So guys, today is the 13th of December. No, it's not a Friday. But anyway. Yes. It is the day our VCE results come out. For me, it's just my Methods results but it still holds the same weight for me as it will next year. It is important to me. The fact that I only had ONE subject to focus on this year means that it was my chance to ensure that I would get a really good score for it. Next year, with 5 subjects to handle which are equally important, I won't have that much time to focus on a single one.
So anyway. I told you guys the exam was hard right? After the exam, my mind kept wandering and thinking what score I will get. Before the exam, I really wanted to get like a 48 so it'll get scaled up to 50. But after the exam, I knew for sure, without a doubt, that that will be impossible. In my heart, I knew that it would be amazing if I got over 40. The number '38' kept coming to my heart, it was what I thought I would get. I was so angry that my friends here just wouldn't believe that me when I said I did badly, still annoys me. Oh well. So anyway. I was so so so hoping that somehow I didn't do that badly. But when that thought came, I immediately discarded it, for false hope kills, we all know that.
Today, THE day, I got up a few minutes after 7.30am to check my results which was up on the internet at 7am today. I logged in with my student number and put in the PIN number. There were two drop-down labels: 'View your VCE results' and 'View your ATAR' (which is your ENTER score). I was chatting with Tur yesterday and she was supposed to help me view my results. We synched the time on our phones and said we'll wake up at 7.30am, and 4.30am her time. She was supposed to give me a (Y) (thumbs up) if I got above 40, and a (N) (thumbs down) if I got below. I sent her a text when I got up and she didn't reply. So I just had to do it myself because I wanted to know. I sat there staring at the screen, preparing myself? Psyching myself up? I don't know. Then I just clicked it. Here it is:
MA11 - Mathematical Methods (CAS)
- GA 1: A
- GA 2: A
- GA 3: A
- Study Score: 38
There it is. A 38. I'm not even lying when I said that that number was what I was expecting to get. Even though I had prepared myself, my heart was still crushed at the realization that I just couldn't do it. My mum had gotten up at that time. She came down and she was like 'Gasp didn't you sleep? How could you not sleep?' and I told her it was my results. She got her glasses and she looked at it. The foreboding 38. It was then I started crying. Well, not really crying, just tearing up. She then told me it was okay. I did well. Then after a few hugs and consoling words with my tears dripping down, she went up to have a shower. I was on Facebook and Maria, one of my Methods buddies, asked me how I went. She got a 38 as well. There were other Methods people online, but I didn't have the guts to ask them what they got. After a while, I went back to bed.
Sigh.
You know what was the most haunting thing that I kept thinking of as I laid there on my bed? The horror and embarrassment I'll face when I find out what the other Methods buddies got. There were some of them who always didn't do better than me. And there's this one girl who always says how I'm so much better than her etc. What if I did worse than them? How could I face myself then? Horrible.
Anyway. I've talked to Em Archer, the most amazing girl I've met whose smart and funny and dedicated. She got a 41, Em Russo got a 37, and Sar Banting got a whopping 43! Bants has always been amazing, I knew she would blow everyone away. Janet, from my old school got a 35. I really want to know what Adhy (from Indo school) got, and Jazz and Finks who are both in my Methods class too.
What made me a tiny bit annoyed was the thread me and my friends have. My friends here, they have this Facebook Message where all of them are in it and they talk about everything there. Just updates and stuff. Funnily enough, nobody posted their scores there. Which I thought was kind of weird. I'm not myself in this thread though, just so you know. I put up stuff before and I always just felt ignored. Oh well. I hardly post stuff up anymore. But today I just told them that I didn't do too well as expected. Then after that, I posted the scaling report, asking them 'whether they've checked it out'. I also said that 'even after the scaling, I still did crap'. A 35 gets scaled up to 41, a 40 gets scaled up to 45. So I reckon that I'll get a 42. Still crap but better than below 40 I guess? Then I said that 'I'm going to watch dramas now (my Korean shows, but I ended up watching Cars, the movie), Wheeeeeeee.' Obviously I was being sarcastic about the 'whee'. Was that not obvious? Or do they just not know me? And Celine was just like 'Thanks, really making me feel great'. I'm actually a little sick of it. I posted my status as 'shoot you!'. And I was gonna say like 'I was being sarcastic' or something but just gave up. Why should I have to explain?
Do you know, I had a dream that some girl from school was like 'who is this? (pointing to me)' and Celine said 'That's my friend. She's awesome and I love her.' Hah. It's just the stress man. There was this incident, I shall name it 'ridiculous', that happened and I shall tell you soon. Seriously. So OVER it.
Anyway. I think that my mum is sort of crushed with disappointment. I did tell her. I told her that I didn't do well, that she didn't need to expect anything from me. True story hey. Hope she listened to my warning and discarded all traces of hope. But I guess it's human nature to hope, for even I did, even though I knew that reality is harsh. I think the fact that I cried, the fact that tears were pooling at my eyes, then rolling down my cheeks, just sort of softened her reaction. So from disappointment, it became disappointment and sympathy, transferring some of the attention away from the disappointment. Is that not true?
Therefore, apart from the fact that tears and crying makes your eyes all puffy, your face blotchy, your nose runny, your heart broken and your mind weary; they allow something that should have brought on wrath/punishment/major disappointment, merely bring a soft chiding and a tissue.
Sorry, I guess, to my parents, and to myself. Next year will be tougher, but I will not allow myself any slack at all. CAN ME HEAR ME??? Methods will be my bottom subject, the one that the extra 10% is taken from. The others, I will get amazing scores. Let's just hope.
