LIES.

You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me. 

You, have knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like I'm nothing.

You, have pointed out my flaws again, as if I don't already see them.

I walk with my head down trying to block you out cuz I never impress you.

I just wanna feel ok again.

Sometimes I think that it would've been better if my mum never suffocated us with the pressure of being great achievers in school. Since young, it was all about the exams and results and the certificates and qualifications. Don't get me wrong, it's not as if we're super smart and we excel in everything we do. That's the point. Maybe I'm not cut out to be that kind of model student. I'm no one special, I'm no one outstanding. I'm just quirky me who struggles with time management, exams, and social problems. But it's not like I don't try. Every single thing I participate in at school, all I think about is getting that certificate. Certs and certs and certs, I've got tons of them. And it's all because since young, my mum will go on and on about extra curricular activities and how they're so important for future applications to universities. So I did that. I focused on doing all I could to get that cert. I participated in lots of competitions and such, not thinking about anything else but to get that cert. I don't regret that. What I regret is just the outlook of my mum who has always enforced her view on how we should aim for dentistry and medicine and such. WHY did she do that? I guess she wanted the best for us. But I think it left little space for me to grow into what I like to do. That's why I'm so lost now. I don't know what I like, what I want to do with my life. WHY did she do that when she wasn't even a Science student? What if I'm like her and I just wanna study arts? The point is that I think she should have taken a different approach to this matter. Now I'm stuck on this path and I don't know where to go and I'm bitter because she keeps on nagging and nagging and I don't think I can do dentistry and what does she know when she didn't even study Science. 


You know, I don't even know why I went into Science. Well, of course it was because I could. But I think it would be more gratifying to study Arts. Seriously. Why do you want to study dentistry or pharmacy? Because you're interested in teeth and chemicals? Seriously? Whereas if it were arts, it would be because you LOVE what you study. History and politics and literature. It wouldn't feel useless like how maths probably feels. You know? 


Omygosh. I don't really know what I'm saying. My dad and I just went to get her from the airport (just flew in from Melbourne) and I actually woke up so early even though I was dead tired because I'm her daughter. Obligations vs. Inclinations. I can't say I wasn't inclined but I definitely felt obligated to welcome her back. but that's not news so whatever. Then we went to eat Ngiu Chap and everything was well and then BAM. She talked about my interview. The thing is, on the day of the interview, I already talked to her on the phone and I told her about the interview. It sucked. She said that it was ok, that there wasn't anything you can do about it already. But just now, she did a total 180 and she was astounded when I told her basically the same thing I told her on the phone. And she started kinda telling me off. The interview was bad because I blanked out. I was nervous or something and I just couldn't think of what to say. Is it really so bad that I froze up? As if I did that on purpose. Yes, I thought the interview was a waste of time because my UEC results will not meet the requirements. Yes, I would've rather been in KK participating in TTStar. But I knew that I was already in KL, that the appointment has already been made and so I prayed for it, I wanted to do my best. But I just froze. Is it really my fault? Maybe. But whatever. My mum just thinks I did it on purpose or whatever. She told me off and basically she said I sucked and a primary 1 kid could do better than I did. Yea. 


As if I don't already see that. 


That's why I'm so so envious of Steph's family. When Steph does badly in exams, her mum will just say it's ok and just asks her to keep working hard or something like that. You see, her mum can see that Steph works hard and that's enough. 


I wish my mum could see that in me too. I wish that she didn't enforce something she didn't do herself upon me. I'm sure she would say it's ok if I said I wanted to do Arts. But it's not like I would even if I wanted to because of the obligation I feel to go into some course that gives me a professional degree. I wish she told me more about her youth. Her school and uni days. A friend's mum told him that she wasn't really the kind that studied hard and the kind that did well. I want to know that stuff about my mum. But I don't, and now all I feel is stifling obligation. A role I need to mold myself to fill. 


I just wish.. I wish that she didn't make me feel so obliged to do all these things. I can't find myself. What do I want to do? 


I kind of know the answer to be completely honest. But I know society is cruel and money makes the world go round. And dentistry is money. 


Gah. I don't know what I'm saying.