one cares if you stayed in the library overnight or whatever. At the end of the day, it's the results that count. 

Yesterday, there was this exhibition thingy in conjunction with International Cultures Week. Adib, Yong, Wani and I went to check it out (cuz we heard there would be food there!). :P So there were Malaysian, Russian, Nigerian and Indian stands in the hall. The Malaysian stand was actually pretty impressive lo. They had a rack of traditional clothing, lots of interesting information and myths and stuff stuck on the wall, booklets of like customs and songs and stuff, and the traditional games too. Congkak, and the 5 stones game or something, hopscotch, and a skipping rope made of rubber bands. Haha remember those? The Indian stall had food and it was sooooo good. The Malaysian food wasn't allowed up there because it was too heavy or something, or it wasn't insured because it was home cooked you know? But yea. People started coming in and they were playing the games and they tried on the baju kurungs and baju melayus. They were jumping rope and stuff. It was so good! We went to check out all the stands and the Nigerian one was so cool! Their traditional costumes so nice and colourful. And their games didn't need any instruments or anything, just themselves. It was soooo fun watching them play you know. They're such awesome, coordinated, free people! I wanna be Nigerian too. Haha. They had this game where it's like "gu ji ba (stone scissors paper)" but using their feet, with 4 different positions, and with a pretty fast beat they had to follow and made by clapping their hands. So fun oh. Then we finally went downstairs to where the food was. 

There was loads of food oh!!! At first we didn't really wanna take any cuz we were Malaysian and it was supposed to be for other people to try our food right. But I didn't know more than half of the dishes (because they were all Malay dishes) so Adib made me try some. Lompat tikam, the dessert, was SOOOO NICE. The green jelly, red sticky rice, coconut cream thingy? and gula melaka. Tried lontong, the tofu vegetarian curry thing? Haha and we stayed there for AGES man. Like for about 2 hours or so we just stood there and took little food here and there. Chatted loadssss in the cold and just joked around. It was really enjoyable loooo!! Very fun! In the end we had all the food. Ketupat, satay sauce, chicken curry, nasi lemak with the boiled egg, curry puff, and a weird bun. Hahaha. Kinda felt bad but hey. At least we know how to appreciate it. Oh, apparently Adib posted on my class' dentistry fb group and invited them to go have a taste of Malaysia or something. And he said to "take a chill pill from Dr. Toulouse's anatomy". HAHAHAHA OMG. We kept going on about how no one ever says take a chill pill anymore and kept giving him grief about it. It was so funny. 

PJ and David came over. That was kinda nice of them. David enjoyed the food I think but PJ didn't really. I was having loads of fun so I was being really myself, the uninhibited, hyper me. And we were all talking and the subject of us (the Malaysians) staying in Ireland for 5 years came up and we were saying like, oh, 5 years is such a long time. Then PJ said, "ah it'll be fine. You all are such good friends amongst yourselves anyway". And being myself, I put on that sarcastic tone and said like, "oh yeaaaaaaa. *glance at Yong* Sure. We're greeeeat friends. Great friends indeed". And I could see PJ just staring at me. ................................................... ~awkward~.

I mean seriously. That got me thinking lo. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy am I sooo.... Unfeminine and so outrageous and LOLLLLLLLL and rough and loud and sarcastic?!?!?!?! SERIOUSLY. I think that lots of people don't get me lo, and they'll just be put off by me cuz I'm like so forward or talkative or whatever. I don't even know what I am. But just. Ugh. Tbh, I was kinda embarrassed lo. Some people don't get my humour or sarcasm and think I'm being serious and then I wanna strangle myself for being so ridiculous. -.-------------- I think that Spongebob influenced me too much as a child. 

Btw, this video is awesome! PEACE OUT PEEPS!



00:17 1/3/12 (OMG IT'S MARCH!) Fri

Comrades!

Heya! Yesterday after lectures I went to the library to study a little. After a couple of hours, I got hungry so I decided to leave the library. As I was leaving the reading room, going through the corridor outside that leads to the stairs to the main library, I met Mohammad, my coursemate. He's done a degree before in Pharmacy and he's always the one who answers questions. He's married and everything la. I haven't really spoken much to him but when I do, it's always been good conversations cuz he's knows how to joke around. So yea, I met him and we talked a bit. He asked me how I was doing and he seemed really concerned about how I was finding the course and everything. I guess he was asking because right now it's like, we're in a battle zone with all tests and the upcoming exam. Everyone is working really hard, and everyone (except those super smart ones like Yong, probably) (hahaha) is finding it really tough. Including myself. But anywho. Because he was at the library with Pouya (the London dude), I asked him about it and he said that he's trying to make Pouya study because Pouya was really distracted. That was really kind of him lo. And when we ended the conversation, he said that if I had any problems, we could always do a study group kind of thing. I don't know. That kind of touched me lo. Like he's so thoughtful and concerned about everyone. :) 

I guess, in a warzone, you become comrades even if you're not really friends. :) 

Btw. I've been finding it really tough, like I mentioned before. How I lost myself. And I sort of gave in yesterday. I put in my earphones and played some hillsongs, looked up the lyrics and just tried to find some meaning in them, tried to ask God for help. Cried a bit, and just listened and sang. Then I put everything away and started working. And I felt like my old self that, still gets distracted really easily, but that's actually capable of doing work. I don't know, maybe it was just me knowing that time is seriously seriously what I don't have and that I absolutely HAD to get a move on, or maybe it was God's grace, giving my some inner peace? Who knows. But I just hope it continues anyway. :) 

Know His power, in quietness and trust. I will be still and know You are Lord! 

When times get tough, don't forget that God is there with you, don't forget to surrender to God and pray, recognising that He has a plan and that He has not abandoned you. :) 

13:57 Tue 26/2/13

Letting Weakness Win.

I remember in Raleigh, we were in the first week or two of the project phase in this really isolated place, where there's no running water, no electricity, no phone reception, no relief from the heat. It was just hard labour every day. I don't think I minded that very much. It was just the rules that made me want to strangle myself. All the really really tedious rules and everything about health and safety. Omg. The long-o-clock rule was the absolute worst, the hardest one to get used to. Where you absolutely had to get into longs (long sleeved shirt, long pants and socks) at 6pm every evening, even if you hadn't had a shower and are sticky and sweaty all over, even if the sunset hadn't really made it that much cooler at all. It was tough. The second rule that I think was the hardest to get used to was the always wear shoes rules no matter what. That meant even if you were going into a waterfall or whatever. Shoes or sandals must be worn. It's just so frustrating. I guess the fact that Malaysians have never been the type that really stuck to rules didn't help at all. Well, at least my whole experience going to school has been about bending the rules or just flat out breaking them. 

Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the physical challenge, I enjoyed the hard work. But the rules were really suffocating me. And the fact that the other Malaysian guy, Daryl, was really finding it tough to follow the rules kinda made me more annoyed by it. Cuz when other people suffer, I feel it too. But anywho. We were considering going home after the project phase was over, and not participating in the adventure phase. I guess it was cuz we were both from KK, and we could just call up our mums and ask them to pick drive down and pick us up. It was so easy for us to go home. And I remember that I wanted SO BADLY to go see Denise, because she was home from KL but because I joined Raleigh, I wasn't going to get a chance to even see her at all before she had to go back there again. So yea, it was so so so tempting to give up. But of course, in the end we both decided to stay. 

And closer to the end of project phase, I was talking to Dec (from Reading) and this subject about going home came up. And I think I asked him whether he would pack up and go home if it wasn't a 15 hour flight home, but just like a couple of hours drive. He said, "Of course not. Because then you'd feel like crap. Cuz you'll be thinking, 'what if I stayed till the end, what would it have been like'". I dunno. It might not make sense to you, but. To a person who's quit stuff before, who has thought about quitting stuff even now, that's just such a simple reason to not let your weakness win. 

00:09 Tue 26/2/13

Lent.

Went to church today. I was feeling reallllllyyyyy exhausted from the late night before and also because coffee always makes me feel bad and I had one and a half cups of strong black coffee then, not cuz I wanted to stay awake. But because of... constipation. :P hahaha. Cuz, as we learnt in Raleigh, coffee is a natural laxative. ^_^ haha. So yea. was feeling like crap. And Denise said that's cuz I'm full of crap. HAHA. Can't blame her for saying that, kinda true. :P (See Dummy? I'm always shooooooo forgiving). But yea. I was too tired to really remember what the sermon was about. The priest said something about how the light of the divine is in every single one of us, depends if we choose it or not. That we have the potential? But then modern society, with all the temptations and just how life has become, dampens our potential, diverts us from being the best we can be or something la. Kinda true. Media, the world being so full of sex and drugs and alcohol, all those things are distractions I guess. And it's so hard to be good. :/ But anywhooooo. After communion when we were kneeling and praying, a 5th year dentistry senior, Erica, started crying while she was praying. Wow. My heart went out to her man. She didn't say anything about it after that la. But she was sobbing, not just quiet tears. (On a side note, unfair that she didn't turn red-faced, blotchy, ugly, after-crying face like me. UGHHHHH. She looked perfectly fine after that -.-). But yea. I was beside her and I was praying and just. I dunno. You never know what people are going through. Just pray she will be ok la. Reminded me of how I always get touched by the message in the sermon and kinda tear up sometimes, and how I cried last time during church in Dublin like a kid. Sad. I guess I was really sad and worried. Hope everything is ok for her. And then. After church I don't know. Maybe it's also because of my exhaustion as well, but I felt so hopeless. So lost oh. I've lost myself. :( Who have I become? This person who really can't sit still and study properly. So distracted and unfocused and... lost. I'm not saying exaggerating or saying all these to be like, oh woe is me I can't study. I've always been a daydreamer, could never really study for an hour without my mind wandering off and daydreaming a couple of times. But it's never been this bad. I can't take anything in, I don't know what I'm doing. Genuinely worried that I'm going to fail. And like for the biochem test we had last Thursday, I made a few mistakes that I know of, but even on the day of the test itself and the night before too, I was still so halfhearted, not entirely sure what I was doing, not entirely focused. I just feel like I don't know what ground I'm standing on. Feel so distant from God as well. I tried listening to Christian songs, but it's like. I'm just not connecting to Him. Or maybe I'm just not trying hard enough cuz my mind is not fully present.  

And really, something has got to change. It has to. During the course of lunch at Banna Thai with Paul, Erica, Catrin, Sean, Chris, Anita and Vincent, I've decided that, during this lent season, I will give up some things. I will give up: chocolate, crisps, Facebook, my guitar, and sleeping in (because I always abuse the snooze button on my phone till it's just enough time for me to get ready for lectures). Lent is about resisting temptations. Chocolate I know I can live without. But my guitar, Facebook, and gosh, sleep, these things are so distracting and I know I can waste less time on these. And Cat also talked about taking up something. (Joked about giving up chocolate and taking up koropok haha). I guess I'll take up myself. While I try hard to resist all these temptations, I will try and get back on track and find myself. Really. Things have got to change. 

I'm gonna take a nap and then study. Hope everyone everywhere is ok, and not feeling as lost and directionless and hopeless as me. Happy chap goh mei too yo. :) :) 

16:41 Sun 24/2/13

Worries.

Honestly. How many times can something go wrong while I'm here? I've been to the doctor once, been sick twice (as in, green mucus sick), got a wisdom tooth infection and was put on antibiotics. Now I have a sinus problem that doesn't seem to be going away. And today in the shower, I washed my neck just like any other shower and realised that I have a painful swelling in my neck, slightly towards the right, under my jaw. Seriously. What is wrong with me!! I'm actually quite worried about this swelling though. Hmm, it's not really a swelling. More like a bump. :/ Lymph node? Submandibular gland? sighsighsighsigh. I really can't wait to go home and jut BE WELL. Haha not complaining or anything. Just. Worried. Will see the doctor on Monday if it's still there. :( 

My body is rejecting Ireland. -.-

00:35 Sun 24/2/13

Strength.

Absolutely LOVE this blog too. It's so hilarious and true, yet so tough and strong! :) 

I don't know, this post really spoke to me. Feels like what Denise tells me, to be my own man. :)
And this is just the resounding words that spoke to me. Sounds like Denise, to be honest, but just way more well-spoken and eloquent. And maybe more compassionate too because Denise just half-yells hahaha. 

"Feel pain and high and heartbeat. Let that rain in, good or bad.

You are your own life. You are your own everything. So move, and smile, and release the things you need to and keep the things you have to and wake up every morning honestly being grateful for yourself. And walk up that hill until the sun breaks, forgetting anybody else but you and the things you carry."

Penny. 


"You owe it only to yourself, and that is entirely enough." 


14:36 Sat 23/2/13 

(Credits: the-frenemy.com)

Hanging Up.

I have feelings too you know! You can't just take advantage of me just because I'm always there, just because I would bend over backwards to almost always be there for you. Why am I always the person whom people find when they have problems or need advice, but not the person they wanna share their joys with or spend happy times with just because. 

-.- But then. Even though I say all this now with lots of annoyance and frustration, I know that at the end of the day I'll still breathe in, breathe out, tell myself to get over myself, sweep it all under my heart, and find you again. 

Sat 13:59 23/2/13